Why do I constantly end up at square one? I hate this. I was doing so well and I broke. I stopped talking to them at the start of the year, completely detached myself and of course once they realised that I had withdrawn myself from them, they started being nice to me. Then stupidly I let my guard down and began to speak to them and give them the time of day and then poof!- the emotional abuse and mind f*ing begins again.
I cant stand people who are only nice to you when you are really aloof with them and that sums up the relationship I have with my parents. If I act disinterested and make myself scarce it’s all ‘come downstairs and watch TV with us!’ and when I do spend time with them and I end up saying ‘the wrong thing’ I get abuse hurled at me. It’s so sad. I have no real reason to be nice to them and yet each time after things blow over, I am.
They don’t deserve any type of comraderie or niceness let alone emotional attachment from me. They are not parents, just two very unpleasant people that I happen to live with. When I leave here it will symbolically be the best day of my life.
I wont give up on my goal for detachment. Like an alcoholic on steps programme, I will start again.
Was horrid. I feel so alone. I just want to leave this existence.
Oh how this house just eats away at my very core. I Had been getting along with my parents as best as I could in the last couple of months. Even when mum has been disagreeable I have just tried to be patient. But yesterday she really flew off the handle and I am just disgusted at her behaviour and angry that she is allowed to get away with it.
Yes she had a hard childhood, but so have I- because they couldn’t be bothered to recognise and break the cycle. Thats no excuse for her to act like an amoeba towards us. I say us- Dad and I. But in reality there is no us. He is just as selfish as she is, and if he has chosen to play the victim even at the expense of my well-being throughout my whole life then that is his fault.
Today I felt offended, sad, depressed because her words yesterday where truly obscene and she shouldn’t have been allowed to get away with them. But he lets her and this is why I have to leave. Abuse is condoned and allowed to thrive in this house. I have to leave for my wellbeing. I feel so stressed.
I have noody to really talk to about any of this. That makes it so much worse. The sad thing is I have been looking forward to christmas. But the truth is that even if things have blown over by then, it doesn’t stop our family being a big sham. After the turkey and festivities there is bound to be more shouting, more pain, more hurt for me here.
Is it any wonder that I dont want my mum to know that I’m trying to lose weight by doing exercise in the living room, when all she wants to do is find out my inner workings so that she can continue to manipulate me and twist at my inner feelings, to hurt me.
The other day her ‘friend’ told me that I had got big, put on so much weight- and she came bak and told me that. What kind of mother does something like that? A mothers job is to protect, not aggravate or antagonise but this is what she does week after week. Month after month. Year after year. My friend told me that she only told me that because she agrees with what the person said and by telling me what they said she is letting me know it without it seeming that the sentiment is coming from her. So instead of telling me that she thinks Im fat she used the fact that her friend said it as an opportunity to let me know.
She has has done tireless things to antagonize me this week alone. A few days back I cooked some curry, I bought all the ingredients myself and it took time and effort to make it. Despite spending the whole day indoors exercising and washing her hair when she could’ve sorted out her own dinner (my dad did this despite having spent the whole day at work) she decided she wanted some. I said no because she could have made her own meal, but she decided to take some any way because she is a bully and some how feels that she can do what she wants. She even shouted me down about it.
A work man came to bleed the radiators and she let him in my room whilst I was still in bed, half naked. I had to put my head under the covers, it was only for a split second but thats not the point. She then took my wet clothes off of the clothes rack where they were drying in the kitchen and brought them outside my room to put on my bed, just because SHE decided to tidy the kitchen. She goes out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
I am tired of dealing with this bullying, manipulative conniving coward who picks on her own daughter but never the people who truly deserve it. Her family are a disgrace. People who have strong opinons about members of their own family when they are going through hard times but never stop to help them. She is just like them all, She always makes statements to try to indirectly belittle me ‘doesnt such and such look good?’ etc. She even had the nerve to say about her friend who said I’d put on weight ‘she always tells the truth though’ as if it makes it right.
Today I said one thing and blew up over it. Shouting in my face, telling me ‘you’re 24 years old and you still live here’ ‘You know nothing about life’ ‘You have no common sense’.
I even once ovver heard her say that I dont want to go to the family get togethers because I am ashamed- thats not true it because they scrutinise me too much. Then she said that I was jealous of my two younger cousins that are six years younger than me and that they are much better than me. I know things can be said in anger but a mother doesn;t talk about her own child like that.
I told her that I feel sorry for her. I do, because she is alienating the only daughter she has and I honestly feel for her if she thinks I am going to be living here forever putting up with her crap. One day I will have my own life and because of her treatment and belittlement of me her part in it wont be all that significant.
I cannot fucking wait to leave this place. My parents are ever more antagonistic, making mental notes of m actions and using it against me. Everything I seem to do is up for scrutiny and yet if I have a dilemma, they always seem to be in agreement with the other party.
It seems they want me to break my back working hard day in and day out without complaining. They have never once said pace yourself you’re young you have our whole life ahead of you.
I spoke to my nan today and she said, aren’t you at work today? I said no and then she said ‘oh you’re going to go tomorrow?’ Then continued ‘you have to take the work when it’s offered to you…’ Now who the fuck has been telling her my business. This crap wouldn’t even be coming out of her mouth if my mum hadn’t been talking behind my back. I cant stand these small minded people that I have to call m immeadiate family. I’ts so sad. I work for an agency so practically I work for myself when I want. I dont undertstand that my parents seem to want me to go out all day everyday putting up with abuse and crap. They wouldnt last five minutes in the line of work that I do…. It just makes me so angry.
I need to get the fuck out of here
Yet another pointless argument with my mother again, over something she blew up over. She said that my grandmothers cousin had lied to her about being related to my grandmother through her father when it was indeed through her mother. I said well I doubt she even knew herself and was not deliberately lying. She then proceeded to swithch on me and turned it into a massive row.
She said I was rude and patronising and always leaving her out and cutting her off in conversations with dad. Change the record. All I can see are her own insecurities coming out. She says I’m out to make trouble when she nearly always starts the argument and never relents to let me explain the misunderstanding. She finds me threatening because she didn’t get a good education and has learning difficulties whilst I am fairly intelligent. She doen’t like it.
I really need to do this soon. Once again my relationship with my parents is becoming emotionally abusive and toxic. I fooled myself into thinking things would change and they do, but never for too long. They always end up getting nasty again. I need to get out of here very soon. How could I be so naive?
I’m not as desperate as I used to be to do this now. It has a lot to do with the fact that I am now single and don’t have the partner who I so wanted to move in with anymore. Since we split I get on so much better with my parents which is a major reason why I wanted to leave in the first pace.
Also the fact that every single job I seem to get is a load of bullshit means I am lucky to have the ability to quit a job knowing that living with my parents I have no responsibiites or bills to pay unless I am actually working.