start living

I feel like poop. I’m depressed and bummed out and hurt. Why all those things? Because I feel left out/left behind by my friends. So on my bus ride home tonight, I’m going to call my friend Amy. Neither of us have been good at keeping up with one another, and I hate it. I hate how non-existent our relationship has become. I need to change this. I also just emailed a friend to see if she wanted to meet for lunch some day soon.

My friend said to me today “In life, I want to be the flame, not the moth.” I need to adopt this.

I am slowly working on this goal; I feel it is an all-encompassing goal, like the title of an opinion piece in a newspaper, and my other goals are just the by-lines.

It’s now been exactly two months since he broke up with me. I didn’t think I’d survive this long. And it’s scary to think this much time has passed. Most days I feel like an amputee, or a dog who’s lost his master; I wander through the hours accomplishing what I must, but always searching for that which I miss most. Him.

I still don’t have enough money saved up to buy a car; which is my first goal. Not that I think my life will change drastically when I get one, but it will give me a sense of greater freedom. I need to get out of the house more. Not that I want to go cruising bars or anything like that; but if I don’t, my parents will drive me insane. I figure the more I stay out of the house, the less they can become dependent on me. We’ll see if this plan works.

I know I need to rekindle friendships, and I feel the need to make new friends. All my my “old” friends are getting married, moving to the edges of the city, and just don’t have time for our old group anymore. They also don’t understand my situation. I had originally told them I didn’t want to talk about it, and now that I do, they don’t want to hear it. Or, that’s how the situation appears to me.

I also know that I’m unhealthily wrapped up in this whole me & FB thing. I need to devote more time to ME. That’s one of the reasons we fell apart in the first place; I tried to make him my everything. And now I’m so focused on us getting back together….although I can at least see the error of my ways here. I’m going to do my best to not call or email him for three days. I emailed him last night; I called him today….so now nothing until Wednesday. So expect a lot of posts here. ;-)

Ultimately, I know that if I want to see change, I have to BE change. It’s just hard to take the first baby steps out of one’s safely constructed cocoon.