work all 12 steps

Well, I’ve been stuck at Step 4 for a loooong time. But that’s okay. There is no race. I guess I just don’t like to look at myself and my life. I’ve learned the key for me is to have a meeting with my sponsor as a deadline to go over the next piece. So last night we met and went over my resentment list. I did the list “quick and dirty” the night before. If I don’t do it quickly, I’ll never get it done.

Thank goodness I recently remembered that working the program is the most important thing I can spend my time and energy on. Sometimes I forget how central it needs to be in my life if I want to get better.

I’ve been doing my daily reading on weekdays. I carry Courage To Change in my purse and read it on the bus on the way to work. Even if I forget about the reading once I get to work, I can feel it helping me as it builds up in my system day after day. Weekends I tend to forget, so this weekend I’ll try to remember to start the days with the reading. My sponsor suggested ODAAT. I’ve been attracted to it so I think I will pick up a copy.

I’ve also tried different meetings. It’s good to mix it up and keep it fresh.

I’m the treasurer for one of my groups. I’ve found that service I did in the past no longer helps me. I need to serve now, unless I’m taking a break between committments. It’s a way for me to exist and be visible and engaged (instead of disappearing – my MO).

I get uncomfortable talking to people after meetings or calling them, but I’m trying to practice. I’m meeting a program friend for coffee next week hopefully.

I’m also uncomfortable sharing in meetings, but I try to do that sometimes too. I also give myself permission to just listen if that’s what I need.

I think I’ll revisit some of the pamphlets from my old beginner packet. I don’t even remember what’s in there. And the slogans, I want to re-read them in “How Al-Anon Works”.

Yay! I finally have a sponsor. I lost my original sponsor a long time ago, and I’ve been “looking” ever since. I guess I just wasn’t ready until now even though I thought I was. I recently asked someone who said no because she already had 4 sponsees. But yesterday I asked someone else and she said yes. I have a good feeling about this, and I’m definitely eager to work the steps. I think I need to start at Step One again (did 1-3 before), but this time I want to get through all 12 even if there is some major upheaval in my life along the way.

I asked someone to be my sponsor. She’s thinking about it (already ahs 4 sponsees), but I’m happy I asked no matter what the answer is. It took guts, and some encouragment from a friend.

I tried a new meeting last night. I want to give myself credit for going! I liked that it was small and pleasant, but I’ll continue to try new meetings until I find one where I think my future sponsor might show up.

I have one meeting a week that I go to regularly. I want to find one or two more that I really like, and hopefully I will find a sponsor there eventually. I bought a new daily reader (couldn’t find the one I already have!). Now to make a habit of reading it (maybe on the bus and at lunch). Maybe I can make a program call at lunch about the reading. I need to reach out.

I have really let this one go. I’m so out of touch with my program, ever since I hurt my leg last summer and couldn’t get to meetings. I just never fully reconnected. I do have one meeting I like that I go to most weeks, but that’s it – no stepwork, reading, calls, etc. I have lost touch with my sponsor and my sponsee. In fact my sponsor ‘broke up with’ me the other day (took another sponsee and doesn’t have time for two). I’m okay with that since I was going to take a friend’s suggestion to look for a sponsor with HP. But I also realized I should let my sopnsee go officially. I’m not in a place to be a helpful sponsor, and it’s time I admitted it. She probably already has a new sponsor, but I should officially let he know where I am so it’s not a mystery. And I really do want to start stepwork again. I need this program!

I need to re-visit Steps One Two and Three before I can finish Step Four. So it’s back to step one … only this time it’s familiar.

I’ve done prep reading and had a few false starts with Step 4. I finally started it in a way that felt good and right. Yay! I’m really excited to see how it goes, to learn about myself.

Step 4 is so interesting! I can tell it will be a big research project … and sometimes difficult to look at things. But in the end it will be such a relief to know and accept myself and my life, to see the truth, to be able to look unflinchingly at my story. I read some literature, answered a few questions, but have not decided yet on my approach to this step. There are many different ways. I’m meeting with my sponsor this weekend. That will help guide me.