get over him

I dont know if this goal is relevant anymore. At first I was over IT, the actual relationship ending and felt I had to steer further toward this goal of getting over him as an individual, but now it has occurred to me that I’m not going to, if ever, get over him any time soon. The feelings that we have for eachother are mutual and the bond is second to none that I have with anybody else. He is the only person who I can call at any time and lean on. Only time will tell if I will need to get over him or not. Let me branch out first and then see what happens when I get back. I’ve got a long wait but will get on with other facets of my life in the mean time.

This loneliness is all consuming. Why can’t I have what I want now? Me and him. I have already fought for it all I possibly can and anything worth having is not easily gained right? Therefore all of my effort and resilience should amount to something more than me longing for a ghost of a relationship long gone and coming home from a hard and sometimes abusive day of work and just sitting in my room when every other person is doing what they want. Fuck this and fuck everyone else. I’ma do me now. Later this year… I’m gone.

This is a complicated goal. When I first set it we had just broken up and I just wanted to heal the pain and get over him. Since then mnay things have happened and our situation is complicated. He has made it clear to me that he is not in a position to be in a relationship. But at the same time our friendship is just as close (I think) as it always was.

Meanwhile I remain hoping to get back together one day but he can’t give me a guarentee of if and when. I know that would send a lot of girls packing but I just hang on as if he hasn’t already wasted years of my time. But that’s real love- when you care about somebody so much that all facets of their well being mean the world to you. It is also caring for myself and doing what is best for me which is why despite being torn I have to make new plans and get on with my life. I am not dismissing the prospect of meeting someone new and genuine in the not too far future if this doesn’t put itself right in the next year or so. I was put out of a relationship against my will which means I wanted to be in one and very much am ready for a relationship. Him dumping me does not change this.

Since he is understandably hot and cold in our friendsip I think I will just let him contact me when he is ready instead of me contacting him and feeling deflated when he doesn’t want to talk to me. This whole situation is complicated and it would make matters easier if I would just leave the ball in his court to make most of the contact. Sigh.

I’m so lonely that I’m starting to feel that depressing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I’m not going to meet anyone soon. I can almost anticipate it. I’ve stopped relying on the little scraps of hope and affection that my ex was giving me around the christmas and new year period, when I speak to him lately he sounds more and more like a different person. A weak shadow of his normal self.

Imagine being with somebody who was sociable, popular and bubbly. Somebody who was fairly confident, even arrogant most times who had a job and was able to look after themselves financially and made you feel secure when you were with them.

Then imagine them going through set backs of not being able to finish university because of financial problems, being black listed in their job and having to work at a supermarket for a while before trying to get back on their feet but one thing after another like a set of dominoes collapsing around them and stopping their progress every time. Imagine being this persons girlfriend and never getting the treats that you anticipate in a relationship. Plans being stalled, never moving out together or moving forward.

Then you both falling into a depression when everything seems hopeless. Then after a few years one day even though you stuck by him and believed in him although he didn’t have a penny or a job, he ends the relationship before going into total meltdown.

Well thats me and him. Nine months on, I am coping and have healed considerably but I can’t help feeling so lonely and sad. Why can’t he just try for himself to pick himself up? It makes me so angry sometimes when I talk to him and he just continues to dig a deeper hole for himself.

I am leaving this country at some point this year if it’s the last thing I do. I need to clear my head of this madness and see how big the world is. Maybe it will really put things into perspective. Who knows maybe me leaving will shock him into lifting the intensity of his depression and improve his life for the better as I aim to improve mine.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the possible ‘one who got away’. The guy that I met a few months before my boyfriend all those years ago. A sweet guy who phoned when he said he would, a guy who was willing and keen to take me out and treat me right and give me his time. A sweet guy who I took for granted and blew out for a total jerk who then dropped me.

A month later I met my ex who I am no longer with after four long years. Now I can’t help thinking that had I chosen the sweet reliable guy to begin with, I wouldn’t be so lonely right now. I’m wondering if he was ‘the one who got away’.

I keep imagining myself with him now, him holding me tight and just feeling so safe and secure. It’s all so pathetic… I cut him off so coldly, just stopped answering the phone, now I imagine ringing him to say sorry. It’s weird but I feel sorry for doing that somehow, like I owe him an apology.

I think I’m so lonely that I must be getting desperate. Only in my mind though.

And as I predicited when he didnt get through to my mobile he rang my house phone. I told mum I didnt want to speak to him so she told him I wasnt in. The thing is what do I do now? I dont want him to think I am angry with him and that there’s something wrong- we are still friends, but my goal is to have no contact with him for seven days so I dont want to text him either. Maybe I will have to to avoid that situation.

I am doing quite well so far in my goal of not contacting him for a whole week Monday-sunday. I have not actually rung him since last saturday which is actually five days ago so saturday will be a whole week, however I am counting from this monday up until the coming sunday so it will be a whole weeks span and I did email him on sunday before I made this goal.

On saturday nght I wrote him a huge email about how I loved him but know I should just let go la di da etc. That comes in a string of emails I have sent him lately about myself and him and how he let me down last week in not turning up to an appt. I arranged for him that would help him. I emailed him one more time when he replied to my email on sunday and I wanted him to clarify something he said.

By sunday night I felt a bit of a fool. Like I had been over doing it lately with the phone calls and soppy emails to him. Giving him far too much importance in my life as I have done since we split, even though he is deeply depressed. I have to look out for myself I realised on sunday and sheepishly gave myself the goal of not contacting him for a whole week. If he rings me I dont know what to do as he will probably only ring the house phone if I dont pick up the mobile and mum who loves him will probably pass the phone to me no questions asked.

Anyway this recent goal is intented to give me some confidence and feeling of empowerment at not contacting him (email/internet full stop included)and it is working. I feel like I have achieved something in not succuming to my feelings even when I am really down, I just try and let it burn and put on a CD and find something on the web to distract me. Here’s to day 4 of completing my goal!

I made such good progress in October and November now I’m back to square one. I wont be discouraged however and am ready to start again with this goal. I dont want to look back at this time in my life and be angry with myself for dragging onto and chasing somebody who clearly has no regard for me at this (albeit difficult)time in his life. I need to gain some honour and respect for myself, have some pride and gracefully move on.

My goal is to not contact him at all for the whole of next week Monday to Sunday. Small steps go a long way.

I sent him a really long email at 2am this morning to explain why I am irritated and hurt at his diregard of my effort. For once he has not even replied which is strange. He always replies to my emails. I think that was a deliberate decision on his part, he must be angry too. That I dont understand. Im trying so hard to resist the urge to reach out to him this time. I phoned him last night to smooth over something when he was the one who offended me and still got nowhere with him. A stream of tears ran down my face as I hung up the phone. Love isn’t supposed to hurt this badly. Today for the first time in along time I found myself asking whether or not he TRULY loves me the way he thinks he does. His selfishness says otherwise.

I know that I have to move on, but what if your ex is your only true real friend? Mine is sadly for me. I’ve never had such a big task in front of me.

This is just killing me. I keep going round and round in circles. I cant do this anymore. Everybody around me just cares about themselves and I care about everybody around me leaving me with nobody to care about me.

This is agony, I wish I just had somebody to care about me half as much as I care about them. This hurts too much. Always bending over backwards for him, even now and not getting anything back. He never stuck up for me when his nasty bitter old mother used to offend me and he still shits on me today after all the effort I put in getting him that appt. Why did he have to go and have a break down?

I was doing so well until he came to my house that day. I hate myself for being so weak. I’ve tried so hard to be a friend, but at the expense of my own integrity and emotional well being, hanging on to his every word as if MY future were in his hands. I wish I could just walk away from this pain and agony. Go so far away where nobody knows my name. I guess I can. I just have to muster up all the strength that I have. Im so much better than all of this.