stop depending on others for my happiness

Its a friday night just like nearly EVERY other 52 weeks of the year and I am on my own. Totally. Nobody to talk to nobody to turn to. Tough luck. Thats just the way my life has turned out. I think I am a good person and have put myself out for others. Still the universe has yet to return this energy to me. There’s not much I can do about it but get on with things. Do I really just step out alone? If I want to go somewhere just go alone? Perhaps I should. Maybe I could make a list of a number of places I would like to go and just turn up. It might make me feel better about myself and appreciate myself more. Why discriminate against who I am just because there’s me and thats all there is? I am all I’ve got. How dare I wait on others who don’t want to be around me to up and decide that they want my company. Forget them. They are not worth my time. thoughts or effort. I am my best asset. I can’t forget that.

People are disappointments so it’s best I rely on MYself. That’s what life has taught me. I cant wait to leave ‘home’ so that I can live my life as I mean to go on. Get a cat or two and then just get on with my life without those who treat me like garbage and never appreciate my being around. Take me for granted in persuit of their own dreams of smoke and mirrors. I just pray to God that I can achieve my ultimate goals next year. The Lord knows I need that.

Today I had an awful day at work, came home and didn’t want to discuss it with my parents- they never understand anything I go through so why should I bother telling them my business? They always antagonise me when I do anyway.

If I could’ve come home and had someone’s listening ear I would have at least felt some consolation and less vulnerable. Yet because I didn’t some six hours after work Im still feeling these same negative emotions. I just feel like nobody cares.

I want to be responsible for my own happiness but on a day like this I just need someone to listen to me and empathise with my situation.

I just want to come home and have somebody who cares waiting for me.

This goal would be so much easier if i got the things I wanted like a job that I enjoyed and having nice caring people around me. Real Friends. I know that my happiness does ultimately depend on me but life makes it difficult when that job, holiday, opportunity etc. you so badly wanted doesnt come your way. Then you cling on to that one person whose presence seems to make everything else thats gone wrong alright. I want to be able to do that for myself.

You have to be so strong and resilient to achieve this goal, which I am but have taken a battering lately emotionally. At times in my life I have found glimpses of happiness from creating my own happiness but it has always been momentary and brief.

But I really have to make it on my own and fight through the pain that I feel rather than picking up the phone to ring that ONE person otherwise I will never find true happiness within myself.