At moments she seems non-human, because she is so unconscious of her acts, amoral, unfettered by human considerations or hesitations. She does not hesitate to send Henry to Paris and then leave him without the money she had promised to send him. She imposed on him a sharing of their life with Jean. She lives as if in a dream, in uncalculated impulses and whims, plunging into relationships, destroying unintentionally in her fiery course. One man committed suicide for her. She is so busy just BEING, talking, walking making love, drinking, that she can achieve nothing else. She had once though of becoming an actress but could not take the discipline, rehearsals, deadlines, appointments, care of her hair and dressing, etc. She speaks of protecting Henry but does it erratically, spasmodically. She is baffled because she cannot satisfy him, because he rebels against her obsessions, eccentric course, irrational behaviors. In her “possessed” life she is unable to pause, to reflect. She refuses to contemplate the meaning or direction of her life. She lives within chaos.I may be stopped on my course by all kinds of thoughts, pity, consideration for others, fears for those I love, protectiveness, devotion, sense of duty, of responsibility. But as Gide says, thought arrests action and being. So June is BEING. Nothing can control her. She is our fantasy let loose upon the world. She odes what others only do in their dreams. Mindless, the life of our unconscious without control. There is a fantastic courage in this, to live without laws, without fetters, without thought of consequences.
She IS. What a dull world without June. No beauty. No voice. No presence. All the poetry written, all the erotic imaginings, all the obsessions, illusions, nightmares, manias, what are they if there is no June, the warm being walking and touching us? Sterile, all our cries, all our staggering words, all the heat and fervor of storytelling, sterile our creations, if there was no June passing through, like the supreme materialization of them all, with a demonic indifference to human order, human limitations and restrictions.
I want to be like June. I want to reach a point in my life where I only read books like these for enjoyment and understanding, not for inspiration and the taste of something I am not. I want to stop living in the past and the future, but to experience what happens now. I want to be an object of desire, and the master of my own being. I want to inspire others and to be what others couldn’t.
