stop relying on others to complete me

I’ve been doing this lately.

Not sure how I broke myself of it before, but I need to remember asap….

because i’m not sure where else to put it:

i’m pretty peeved that i have to make up an invite list to my own birthday party. just for once, i’d love someone to throw me a big party, and i hoped against hope that it would be this year.

and it’s lame to whine about this, because it’s so trivial, but to me, it’s huge.

birthdays are huge. but no one in my life seems to understand that, no matter how many times, or how loudly i state it.

so do i keep wishing, and end up disappointed? or do i lower my expectations and just deal…..

bleh.
bleh.
and more bleh.

But not for a “Yay! I’ve overcome my negative self image!!” reason, but for a “Fuck me, I finally see the light.” reason.

I can finally see that I am the master of my fate. No one else, only me. I have to take back the power that I give away so easily. It’s time I stood up, put on my big girl panties, and was an active participant in life.

It’s aaaaallllllllllll about ME.

Since I’m feeling very lonely and vulnerable and just plain…hurt.

I feel left out and left behind by my “friends”. So why do I feel that way?? Why am I letting their actions dictate my moods??

I’m not sure what the answer is to this, but I take it as a good sign that I can at least recognize when I’m doing this, and that it is wrong. Maybe one day soon I’ll be able to check this as “done”.