post randomly

I can’t wait for this effing new moon/solar eclipse to get itself sorted out. Because all the shit it’s stirring up is NASTY. Not just in my life, either.

As my friend Napoleon Dynamite would say, “GOSH!!”

It was a very close friend and family member who told me that she hadn’t used her 43things account in a long time, but after a recent visit, she realised that she’d actually accomplished a lot of the things she had listed. Which prompted me to come back after a five-month hiatus and re-evaluate my list, and I too found that I had actually conquered a decent number of things on my list.

It is probably old news to many users here, but it’s interesting to me that I can write something down here, and totally forget about it, but subconsciously focus on accomplishing these things.

Neato. :)

can’t believe it’s been 5 months since i was last here. things going extremely well on all fronts.

just
loving
life

And none of it really fits under any one goal of mine, and it’s just stuff I need to vent about, so here goes.

I’m really, really, REALLY upset with my friends and boyfriend. (And family, but that’s another matter entirely.) I’m hitting a milestone birthday on Tuesday. A milestone that I have been stressing about for a long time. But I’m also looking forward to it. And, I’ve wanted One Big Party to celebrate it, and it’s not like I haven’t told anyone else that. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve told just about everyone. So, fine. I was also hoping for a surprise party. I’ve thrown a few surprise parties, but I’ve never had one thrown for me.

When I was little, I had only one ‘big’ birthday party with a lot of other kids, when I was four. There was a huge snowstorm, and most people phoned to say they weren’t coming, so my dad went out and picked everyone up. My mom had planned for all the kids to go outside to go toboganning and skating, but we couldn’t due to the weather. So all in all, it was a very stressful day for my parents, and that was the end of my birthday parties. Prior to that one, and after that one, all I got was parties with my old relatives, or at best, I was allowed to invite one friend to go out for a meal, and then come back to the house again to go skating. At the same time, I was invited to all these birthday parties where there were tons of kids running around. It’s fair to say I felt duped.

So fast forward to earlier this year. I started to talk to The Man about this birthday and what it means to me. I don’t remember if I told him why birthdays and parties are important to me, but he does understand that (as far as I can tell from our conversations this past week). Back in December, I told my two SIL’s, one of whom I’m very close with, that my birthday was coming up, and I was really hoping for a big party with all our friends together. Close SIL told me, “Leave it with me, don’t worry about it, I’ll talk to The Man and get something going.” A few weeks go by, and I’m out with some girlfriends. One asks what has been planned for my birthday, and I replied: “Nothing that I know of.” So she and another friend tell me they will plan something for me. I’m getting excited.

Two weeks ago, The Man starts asking me what’s happening for my birthday: what has been planned. I told him I had no plans, because at that point I hadn’t been informed of anything. I didn’t even have plans to celebrate with my parents. And that’s when my suspicions were confirmed that he hadn’t planned anything. And I got kinda depressed. This week, my friend sent me an email asking me to come up with an invite list (who does that?!) so I wrote her back and told her to email The Man. She wrote me back and told me that she didn’t want to, and she just wanted me to come up with the names. So I emailed The Man and said I’d like to invite people like __ and ___ (who are technically his friends), what do you think? He wrote back, “Well, if I was planning a party for myself I don’t think I’d invite your friends because I’m not close with them, so why would you invite mine?” And that’s when I a) got REALLY mad b) got REALLY depressed and c) felt totally let down by friends and my boyfriend. So I wrote my friend back and said that I wasn’t getting any help from him, so I suggested she make it just our usual group of girls.

The next day I was talking to Close SIL and told her how upset I was by it all. She told me that The Man was over at her house the night before and had mentioned that I had asked him for a guest list, but that he hadn’t done anything about it. Um…hello? You just told me not to invite anyone, and now you’re telling others that you need to create a list. What’s up with that? So I sent an email to my friend to ask if this was a “male-friendly” event. (I’ve still never heard back on that one.) I called The Man that night and said I needed to talk to him about all this, because I was really disappointed and really upset. We talked, and he tells me that he had actually wanted to plan a surprise party for me, but for two quasi-decent reasons behind not being able to get necessary help from my friends, he didn’t. So I start to sob now, and he asks me what it is I want. I told him I just wanted one big party where everyone can come and hang out. I just wanted to see everyone together, and have a nice time. So he gets moving, and fast. He asked me what had been planned by my friends. At that point, I was led to beleive that nothing had been really planned, because I was told the night before that they hadn’t even called the restaurant to see if they had a reservation for the size of our group. (Wouldn’t you take that to mean that they hadn’t done much planning?) So he calls his brother, asks if he can have a party at their house (because it’s closer to the city than his own), brother says yes. The Man starts planning. Sends an email to my friend, says “I’m having a party on this date at this place, here are the people from your group I want to invite, is this list complete?” She write back, “Our other friend was planning something for the same night, what’s going on?” And then I get dragged into it. At the same time, Close SIL starts freaking out about having to host this party. By the time Friday rolls around, everyone is pissed off at me: The Man, Close SIL (I still don’t get why, but I think she’s just being retarded right now for other reasons), and my friends. So to settle everyone, I’ve called everything off.

And I know I can’t expect other people to understand why birthdays are so important to me, and that just because it’s important to me, doesn’t mean it’s important to everyone else…..but it really hurts. It hurts when I think about all the work I’ve gone to for others birthdays. But maybe they didn’t appreciate it because they don’t care as much about their birthdays?

It just sucks, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

i’m really struggling with life in general lately.

i’m angry almost all the time.

i hate my job. no, sorry, i hate my boss, and only reasonably tolerate my coworkers. the job itself is fine.

i haven’t done a single thing towards any of my goals here. in months.

my parents are driving me apeshit, and it’s only getting worse as the days pass by.

my living space (i.e. my bedroom) is a complete and utter disaster zone. but i can’t seem to care enough to do anything about it.

i’m finding it harder and harder to be The Good Friend, The Good Daughter, The Good Employee, The Good Therapist, The Good Girlfriend, The Good Daughter-in-law…..

I think the levee’s going to break soon. And I’m scared.

i need to listen to my inner genius more often.

and that’s all there is to it.

No really, they do.

My Godmother passed away a few months ago; she meant the world to me. I loved her like no other. Since she passed while the ground was still frozen, the family decided that they would hold a burial service and small party in her honour at a later date. I’ve been waiting for months to hear when this date will be. I happened to see my cousin online tonight, and decided to ask her if she’d heard anything.

Apparently it took place weeks ago. I am angry and hurt and generally pissed off.

On writing entries here.

I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s just a general happiness with life at the moment? Or perhaps it’s more just exhaustion. Work is very busy, and I am trying to limit the time I spend online at night so that I actualy do get AT LEAST six hours of sleep. Running has also been eating up a lot of time; the class is one night a week, and we are supposed to be practicing two other days each week.

Ha.

Look at me!!! I’m fishing for excuses!! WAAAHHOOOOO!!!!!

...I’ve gone and given out 1000 cheers.