Get over it

We had the most beautiful day today. We can really make it if he gets his mind right, but for now I have to focus on me. Go out into the world, a new part of it, and survive on my own. I want nothing more than that right now. Us, if there will be one, can come later. It all depends on what I find when I come back. It may be in six months, it may be in a year. If I find it to be the trip of a life time it could even be two years- it would have to be pretty amazing for that to happen though. I am ready to be brave and step out into the world now. This goal is an ongoing one which marks a long journey which I have to experience rather than make happen. I just have to get into the cart seat and go for the ride.

I am definitely getting there with this goal. Acceptance I have achieved, but it is my longing that is harder to get over. I have gotten over my mishaps leading up to and during the festive season and am driving forward, slowly but at least I am moving forward. I want to be careful but who knows what could happen between us again, we are in love. Still I find myself accepting my status of who I am now opposed to my status 7 months ago. I have to roll with it and make something positive out of it.

I have been going on my Facebook page alot lately and I know that this isn’t particularly good for me. One person who I went to school with who is now married always comments about her married lifestyle on her status- ‘[NAME HERE]’s husband is taking me out to dinner tonight![NAME HERE]’s husband has woken me up to go paintballing [NAME HERE]is doing cleaning/cooking’ It grates on me cause I know that I was hoping to be somebodys wife soon. I need to move on with my life and curb the obsession and curiosity that I have for knowing about other peoples’ business. An old classmate just got engaged and I have to say whilst I love to see young peoples relationships working out I was jealous. This person isn’t neccessarily the nicest person in the world and for everything to be coming together for a spoiled brat like that just seemed unfair to me whilst somebody who has gone through hardship and pain her whole life gets dumped. I wanted that for myself and couldn’t help thinking that it should have been me who is getting engaged. Three and a half years to just get dumped, regardless of the circumstances I mean seriously? Dont get me wrong I wish no bad for these people as I believe in Karma, I am simply stating how I feel. There are few people I would admit these feelings to.

I just want to grow as a person and move on from life as it is right now. I need to change my mind set. Part of me really wants to get a new job and think about progressing my life over here through driving lessons etc. But a larger part of me wants to go and travel, Live abroad and get away from here and the people who dont care about me. Actions speak so much louder than words and therefore that tells me that I have nothing and nobody to stay here for. I have nobody to count on but myself and I want to get out of this existence and see if I can make something positive and well worth my while with another one.

Yes I long for ‘us’ but I accept that it has been long over. I need to pick myself off the floor now. I have been on the floor for 7 months, each month regaining strength and acceptance of the situation, assessing my self and my future and how those around me relate to me. Now I shall stand on my two feet and head in the direction of a new door and open it to see if something better awaits me. Goodbye grey mundane uneventful unfulfilled life and hello to new plans officially in working progress.

Hmmm I am writing this at 05:41 in the morning cause I guess Im still not over it. That isn’t a negative thing though. I am a human being and I am disappointed at something I wanted so badly slipping through my fingers. I keep processing alternatives to the situation in my head. Not neccessarily shoulda woulda couldas, just being in different scenarios to the one I’m in. Scenarios of bliss: The flat I always wanted, or more specifically the home I wanted to build. The engagement that would be inevitable. Natural progression. Some of the good that I put out coming back to me.

But it’s not that way and I have to reap the unexpected harvest I have been dealt. My coping mechanism has been to cling on to my parents. Act like a stupid frantic juvenile at times. Reverting back to my childhood. It has to stop. I am a woman. I must move on and carve out a life for myself. I cant go on like this.

I really am on my way to achieving this goal. I am still in love with him therefore am not over him. However I am getting over ‘it’, the relationship between us which is no longer. I have accepted that we are not together any more and my mind has processed it. When I now think of future plans and ideas they involve me as a single woman not me as half of a couple. We are friends and I feel great about this. I just want him to be healthy and happy.

Now that I’ve cleared the shit out of my eyes I realise that I over estimated you as a person. Believed you had the capacity to be someone that you clearly didnt. It was all an ideal for both of us. Im not even going to be my usual jealous self in this situation and care whether you hook up with anyone else in the future because the same way I was dragged through the shit being with you, anyone that sets their sights on you are in for a shitty ride too. The same way I used to think your ex was the lucky one for getting away and how ironically she would never know that the next girl you got with (me) would be put through the same crap she was and we were nothing to ever be jelous about.

So now that I have that insight, I can change my mind set and choose not to drive myself crazy by ever thinking of you being with someone else, even if it does cross my mind. Because I know better.

I was forced to accept the end of this relationship last night when I spoke to him after he screamed and shouted at me down the phone from abroad because I sent him sarcastic message questioning if he was really with who he said he was (his aunt)
He went into a rage and started to use the most disgusting expletives it was like he was having a break down he staryed crying and I got really distressed and panicky because he was losing control and cant afford to because he is in a very dangerous country at the moment.

Anyway he really got it through to me that he’s not fit to be in a relationship right now, that in his head he pictures smashing my face in, wonders what I look like black and blue with my cheek bone caved in. He imagines putting me in my local morgue. Now I truly believe him when he says hes going mad because I cant stand the thought of him getting hurt or anything bad happening to him and yet he thinks about killing me- the one person who’s poured all of their love into him and has loved him unconditionally for three and a half years.

We had a calm conversation after that, but I truly realise that I have to get over him now. Someone who thinks about harming me even if he is going insane is not worth me being broken hearted about anymore. I need to move on swiflty move on an accept that what I built so lovingly and optimistically has been torn down.

I will be his friend but I need to move on and put the past and my loss behind me. He is not the person I first met.

Im feeling better today, even good. I phoned him yesterday and we had a calm civil friendly conversation. I felt alot of closure in that discussion and I feel that the storm is now over and I am letting the calm wash over me.

Im going out of my way to arrange dates with friends and although it isnt constant, getting out of the house and socialising is making me feel that my relationship wasnt the be all and end all of my life. I am able to laugh and I dont feel consistently depressed. Despite feeling that I need to fill the void, I know that dating is the last thing I need t will only lead to disappointment. I just need to focus on me and only me. The only men I will be seeing will be in my dreams!

I now realise that after all this, I just want him to be healthy and happy. Even if that means that we never get back together and he eventually finds someone else. All I want is for his health to be good and him to feel happy. He deserves good things to happen to him. I love him with all my heart and I just want him to be safe and secure.

Just came off the phone to him. We had a disagreement over me not thinking he was remorseful enough over his mothers treatment of me. To be honest Im feeling less than sentimental about our break up right now. I wish that I could feel like this all the time cause it would help me get over it quicker. Theres so much crap and baggage that I cant change regarding us and it makes me feel better in being able to walk away and move on. I never want to put up with this shit again in another relationship. I just want to feel consistently cool and neutral opposed to feeling up and down. I dont want to feel sentimental anymore cause I know its over for the best. By the time he sorts himself out I probably will have moved on and then I can start to enjoy yself as a young single woman.

I wasnt happy and that cant be fixed. What kind of relationship do you have when your partner cant even get you a birthday, christmas or valentines present? Its not about material things but sheesh it was getting ridiculous. He never made me feel like a real woman. Just someone bogged down in a sub-standard relationship. Now I can create new meanings in my life and set the boundaries for how others are to treat me.

This is horrible. We spoke on Monday and now I’m back to square one. I started ringing him loads this week, I just couldnt help it. He’s like a drug that I need a dose of, I constantly need to be topped up just to know that he still feels the same. The tables keep turning, first he doesnt give shit when I appear to be too into him after the split, then I leave him alone and he rings me telling me Im the perfect woman for him and how much he misses me. It sucks when he’s not bothered and I am so Im gonna flip the script again and cool off of him for a while. Round and round in circles. This really hurts.