follow my bliss

I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. I’m starting to “remember” who I am, little by little. I’m remembering what joy is and what connects me to it. And I’m doing those things or moving toward them. It takes a lot of soul searching (just asking the question) and patience (waiting for the insight to come). The answers aren’t obvious, even though they are inside me. They’re buried so deep! I’ve never seen them clearly to begin with. But I’m finding the people, the places, the activities, the plans, the mindset … There may be hope for me yet! Showers, forests, small towns, hiking, girlfriends, running, dance, sleep, art, writing, reading, country drives, music, morning, fruit and simple meals, fitness, dogs, babies, the sky … I’m not sure why now. Maybe because I’m planning to move and need to choose my new path (town, job, career, hobbies, relationships, family). Maybe it’s M’s wedding, or watching D’s C. I guess it’s everything because I’m looking everywhere for the answers, for signs and wisdom. I guess it’s about asking the questions. What do I want? And knowing that the answers aren’t the obvious ones at all. They’re not “make more money” or “lose weight”, two goals I erased from my list today. It’s about doing what brings joy. All else (money, fitness) follows naturally when you follow your bliss.

I subscribed to the ballet. This is a big deal for me … to realize ballet is a “bliss” for me, to think of a way I can incorporate it into my life, to decide to do it, to get the information (brochure and website), choose shows and seats, make the call, spend the money (ouch). And get this – I’m doing it alone. I’m going to the ballet because it’s something I love and I don’t need anyone by my side to enjoy it.

I may never be a ballerina, but I can go to the ballet, learn about ballet, and maybe if my leg gets better I can take a ballet class.

I think I’m starting to understand this. I think it’s about going after things that MAKE YOU SMILE. This is a whole new direction for me, since I’m usually in a serious mindframe, worried or depressed … and my goal is usually not about smiling. On this new note, I think I’m going to take some group singing lessons because I enjoy singing and social activity!

I’m also understanding that even the good stuff is not ALL fun. For example, last night I was so happy to eat a yummy veggie lasagna I made, and to have friends to dinner. But first I had to deal with grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. It was work, but in the end it was totally worth the reward.

I took a first step. I found free sheet music online and played the piano (keyboard actually) for the first time in over 20 years. I’m amazed how much I remember. I’m excited to get to the point where I’m playing and singing songs I love.

I just need to start trying new things for fun and studying new topics to see if they excite me. I think if I keep experimenting with new topics and activities, I can’t help but learn about myself, what I like, what brings out my passion, what doesn’t even though I thought it would, etc. The sky’s the limit really. I may not be a kid anymore, with all of my schooling ahead of me, but I can still reinvent myself. A lot of people excel at things they don’t discover until middle age. They have these odd lateral entrances into their new fields and hobbies, but they end up there just the same. Life doesn’t have to be neat and simple. It rarely is anyway. The main reason adults don’t follow their bliss may be the shame of being an adult beginner. It’s somehow more embarassing than being a kid who’s awkward and even downright bad at something. But I’ll just pray for help with the shame and frustration. I’ll try to have fun with the process instead of struggling for results. So what am I going to do in this search for my bliss? Where to start? Since I’m on crutches at the moment, maybe I can start with the keyboard that’s sitting in my apartment, unplayed. I think I could really love playing and singing. It’s a start. So I need sheet music … I bet I can find that online.

For now I have to have faith that if I continue working my spiritual program I will get to know myself and come to live a more authentic life. This is on hp’s time, not mine. I want it all now!

In addition to feeling my bliss, I want to come up with a long-term plan that is based on my bliss. I’ve really only thought a few years ahead.

I naturally wanted to follow my bliss as a child, but didn’t get much encouragement or support. I was usually ignored, and sometimes forbidden, shamed, or discouraged. So … I learned to stop feeling my own desires. I want to feel them again. How can I follow my bliss if I don’t recognize it?

I really want to find out so I can follow it.

“if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

-Joseph Campbell, inventor of “follow your bliss”