Keep losing weight till I reach my goal weight

and complain that you feel fat? You’re fucking anorexic!!! You have lanugo for Christ’s sake!!! And how can you sit there and say to me, “Oh, I know that feeling.” and pretend to hold my hand when I’m probably three times your size!!

I get it, you’re a sick person with a real disease and you need help. But I’m about ready to kill to be half as thin as you.

;^D

So today I ran my second 5km race. Technically, it was my first 5km ‘race’ as last week’s run (for the CIBC Run for the Cure) was not an officially timed event. However, I timed myself, and I came in around the 38 minute mark. This week was not so good. It was almost the exact same route, but I found it harder. Then somewhere around the third kilometer, it started to POUR rain. I mean, I had to squeeze my eyes shut just to get the rain out of my eyelashes, and spit out what collected in my mouth. My shirt and pants got totally overstretched from being so wet. But I found out something: I like to run in the rain. I like it a lot.

I think I finished today somewhere around 40 minutes. I couldn’t find/didn’t want to stick around in more rain to wait for my time to be posted, so I hope it will go up online or in-store soon.

I’m seeing a lot of changes in my body – it’s becoming more efficent and I like it.

Tonight we reached our ultimate goal in our running class – to run for ten minutes, walk for one, run for ten again.

It was marvellous!!

We will be staying at this rate/pace for the next three weeks, then we do our first race – a 3.3km. Next week my friends and I will be starting a new running class that will prepare us for running a 5km race.

I must admit, I’m totally and completely hooked on running now.

:)

That was tonight’s training. Run for two minutes, walk for one. I thought I was going to die. On more than one occaision I thought, “I cannot take another step.” I passed some beautifully enticing benches, and seriously considered ‘testing’ them. After all, I’m in one of the slowest pace groups, so not too many people would actually see me stop…and I could just pretend to be tying my shoe laces…hmm….

In reality, I’d hate myself for doing it. I look at all the people in our class; all the bodies, all the shapes and fitness levels and the pained expressions, and I love the camraderie of it all.

On the way back to our headquarters, I overheard one of the instructors talking about her relationship with her husband and all the troubles they’ve had. She said she now runs because she doesn’t feel the passion in their relationship anymore, and running helps her to vent her frustrations. I like the empathy this knowledge brings me.

We look at others and compare them to ourselves; we give the people around ourselves labels to either bring ourselves up or down. Those of us who are more insecure tend to react in one of two ways – we either constantly put ourselves down, assuming everyone else has “it” all figured out, or we put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. And then another group of us does a combination of the two. But when I’m out running, I don’t have to be anyone else, I have nothing to prove to anyone else, I have no one else to answer to, and no one else to rely on. It is extremely selfish and I love every second of it.

I can think of no other explanation for it to be acting as it is.

I had my ultrasound yesterday to specifically look at my left ovary to see if there is indeed a cyst on it, like I suspect there is. While there, one of the technicians asked me if I was trying to get pregnant. I said “No, but I’m not NOT trying to either.” She went on to tell me that I had a “beautiful” corpus luteal cyst on my right ovary, and that combined with the thickness of the lining of my uterus, I am – according to her – in prime baby-making mode. I find this strange to hear, because I’m feeling many of the PMS symptoms I usually get. Like I can’t stop eating salt this week. Hell, I can’t stop eating, period! Not really sure what that’s about.

I don’t really know what’s going on in my body at all. While doing the ultrasound the more senior of the two technicians told the younger one (who was the one actually performing the test) to “make sure you get a good picture of the two endometriums.” At which point, I started to freak out. There should not be two endometriums. The endometrium is single and continuous. It does not stop and start at random. It either is, or it isn’t.

And now I have to wait another “five to ten” days before my doctor will have received the images.

Anyway…maybe this post doesn’t belong under this goal, but it will do for now.

One of my friends who is taking the Learn To Run program with me overheard our instructor saying that since she started running last August, she has lost over 75 pounds. I can’t imagine this tiny powerhouse of a woman with an additional 75 pounds on her.

I’m hopeful it will give me similar results.

While running at the gym today, I noticed a man working out who seemed to be similar in age to myself, perhaps a bit older, but he was/is obviously in great physical shape. I hadn’t seen him at the gym before, but then I’ve never gone on a Sunday before. I did my stretching and then started a short warm up of walking on the treadmill. I felt amazing today – I had eaten about an hour before and clearly the carbs really helped me. I even did an extra two sets of run/walk just because I knew I could. During my last cycle, I was staring up at the tv screen mounted on the wall, when I saw the new guy walking out towards the door. I glanced at him, and he made a strange gesture to me – with his right fist, he “tapped” his heart twice and then gave me a peace sign. I’ve seen people do this before, but have never known why. And this was definitely the first time someone’s done it directly to me, in all seriousness. My only reaction was to smile (while I surpressed a laugh – who does this stuff??) So, I’ve decided to make it my mission to find out what this means, and who this guy is, and what he was gesturing towards me for. Was it because I was wearing my Running Room tshirt and he felt a kinship with me? Because I was profusely sweating and somehow we bonded? Or was it my huffing and puffing? What??

A new movtivation to go to the gym even more.

heh.

...twenty eight to go.

I ran on the treadmill tonight at the gym. It was MUCH better than last night. MUCH.

I can’t believe I’m actually accomplishing this. Really…me, who gives up on everything….kinda blowing my own mind here.

runs, that is.

I took my first “learn to run” class tonight. I hated it. It was raining, and I couldn’t figure out a good pace and stride length for myself, and I was trying to concentrate on rolling through my foot as I landed which made my legs hurt more, and I got a wicked ‘stitch’ in my side ten minutes in….and yes, I could complain more if you really want me to.

But, I’m determined to see this hateful experience through – hopefully until I grow to love it.

...but shrunken feet?

Yup, that’s right…my feet have shrunk.

I guess because they don’t have as much weight crushing down on them anymore, they don’t have to be as long or wide. So I celebrated by buying two pairs of FABULOUS heels tonight!!

come wedding atire.

I have three to attend so far this year. I can’t imagine I know of anyone else getting married, so that’s good. For the pocketbook, I mean.

However, I have a slight dilemma in that I don’t know what to wear; and I can’t wear the same thing to all three. Not because I’m being snobby, but because it’s three of my friends, all from the same group who are getting married. I have one dress I think I can pass through one wedding with, but it’s also questionable. It’s not so much ‘summer wedding’ as it is ‘cheap hooker’. ha. Yeah, perhaps I’ll rethink that one. ;-)

Anyway, my mom and I were out shopping today and were in a store that was having a phenomenal 50% off sale. So I picked out three outfits to try on. Each one of them were too big in the skirt/pant and way too small in the bust. So I’m very happy to be a small 16 – maybe even a 14 around the middle, I still have these ginormous boobs that I’m dying to lose!! I know…all in good time, but sometimes I just hate waiting.