Differentiate between receptivity and fear

Recently, my bf commented that he thinks I still have an overwhelming tendency to behave receptively, rather than actively. I took this as a criticism, although I suppose it doesn’t have to be taken as one. Probably the fact that I interpreted it that way says more about me and my attitudes to receptivity.

After struggling for a long time to understand how I felt about the whole active/receptive thing, I think I’ve gone so far in the opposite direction that I now think it’s bad to be receptive.

Of course, I don’t really think that on a rational level, but my knee-jerk reaction suggests otherwise.

I think my bf’s comment bothered me especially because I feel like I have redressed the balance a lot and I am much more likely to take the initiate than I used to be. In fact, I would say that these days it’s my default behaviour.

However, his comment was in response to situations when we’re together with his friends and for various reasons I don’t contribute much to the conversation, those reasons being: that I’m by nature more introvert than extrovert, I’m not that interested or knowledgeable in the topics they discuss, and the whole thing is in a foreign language that I’m not entirely confident in speaking.

My bf’s understandable response to my excuses was that if I’m happy with the situation as it is then that’s fine. But he got the impression that I wasn’t entirely happy and he’s probably right.

I am a pretty sociable person, despite sometimes being shy with people I don’t know too well, and it does bother me when I don’t feel like I can really relax and enjoy myself in a social situation.

The comment about receptivity came up in the context that I don’t have to just passively let other people choose the conversation topics and go along with whatever they’re talking about; I can introduce my own topics of conversation: things that are interesting to me. Also, he suggested that I can always switch to English if trying to speak Hebrew is proving to be a barrier to me joining in the conversation.

I agree with what he says. I’m not really happy with the situation as it stands. However, it is hard to go against my nature and be more extrovert and initiate conversations, especially when I don’t feel it would be appropriate to always do it in English (and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it either). I guess this is really what this goal is about: getting over that fear of putting myself out there in challenging social situations and not being afraid of looking silly. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of energy but ultimately I think it is worth making the effort.

I changed one word in the title of this goal, from ‘laziness’ to ‘fear’. I realized that I’m not and never have been a lazy person and that my negative inaction had a lot more to do with fear of putting myself out there.

In my last entry I wrote that I think my passivity/fear pops up when I have more time on my hands but I don’t think that applies anymore either, mainly because my time is very full and I’ve got enough projects going or planned to last me the rest of my life!

I’ve been the opposite of lazy recently so I haven’t been feeling any sense of urgency regarding this goal. But I don’t think I’m ready to announce this goal as completed yet. I think my laziness/passivity/fear pops up when I have more time on my hands, when it takes more of a concerted effort to spur myself into action. Lately I’ve been simply to busy for it to apply.

I think that often my decision not to act springs more from fear than from laziness. This week I needed to find out some information and I didn’t do it because I was afraid to speak Hebrew on the phone. Which is quite silly really, because I speak Hebrew on the phone all the time to people I know. It was only that I was afraid I’d make a mistake or I wouldn’t understand something and I’d embarrass myself. Pretty silly. I got the information from elsewhere in the end so it’s more the principle of the thing. Most of my fears are totally irrational. So, anyway, next time I’m in this situation I’m going to rationalize myself out of my fear or just do it without thinking. I really want to get over this.

...but it’s such a specific goal. I think it’s also more relevant when I’m in situations where I have obligations or where, in order to accomplish something, I have to do something I don’t like doing. Having been on holiday for the past two and half months, I haven’t really been in either of those situations!

I certainly don’t feel like I’ve been lazy since I got back from the trip. If I haven’t done everything I intended to do this week it’s because I simply didn’t have time, not because of passivity.

It’s good to bear this goal in mind, though, not to slip into bad habits…

I’m naturally a receptive person and I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. You are what you are. I come from a background of receptive people but over the last few years have found myself transplanted into an environment of ‘do-ers’. For a long time I felt unhappy because it made me question my own attitude. Was their way the right way? Was I just being lazy and an underachiever? But then I realized that there is no one ‘right’ way. Of course, you do what feels natural to you. It’s the yin and the yang and you need both. It just depends on the situation.

So I’m going to try not to feel bad about being my receptive self. On the other hand I know that sometimes my receptivity can become passivity and laziness. Receptivity, for me, is being open to things, being aware of your environment and knowing when to do less in order to achieve more. In some situations it’s the best way and in others it’s necessary to be more active. I want to learn to choose which attitude is more appropriate in any given situation and be able to differentiate between being receptive and just being plain lazy!

When I feel like I might be being lazy I want to analyze whether or not, in this situation, personal action is the only thing that can move the situation forward, in order for me to achieve my goal. If yes, then I’m being lazy and need to get my arse in gear. However, if I don’t have total control over the outcome, if there’s some element of chance, luck or or fate involved I can allow myself to be more receptive.