Prove them wrong

I should have known better. I do know better….and yet….

I bought a new burner for my parent’s gas barbeque a few months ago, I’ve been meaning to install it for ages. The entire barbeque itself needs replacing, it’s a hand-me-down of a hand-me-down, but we make do with what we have. So, the present burner’s been on the outs for a while, and when I finally took the brickets and grates off to have a look at it, I saw why: it is completely rusted. Basically all that is left is a pile of rusty red dust, that has somehow stayed in the formation of a burner. Ignited gas comes out in it’s general area. I’ve burnt a lot of food because of this. So I bought the new burner. Every time I use the barbeque, I say to myself “I REALLY have to install that new burner.” And every time, I put it off. So, today my parents wanted me to cook hamburgers. I decided to install the new burner; I had been assured by an aquaitance that it would be an easy job. This is where the “shoulda known” comes in – I decided to do this a few minutes before I should have started cooking, and while my father was in the house.

HUH? A girl attempting to assemble a manly piece of cookery? SHOCK!!! HORROR!!!

That’s right ladies and gents, I’m doing things MY way: take shit apart and then figure out how it all goes back together later. And don’t ask questions in between. As Nike says “Just do it.” So that’s what I’m doin’. I knock all the corroded pile of metal off, and start wiggling what’s left – if it’s rusty enough, the whole thing will fall apart and I’ll be able to just pop the new bits in, right? Well, one piece isn’t quite rusted enough, and so I start banging on it, trying to break it off. That was my second (or are we up to three now?) mistake: don’t make noise while you’re doing this and Dad’s at home. He comes outside and asks if I need help. I said, “I guess so.” Fourth mistake right there. He’s watching me and then starts telling me what I’m doing wrong. I take a deep breath and keep going. He insists I’m doing it all wrong. I explain my thought process. He disagrees, and takes over.

I come inside thoroughly frustrated with the entire situation, and vent to my mother, who snarkily responds with “Well, now you know how I feel when I get so upset with him.”

Great, so now it’s a double pissing contest.

If everyone would just leave me alone to do my thing, then they’d all be surprised by The Little Girl Who Could.

So I was just talking with my cousin tonight about this very thing; about how I feel like there are people in my life who keep popping up with their “doubts” about my abilities, or my judgements, or whatever…and I’m pissed off. I’m sick of hearing about all the reasons why They think I’ll fail, or I’m stupid, or I have no idea what I’m doing.

So why are they doing it? There are several possible answers:

1. I could be manifesting them and their words because I don’t really believe in myself or my abilities. This is quite possible.

2. It could just be the natural balance that exists in all things. Take my relationship with FB. Many people in my life keep going on and on and on about the bad things he’s done in the course of our relationship, and I want to sream and rip my hair out because all I can think of is how that is in the past, and all I can do is accept the past, and learn from it, then move on. That’s it. Ranting about it ain’t going to change shit. Choosing a different course of action to create a different outcome will. This is also a very likely possibility.

3. It could just be that misery likes company. This is more in respect to one person, a friend, who recently broke up with her latest “The One” – if that makes any sense to you. She’s 43, and in my opinion, desperate. She was nuts for this guy, although they only ever spent one weekend together. But then, she was nuts for the last guy too…and the one before that, and the one before him, too. And so now I really feel like she’s looking at the next phase of her life, and how it’s looking like she’ll end up spending it alone, and she’s miserable, and she wants me to be her company. Yes, I agree, FB did some crappy things to me, but I did some equally shitty things to him. This is what everyone so quickly forgets. There is no right or wrong…there just IS. Again, another very likely possibility with this one too.

So, I guess that just leaves me where I left off. I will just keep plodding along, doing my thing, doing what feels right…. I cannot be responsible for another person’s happiness, only my own.

Every single day I prove one of my doubters wrong.

He and I will work out. He is the yin to my yang; I get butterflies when I hear his key in the door; he is the perfect size and shape to fit around me when he spoons me; he makes me laugh all the time; he kisses my back and gives me goosebumps.

He and I will work out because I love him and he loves me.