have friends

Feeling kinda lonely tonight…

This goal has drastically changed for me since I first set it. It’s like god realised how lonely I was and sent people to gravitate towards me after my break up. This time last year I felt truly alone. Then all of a sudden I made a new friend at the job from hell last year and she stuck. Then one of my old friends got in contact with me again after a whole year and I no longer hold it against her, its just the way she is I’ve finally realised. I still have my close friend that has been around for the last 6 years (but at one point she was my only solid friend so I still felt alone) alongside that another old friend is more embedded in my life as a friend now and I met a couple more new girls at my saturday class- they are more like acquaintances than real friends and I only speak to one of them on the phone but they, in the grand scheme of things add to the feeling of no longer being alone.

Things really do change quickly. I remember sifting throuh my mobile looking for somebody to call. I even set up a meeting with a girl from college who turned out to be extremely stiff and it was awkwardly embarassing- I went home dissapointed and never rang her again. But things have changed and whilst I still don’t have the Carrie Bradshaw or ‘Friends’ type closely knit social group (does that even exist?) I am content with what I have been blessed with in the now.

I am at a totally different place to where I was when I set this goal. When I set it I was at a place (where I’ve been many times before) hardly anyone seemed to contact me, a dry spot. Sometimes I wondered if this would be it. Me alone in life. I just yearned for some regular contact with someone.

Now I have met new people through work and a class that I signed up for. Good people from the past are also reconnnecting with me. The only thing is, true loneliness never seems to go away once these people are gone. Once we go our separate ways on the street or hang up the phone. It’s like they top me up and make me feel happy whilst I am around them but after they are long gone I feel alone again, which sugggests that the loneliness is within me and I need to perhaps nurture myself and spend more QUALITY time alone doing things that enrich me opposed to perpetuating my idleness. Reading a book, writing a story, researching things that will help me progress etc.

This one’s hard. I have no trouble meeting new people and getting on with them but it’s making them stick thats the problem. Well the ones I want to stick anyway. I always seem to attract scatty, disorganised, socially unavailable people. Maybe I am scatty, disorganised and socially unavailable myself which is why I am attracting them? I may be scatty and disorganised at the best of times but I wouldnt call myself socially unavailable and do make time for those already in my life as I would for potential friends, so it doesnt add up that I make time for people but the people I attract dont have time for me.

I have occassional social buddies but nobody apart from my ex that I could call a REAL bonified- there for me at all times- sincere FRIEND. Only GOD.

Hmm I need to really look at this one. Nonetheless I am enjoying my own company as I always have done and do believe that everthing happens for a reason in it’s own season. God obviously doesnt want loads of people around me at this point in my life and I must accept this. Maybe I should take my mums advice and decorate my room, turning it into a little haven where I want to be.