Learn to trust men

Why is it so hard to come by? Why is it so hard to give, and often harder to receive?

It’s not that I don’t want to trust….

The next time I go to see my therapist, we will be starting EMDR therapy. The issue I have chosen to work through via this method is my distrust of men. I’m not sure if I have it quite right, though. I was asked to picture an event in my mind that represents this issue, and I chose the night I gave the ring back to FB. He was so angry. I remember waiting for him to reach out and hit me. He was THAT angry, I was convinced he would beat me. Looking back, I don’t think he was going to, nor would he ever. It was my fear of him doing it that I was more scared of. I almost wonder if I was wishing he would, so that I could take it to prove how sorry I was. Sick, I know. Anyway, I was supposed to call up an image that is very painful, and sit and be in those feelings, and then through the EMDR we’ll talk through the issue. So that’s fine, but I’m no longer scared of that moment in time, because I think that I was scared of my own thoughts more than of FB. So now I’m wondering how effective this is going to be…oh well, we’ll just wait and see.

or it will ruin any chances FB and I have of reconciliation.

So here’s the basics. I don’t trust men. I haven’t for some time. Why? Because of how my dad and grandfather treated me growing up. My father’s father ran off when he was three weeks old, he had a truly shitty childhood and passable adolesence; when I came along he was happy. Then my mom got sick and passed away just before I turned two. Not having had a father of his own, he did not know how to be a father to me. I just found out two years ago – rather, was reminded – that he would leave me at the babysitter’s for a week’s length at a time. I don’t blame him, he wanted to do the best thing he could think of for me, but I certainly have abandonment issues because of his decisions.

My grandfather is another story. He was my abuser. As far as I know, or as far as my active memory will allow me to remember, it was only ever verbal abuse. The worst being the night after my grandmother’s funeral. I have written about it before, but I can’t right now.

He passed away last year. I never forgave him, but I am finished being angry at him. Anger over past events is a waste of time. Being angry isn’t going to get me anywhere. I have to learn and adapt and constantly press forward. But I’m getting away from the intent of this post; basically because of his behaviour – towards myself, towards my step mother, the little I know of how he treated my biological mother and aunt, and what I know of how he treated my grandmother all adds up to me not trusting him; not trusting men.

These men are the two who had the greatest effect on me. I was thankfully blessed with the world’s most loving godfather, two fabulous step-uncles, and many family friends I was honoured to call “uncle”. Sadly, all of their love and adoration was not enough to right the wrongs done by the first two male loves of my life.

This has trickled over into my relationship with FB. I really don’t trust many people, but I need to trust men especially. It’s at the point where I want to go for counselling again, but when I asked for a recommendation from a friend and she gave me a man’s name, I got angry with her and told her “I don’t see men.” It wasn’t my place to be angry with her; she didn’t do anything wrong. It was my fear and lack of trust that got my hackles up and made me lash out. This is clearly a problem that is out of control.

FB knows that I don’t trust him, that I don’t trust many people. He had tried endlessly to get me let my walls down, but I just can’t. I’m working on it though. I know its not enough, though. Today he sent me this . I sat and cried in the office.

I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to trust again.