be more assertive

Ahhh…good old Bob. :)

Tonight I’m weighing the options: do I tell a certain pregnant friend of mine to get the eff of her high horse and remind her of her very own words, or do I just let it slide and chalk her prissiness up to the raging hormones?

I’m leaning to the former. I’ve had about enough of her abuse. At the same time, I think I know exactly why she’s acting the way she is: life has not turned out the way she wanted. She wanted a big fancy wedding, and they eloped. She wanted all the adoration of a big wedding, but they rushed it and ended up putting other people’s noses out of joint because of it. And she wanted a big deal – rightly so – about this impending blessed event, but she’s warring with her virtual twin right now, which his causing a rift in the rest of us.

And I’m just tired of trying to please her. So do I knock her down a few pegs, or just let it drift away???

Hmmm….

in the context of just saying ‘no’ to stuff my boss asks me to do. as in, “i don’t know if i just took cold medication or not; here’s the package, can you look it up online to see what i just took?” the better response would have been to slap her in the face, but i checked myself, looked at her for a long hard minute and just flatly said No.

other days when i don’t feel so strong, i just ignore her when she’s talking to me, or i tell her i’ll do it if i have time, and then conveniently never do.

subversive, immature, pointless, yes. but these things make me feel better about the situation and the fact that one day, hopefully soon, i’ll be able to tell her to shove her job and the friendship she thinks we have, because i’m tired of getting fucked up the arse.

I will have to cross this bridge eventually, but for right now I’m just going to log this here in the hopes that I can shake off my anger.

In order to use FB’s dad van yesterday, we had to go to his parent’s gift store to wait for his dad to come over with it. So as we were walking in, I said to FB, “Do you want me to wait outside? I know I’m not your mom’s favourite right now.” (She’s been picking fights with FB’s bro and his wife because they are friends with me.) He responded, “No, don’t worry about her, she won’t say anything to you.” I said, “I know she won’t say anything to my face, but I don’t want to make things difficult for you later on.” He told me I had nothing to worry about; just to ignore her. So we went in, and she was all smiles and sweetness (and twofaced). We stuck around for awhile, and then found out his dad was going to be even later than expected, so we went to their house to wait for him.

So FB is in the kitchen, doing some dishes for his mom, and I’m standing in the living room just off the kitchen. I happen to look over at the floor infront of this shelving unit that is covered in pictures. Leaning up against the bottom shelf is quite a few pictures in frames that have never been set out anywhere. At the front of this pile is a picture that looks oddly familiar, but I just thought it was because I’d seen it at the house before. Then I looked back at it again, and I realised why it looked so familiar: it was mine.

I have a good friend who is a photographer, and she often gifts me with some of her gorgeous landscape prints, always signed and dedicated to me. This one print in particular is a beautiful picture she took in Mexico, and had framed for me. It’s just a small 4×6 print in a matted 8×10 frame, and as I said, she has dedicated it to me on the back of the frame. I am so blessed to be given these beautiful gifts by my amazing friend.

But back to the story at hand – so I realised this is what this picture is, and I called out to FB and said, “Why is S’ picture in your mom’s house on the floor?” He came into the living room and asked me to repeat what I had just said. I did. He looked to where I was gesturing, and saw it too. He couldn’t explain it; told me to wrap it up and put it in my bag. (DUH!)

I was – and still am – livid. The fact that this woman feels she can waltz into what was Our house – and in so much as my things are still in it, still is Our house, but at least is FB’s house, and take whatever she wants home again, BOILS MY BLOOD. He told me that she had been there and had “raided his stash”, but I thought he meant of groceries (he stockpiles the stuff that’s on sale). We had an issue last year when she came over and “cleaned” for us without our knowledge; she opened up a bag of things I was going to return and opened all the packages. Which meant I couldn’t return them anymore.

So she stole from me – something that has my own NAME on the damn thing – and then she has the nerve to stand there and act all sweet and nice to my face while talking shit behind my back?? Oh she SO deserves all the shit she’s been dealt in this life!!!

And yes, I do realise just how similar I am being right now – by ‘talking shit’ here, but pretending to be nice to her face as well. But I can tell you that her time will come when she has to face me. And it won’t be pretty. She’s afraid of me. Always has been.

I can’t wait.

I have to write this down before I forget it. And this stuff is all about FB too.

• I want you to know that if I move my things out this weekend, that is it.

• I will not put up with trying to fix this relationship while you date other people. It is not respectful to me, it is not respectful to us.

• You tell me over and over about how I need to stand up for myself more, and you’ve helped me to do that; you’ve helped me to grow and stretch outside of my usual push-over self. So you need to understand what I am doing here. I am taking control and telling you what I want – and need – to see. And if you need to date other people to figure this out, then you are not the one for me. (Have to change this to make it sound less like an ultimatum, more like a power statement/expression of needs.)

• If you want this to work, I need for you to come to counselling with me, and go on your own.

• If you do want this to work, you can’t see other people, nor send pieces of text from your email conversations to me. That is not respectful.

k, gotta go work on this.

to post this; I find many of my goals are really just facets of one larger goal, and so many posts weave into each other thread titles/goals.

Anyway….

I was feeling REALLY sulky and whiny and sorry for myself this afternoon, especially after reading a friend’s blog, and reading the comments that some of our other friends had left for her. They were just light, silly things, but they all spoke of her being closer with them than she is with me. Which is indicative of all of my friendships of late. I feel as though everyone has run off to be with other friends, and more exciting lives than my own.

Then I decided to do something about it.

I wrote to one friend asking her if she wanted to meet for lunch one day soon, and on my way home on the bus tonight I called another one – only got to leave a message, and she didn’t call back, but hey, I’ve been proactive. So I’m feeling pretty good, all in all.

I need to take these baby steps to get to a point where I can exercise assertiveness in all areas of my life, but especially work.

I let people walk all over me all the time. Always have.

To “get back” at them, I become passive aggressive to get what I want. NOT GOOD.

So, it’s got to stop. I hate living like this. And while I thought I was doing okay, just last week – THREE TIMES, mind you – I was interrupted by people I was having conversations with. As in, they asked me a question, I started to answer, and then they’d just start talking over me about something completely different!!!!! W. T. F. ?

I was just tiding up the dining room table, which basically means taking all my shit off it, when I found the Catholic School Board’s Continuing Education flyer. They offer all kinds of special interest courses. As I flipped through the pages and was reading over the small business courses, I found one called “Assertive Communication”. It’s only $92 + tax, and will be on Monday nights. The best part is that I could take the bus from work there, and then get picked up from the school which is not too far from where I normally get picked up.

I think I’ll do it. Can’t lose anything, right?