To live instead of exist

It was my friends Birthday yesterday and she had a get together at her house. I was so relieved that she decided not to go clubbing like she did last year. I’m really not into clubbing anymore. Her house is a five minute walk from mine so I decided straight away that I would pop by and I’m glad I did.

She lives in a beautiful house with a lovely picturesque fireplace playing centre piece in the living room. Honey glazed sausages and mini spring rolls were served on a platter whilst people just sat around and conversated.

She had a good turn out and What struck me was the huge amount of young women my age all in one room. For a lonely person like myself the sight of it was certainly exciting as I had a surplus of people my age to talk to and to socialise with. I didn’t want to get too ahead of myself as they are not my friends and I don’t intend to make them my friends. They are friends of a friend. That is the birthday girl’s reality, not my own and I accepted that. It was a night of fun and laughs and it was so refreshing to be in the company of other forward thinking and intelligent young people. I didn’t get home till 4am.

Once you get to my age I feel like it’s harder to meet people. My friend accumulated most of these girlfriends from school and some through chance meetings. The thing that slightly saddens me is that my huge lack of friends comes down to the fact that I was unlucky enough to be placed in a class of not so compatible or pleasant girls at the already horrible school that I went to and that has really affected how many real friends I have.

So for one night I was in my friends world in the company of really nice girlfriends, not at all lonely and spoilt for choice for people to talk to. I am back in my own isolated world tonight but yesterday really topped me up and I think I will feel contented for a few days to come.

I also have some loose plans for new years eve with another friend and her friends. Her friends aren’t as nice and are a bit snooty so I’m not sure how excited I am about it and how I will feel, but at least I won’t be stuck at home feeling alone.

Something just occurred to me. I discriminate against myself because I am me. I always deny myself the things I need like new clothes, luxury toiletries and make up, driving lessons and healthy food unless somebody is willing to purchase these things for me.

I dont buy essential items of clothing until the ones I am wearing are torn and fading practically hanging off me, I stuff myself with junk food, year after year I don’t take driving lessons and deny making myself more mobile. I always look at that new perfume or mac cosmetic I want but never buy it, choosing to stick with the old things I already have.

Because I am me I neglect myself. Because I do not live outside of myself, cannot go and sit infront of myself or beside myself at a restaurant or in the cinema,or give myself a hug I treat myself as if I am a non person who doesn’t count. I wouldn’t treat anybody else that way so why do it to her?

I ought to be alot kinder to this 24 year old girl-woman. She needs my help to thrive and enjoy life and most importantly find some happiness.

Treasure what you do have and dont frown about what you dont have.

Treasure what you do have and dont frown about what you dont have.

I went to see Beyonce in concert tonight and she was amazing! the experience was brilliant, I had such a good time and enjoyed myself immensely. Living is addictive! Hopefully this year will mark the beginning of a new blessed existence which I am at the centre of living it out. On a high right now Whoooooooo!

Meeting new people and reconnecting with old people and getting out more has been dream come true for me. Things got so bad at one point two years ago that I would spot random groups of people (who I would not even usually notice) and wish that I had people in my life like they did. I would covet the most simple things like a group of girls enjoying an evening or day out together. Now I have once again made that a reality of my own to a considerable extent.

When I meet up or touch base with these people I don’t feel alone anymore and become excited at the prospect of my life changing. However new people coming into my life is not the be all and end all of me achieving this goal.

There is a big empty space in my life which has been left by living in an emotionally abusive and puzzling environment all my life as well as a lack of travel. Only when I go away and explore another part of the world independently, can I come back and seriously assess how much impact I have made on this goal. I am looking forward to it and will make it happen very soon. I promise myself that.

I am feeling fundamentally better about my life. I have made new friends and quality old friends are making contact. Somehow and for the better I am now attracting the things that I want in my life rather than the things I don’t want. I dreamed of having good friends, quality people in my life for so long and got rid of the vamp and sure enough I have some new lovely girlfriends.

After 9 months I am still finding my not so newly acquired single status difficult to fit into simply because I am very lonely and refuse to settle for a quick and cheap replacement of my ex. I want to meet someone who I’m really into and it’s too soon for that anyway. So I’m still in limbo and in slight hope that before I meet anyone else my ex may sort out his life and develop as a balanced person who can function correctly and provide for a family.

Job wise I am happy and am now seriously entertaining working abroad at the end of summer for six months to a year. I need to figure out my options location wise and arrange a course for that. I believe that if I don’t do it now I will never do it. I am young with nothing holding me back, no child, no mortgage, no partner so what am I waiting for? I guess the answer is I am waiting for my life to come together the way I thought it should have done three years ago. why is it now that I want to go and travel, after years of loneliness and disappointment from people these lovely people have come into my life?
I guess they will still be there when I get back. I guess there are some positive sides to facebook and of course, email.

Anyways, I would do anything to feel the sand between my toes and to lie on a sunny tropical beach again.

I am so grateful for my life at the moment. I have made some vast improvements in the last 8 months. My singing class is going great as usual and I am really enjoying looking forward to going there every saturday morning. It’s great. I still don’t know if I will return next year though as I really want to go and work abroad. I am young and have no commitments and if I don’t do it now, when will I do it? On the contrary the singing course will always be there for me to enjoy.

I am going out with friends now and then and have had two brilliant consecutive saturdays out socialising with wonderful girls who I have things in common with after going to my class in the morning. I am starting to feel more like a member of this planet opposed to someone looking from outside of it. I am definitely focused on thid goal. My whole existence depends on it.

We did individual performances today. I felt that mine went well. It was quite exhilarating to stand there and sing in front of a group of people after all these years. This is exactly what I came into the class for, to improve my confidence and to sing in public again. I am loving it!

So I went back to my singing class on saturday after a long christmas break and I have to say, the way my life is right now that class is probably helping to keep me going. I believe that god gave me the impetus to make me sign up for the course that day. I have looked forward to every class since I first started going in October. It’s so refreshing and such a haven away from the strains and pains of everyday life.

We had to sing a verse of a song individually today and I have to say, I could’ve done alot better. I was so nervous that my voice just stayed in my chest. Two of my friends in the class sang better than me and got a better reception from our peers. Whilst I was complimented on my voice, I have to say I was slightly jealous as although it is a beginners class I do feel that I have a good voice and thought I would be one of the best in the class since the majority of the people in there are at a very basic level of singing. I still think I am among some of the best singers there however. Mum made a good point and said that I cant be the only decent singer in the class, as what would be the point in that? it wouldn’t push me to do better. She has a huge point. I’m gonna practice and try to sing my butt off next week!