stop worrying about everything

i know this website is supposed to make me feel better about myself, but just looking at how many goals i still have to achieve, i sometimes feel like i m going nowhere.

i met up with my friend petra, who is just as sunny as she always was, and she said something that changed it all for me… she said that a career is 30 years long – in that time a person can do and achieve a lot.

and it’s true! instead of worrying about the fact that i still don’t have a flat of my own, and that i probably won’t have it in the next 3 years (at least), i should concentrate on being happy here and now! i should be achieving things that are of immediate relevance to my life.

and that is what i m going to do… what i am doing now!

i`ve worried about things since i was a kid. i was between 5 and 6 when my sister was born. thats when my dad told me that i was a grown up now and that i have to take care of my sister. he said that i was responsible for her wellbeing. and he acted that way. i was punished every time she ran and fell, when she cried, when she was annoying, whatever.

of course it was stupid of him to do it, a small child cannot be responsible for another child, especially when there are two grown ups that should take care of the family.

but you cannot explain that to a child. you do what your parents tell you to do. so i worried. and worried. and worry still.

but what i have realised is this: my worries were/are actually fears. fears that i would not be able to handle a situation, fears of being incompetent, fears of failure, of disappointing the parent that gave me such an important task.

but i m not 5 or 6 anymore. today, i get to choose. i get to live the life i want. there is little reason for worry.

i recently received a newsletter from michael bugay stanier (i highly recommend it!!!) and in it there was this great pic of a blackboard saying : your fears erased here daily.

so i m putting my fears on the blackboard. my fears, irrational worries, anxiety. there. aaaah, that feels good.

isnt life just wonderful today?

ok i m not exactly worrying… i guess you could say i m shocked… bbc has this amazing program called “truth about food” and they did a lot of research and what they found out that shocked me is this:
1. detox diets dont work AT ALL
2. drinking 2 liters of water a day has no effect on the skin! whaaaaat?! but the measurements were there and and… whaaaaaat?! anyway, i m still gonna drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, no matter what they say.

uffff, i m soo upset, i m gonna watch a comedy show now – mock of the week – if u can get it, watch it, its hilarious!!!! :D

it seems so silly now – does worrying change anything really? no, of course not, what it does it puts you back into the situation that was painful for you, over and over again. i used to hope this would give me the control over things that happened… but the only control i have is the one over my own emotions.

the reasons why i worry about the past and do not want to let it go is because i dont want the people who hurt me to think i’m fne with twhat they did to me. i want(ed) to punish them, to make them suffer just the way i suffered.

but you know what… it just makes no sense. the only one suffering is me, over and over again.

i am breaking the circle. i don’t want to think about anyone else but me. what is done is done. nothing can change that. and I dont want ME to waste any more enrgy on things over and done with.

i am focusing on the beautiful things in my life here & now and on the glorious future yet to come.

i am satisfied with my life. i am allowing myself to heal. i love and respect myself for all that i am. and that i will be.

i am soooo excited – i just received a text from my university saying that i’ve passed my last exam on the first post-grad level and can continue my studies! yes yes yes! trust is all we need! life supports me, makes me grow! trust life. all is well! :)

ok ok ok i worked hard BUT i started panicking on the day of the exam. eventually i let go of fear (you know, typical benegesserit prayer “i shall face my fear”) and everything worked out! life is grand!

i think i stopped worrying about EVERYTHING. nowdays i only worry about most of the things ;)