I’m angry because you criticised my driving. This angers me because you always criticise my driving, which causes me to take the passenger seat. Seems a fair trade off. But no, you had to push me and force me to drive. I’m angry because you say I drive too fast, brake too hard, “drive like a woman”, and stop too far back at lights. Guess what? You’re not shit hot either, but I keep my mouth shut most of the time because it’s easier that way.
I’m angry because I’m always the one being criticised. Yes, things are MUCH better now than they used to be, but you still pick on me. Again, with tonight, I get quiet because you’ve just criticised me and spoken to me like I’m a child, and you get angry because I’m quiet. So you bug me to tell you what’s bothering me, and I tell you it’s that I never feel good enough, and you tell me I’m stupid. So let’s play that scene out in our heads and see how it goes again. I’ll give you a minute to put yourself in my shoes.
Done? Do you understand? Probably not. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you can’t argue what I’m feeling. And the reason I never want to tell you why I’m upset is because you always tell me I’m being stupid. Why should I talk if what I’m saying goes in one ear and out the other? Just last night on the phone you talked over me THREE times when I was trying to tell you something.
Another reason why I’m so angry: you avoid the topic of the wedding at all costs. Tonight I was completely and utterly floored when you actually said something about it to your mother infront of me. Every time someone else – and even ME – brings it up, you run in the other direction and refuse to make eye contact with me while making a joke about it. But I can’t say anything because I’m terrified of scaring you away.
And I realise that to an outsider things will sound awful here. There are many wonderful things about this person, but right now all I can is faults, because all of my faults seem to have been dragged out lately, and I’m fucking angry about it tonight, and just want to stay angry for awhile.
I should really rewrite the title of this goal. I think it’s less “figure out how” as it is just “be in a relationship”. A good friend of mine told me that marriage is tough. There are days when you want to call it quits, days when you just want to scream and pull out your hair, and days when you can’t imagine why you had ever agreed to this ridiculousness in the first place. And I can see that. There are times when I look at him and go, “WTF?!! How can you not understand my point?!” And then there are those days when you run into an old flame and all the reasons why you made the right decision are thrown into your lap all at once.
Those are great days.
My bf has been very encouraging of my running hobby. I tried to get him interested in it as well, hoping we could do it together. We haven’t run together in a long time, but recently he decided to take it up. I’m happy, but my nose is out of joint now. He’s good at it. Really good. As in, way better than I am. As a result, I don’t want to run anymore.
Everyone – okay, not everyone, but MANY people comment on my slow pace as if it is a problem, or a sign that I’m not a good runner/haven’t done training/etc. I run slowly because that’s the pace I can maintain. If I run faster, I get wicked cramps in my diaphragm that force me to stop. So, the bf is faster than me. He can run crazy fast. And it really annoys me that I can’t. Especially now that he’s running and training so often.
So I’m just gonna sit here and sulk for a bit, because having a pity party is apparently what I need right now.
But how does this relate to our relationship? It makes me jealous. And it makes me angry with him. Which is SO assinine. I should be happy for him that he likes it so much, and that he’s good at it. I should be cheering him on. I’m the one who has invested time and money into running clinics/classes, it should be me who is out there three times a week. Instead, I’m sitting here whining online to no one.
Man I wish I had access to a shower at work. I had (have) five free hours today where I could have gone for a nice long run. But who wants to greet clients when you’re stinking and dripping with sweat?
Poopy, poopy, poopy.
I’m frustrated that you said, “We’ll talk later” but later has now come and gone…. just like the “We’ll get together and pick a date” or “We’ll have a heart-to-heart this weekend” all these ‘laters’ came and went. Yes, I am equally to blame for not bringing them up. I’m just tired of this crap between us.
And since we aren’t allowed to fight in the past, but it still bugs me I’ll say it here where you won’t see it: I’m still pissed off that you told me you were going to propose to me two years ago, and never did, and I’m scared that the same thing is happening now, even though you promised you would ask me this time.
I’m frustrated that you don’t understand how important quality time is to me. I went on holiday with my friends out of spite. I know I explained that to you already, but you don’t seem to really understand it. When I asked you what you wanted to do for a summer vacation, and you told me you weren’t going to take any time off, then ended up complaining about how you couldn’t get any time off except for every Friday, it really hurt my feelings. And I can’t even describe it well enough here. I dont’ know how to put it into words you’ll understand. And I think that’s the entire problem. I need quality time, and you don’t understand that because I can’t figure out how to express it.
Just like how I invited you to Montreal; I took that job because I figured it would be a good way for us to have a mini vacation for cheap. I know you don’t like Opera, but it’s free. Do you really think I love cars as much as you and that I was as excited as you were when I took you to the auto show last year? Really? Are you that blind? I have an interest in cars; I try to be more interested because you love them so much.
I hate not being able to talk to you. I also hate chasing you down to try to talk to you. I feel like a nag, but I don’t know how else to get you to communicate with me. I refuse to “talk” to you about this crap through email, because that never goes well. Messenger and text messages are no good, either. So that leaves over the phone or in person, and I’m not a big fan of baring my soul over the phone. So last option: in person. But wait! That’s not going to happen either because if I’m not at work, then you’re with your family or friends or _.
Sometimes I hate relationships. This is bullshit.
As we move forward in this relationship, I find myself taking stock, as it were. Divorce is a rampant disease, one that I will not suffer from. I am confident that we can weather any storm, and I’m not so foolish as to believe that marriage will be all roses and sunshine every day. I just hope that I can make it as close to that for him, and therefore me, as possible.
So things are outstandingly great between us. I was never this happy before, and couldn’t imagine a feeling like this, and yet here I am. And I know I want to be married to him and have kids. But how do I get from here to there? And is it really ME with the fear of commitment, or more and more I feel it’s him.
It would appear I’ve been totally neglecting my list.
There’s a lot going on in my life at the moment. Just trying to keep caught up on everything is enough of a job, let alone keeping other people on top of it. ;^D
I was just thinking about this site tonight, and wondering what goals I had on my list, since it’s now been so long that I can’t really remember a lot of them. I signed into my email account, and found a reply to one of my posts under this goal, and so here I am.
I’ve been working hard on this goal, even though I haven’t said much about it lately. I’m learning a lot. Last week I was totally pissed off because I hadn’t heard from him in two days. Not a phone call, email, or even a text message. Finally on the third day, he emailed. We talked that night, and he told me that he hadn’t called/emailed/texted because he’s trying hard to give me some space, and trying not to be all on top of me all the time, which seemed to be our pattern in the past. Sometimes I need to remember to step down off my high horse and look at the other side of things. I’m always on defense and angry at the world for every little injustice I feel. The truth is, the world isn’t such a big, bad, mean place like I think it is.
Now to convince myself of that fact. Ahhh….there’s the rub.
I need to make a list of ideas for dates/mini trips, so I’m going to put it here, and will have to return and add to/edit it as I go:
- go to St. A’s and Quinn’s for Sunday Brunch
- in spring go to Wheeler’s
I’ve decided to put this here to help remind me that it’s normal for people to argue in relationships.
I’ve realised that I don’t have a clue how to ‘be in a relationship’. I over-analyze and over-think absolutely every gesture, every word and end up driving myself nuts. I get upset after having an argument, and I try to avoid them all together (fear of confrontation anyone?). Not exactly the most healthy practice, you know?
I’m still not sure I like the title of this goal, but it’ll do for now.