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The future. What will it hold? Or, more importantly, what do I want it to be? What do I want to make of it? I’ve been thinking a lot about the future recently.

So, first off, I want to be the residential parent for my daughter, Katie. While my future ex was off running around, “working” late, I was taking care of our daughter; I was the one, more often than not, feeding her, giving her baths, spending time with her, taking her places, and bonding with her in ways my wife did not. I’m not saying I love Katie more than my wife because I know she loves her daughter, but I feel like I have earned the right as being her residential parent after the divorce. I still believe we should have joint custody, but I want to be residential; it’s important to me and I am going to push for it in the divorce settlement.

I will look for a place to live closer to my future ex. No, it is not my first choice for where I want to live, but it will make it far easier for us to each see our daughter during the weeks the other does not have her. Down the road, I can live where I truly want to be; I can be patient.

I am going to bring old friends back into my life on a regular basis. As the marriage deteriorated, so many friends were pushed to the wayside over the past few years and I want to change that. I want to have parties, barbeques, whatever, where I invite who I truly want in my life. I want to see those people who make me laugh, who make me feel good about myself. Anyone who I see as a negative influence, who bring me down from their words or actions, I no longer want them in my life.

I want to travel. I want to go to old favorites and I want to see new places, too. I want to see every state in the U.S. in the course of my lifetime and I’m 24 states away right now. Also want to go into the Caribbean and see Europe…and I will.

Finally, I want a special person to be beside me while I create and live in this new life. To be my friend, lover, travelling companion, and general partner in crime. And the best thing is, I already know who this person is…and I want to be with her forever and always before the end of the summer if everything goes smoothly in the coming months. I sure hope so…

She seemed to be in good spirits upon our return, ready to be back home, and I was thrilled to have her there. She just fell into her regular routine, playing with her Barbies, playing kitchen, watching Spongebob. It felt like home again.

And yet, it’s odd, but I have some mixed feelings in a strange way. I know, right now anyway, the weeks I have Katie I will see Maggie less, and I will see Maggie more often the weeks that Katie is with her Mom. So, I will not have everything I want in any given week, but I will do what I must at this time, be happy with what I have, and keep my eye on the future and the life that I want to create for myself after the divorce is finalized.

I love Katie so much, as well as Maggie; they are what make my life complete, what makes my heart skip a beat. They are the loves of my life. And I also believe the day is coming, not that far down the road, when both will be there with me, all of us together, and I will have what I want most…

Tomorrow afternoon I will drop her off with my wife and she will have her for the next week…and I am dreading this something awful.

Yes, at the beginning, we will try alternating weeks and see how it goes. It will be easier to schedule in this way; however, the thought of not seeing my daughter for a week seems nearly unbearable to me. I will miss her so much and I start crying everytime I begin to think about telling her goodbye tomorrow.

Katie is a wonderful little girl with a good heart and I worry about how she will react to this new living situation. Perhaps I am worrying too much about something that has not even happened yet; maybe she will be just fine, and I hope she will. Still, I will miss her and my house will be very quiet when she is not with me. I will miss playing games with her, reading stories, working on pictures, puzzles, playing kitchen, watching Spongebob, or going out to eat, or to the park or zoo. A piece of me will be leaving for a week, leaving a large void in my life, and it will be very difficult, I know.

She is much like me; we are very similar in our personalities and we have bonded a great deal, especially over the past couple years when my wife has been away from the house frequently. She has changed my life, made me realize what is important, and made me realize what love truly is. Katie entered this world on my 36th birthday and she is, and always will be, the best birthday present I will ever receive.

I just hope my wife and I can work something out so we can see Katie 1-2 times a week during our weeks when each of us doesn’t have her; it would make it a little easier for both of us when dealing with her absence, I believe. And finding a way to make it easier for both of us, and, more importantly, Katie, is what we should be striving for in this new arrangement. I just pray for strength for all of us as we enter this strange new world…

It just ended quietly. Not with a bang, but with virtual silence. Instead of waiting until January 1st like we originally planned, she decided to leave late Christmas night after we returned from her family’s gathering. She will swing by on Thursday when I am out of town with Katie at my father’s condo, and she will begin picking up her things then.

And the thing is, I couldn’t really disagree with her choice. We had become uncomfortable around each other, uncertain what to say, how to react, just searching for conversation that could not be found. It was a struggle for us both. Neither wanted to be around the other anymore. She felt guilty while I alternated between sadness and anger. It just wasn’t working on any level anymore. It was a complete breakdown; a systems failure of epic proportions.

I was just thinking earlier today on how odd it is that one person could enter our lives, just walk in and change everything in the course of three short years. Just alter the complete direction of the remainder of our lives. It just amazes me in some way that one individual can have that kind of power, can create a real domino effect with so many lives just by their mere entrance into your daily existence.

I know what we had was once a solid marriage, based on love and respect, with some good humor thrown into the mix; but it had somehow deteriorated into two people who hardly recognized one another anymore. Two people who had become strangers in many ways. I look at her and wonder what became of the person I married in September of 1990. I look at old photos of us, when we were much younger, and I wonder what became of those two people, where did they go? And honestly, I have no clue.

And then I wonder how much I have changed. Or perhaps I never really did and that contributed to the general apathy that seeped into our relationship. Maybe I had nothing new to contribute, to bring to the table, and my wife just grew bored and restless and looked for something new to revive her. Just a lot of thoughts go through one’s mind at this time and I just hope I have learned a few things along the way that I can take with me so I never have to experience this again. I hate to feel like a failure but there is a bit of that in me tonight…

Ready for my vacation. It is mere hours away and I am ready for a little break. I have shopping, cards, cleaning, calls, emails and sleep to catch up on. I feel like I am behind regarding nearly EVERYTHING in my life. Need to get focused and start knocking things out one by one.

Have many people to see during this time: family, friends, and a relationship to mend. As well as, serve my wife soon. Tis the season, ya know? I know the time will go by fast but hopefully I will be smart and use my time wisely over the next 9 days.

I’m looking forward to the time off and then the beginning of my new life on January 1st…my Independence Day after a long and drawn out 8-month marathon; a final countdown to the end of a 17-year marriage. I guess I believe in a karmic justice in some way and that I will have the final laugh in the end. And, if not, in a hundred years no one will know or care anyway.

And I’m ready to get my bed back soon. Damn, I’ve missed it…

At an impasse of sorts, although I understand why both of us feel the way we do regarding our daughter. We both love our daughter very much and want her, and we each have reasons for believing we are the better alternative at this time.

My wife believes she should have Katie the majority of the time because she has much more flexibility with her schedule than I do. On this point she does have me, I must concede. And she has no problems holding my schedule over my head and saying no judge would award my own daughter to me, no matter how good a father I have been. But why should I have to change my life, leave my job, because of poor decisions she made in her personal life? So I get punished for her mistakes? Well that really pisses me off.

However, I believe that it would be better for Katie, at least initially, to stay in her home, keep as much of a usual routine as possible. She is doing so well in school right now, making incredible progress this year, that I want to reduce the amount of disruption in her life.

I know it will be difficult enough for her to come to terms with the idea of her parents no longer living together, and that Mom will be living in another man’s house. Yes, I will need some help, but it is there…my stepmother and, I believe, my in-laws will be available to cover for me when I am working some of my odd shifts.

I also still have issues with Katie being under the roof of a man with clear anger and control issues, as well as an absence of character and integrity to boot. A man that my wife has called “certifiable” in counseling sessions, that she has said scares her at times, and that she says she does not like the way this man speaks to his own children.

Of course, all this does not apply now. He has made “great progress” in the last 6-8 weeks, she says. I’d like to believe her, but, ultimately, for obvious reasons, I cannot take her at her word anymore. She hasn’t shown herself to be honest or trustworthy over the past two years. Her business and this other man have become her life…and her daughter has been pushed to the wayside. I know she loves Katie very much but I believe she would be safer with me. Maybe I’m just being close-minded and stubborn, but it is just how I feel.

Not sure where the middle ground is, but we need to find it or else we could be moving towards a custody battle, where there would be no winners…except the lawyers. Wife says she truly does not want this to turn ugly, and I feel the same, but we need to come up with an acceptable plan. Hoping the program “Kids In The Middle” will help us find our way. Hoping to be able to have an initial appointment with them sometime next week.

To be continued…

Returned from Sarasota on Sunday evening. Left behind the warm and breezy beach weather of Florida to be hit in the face with the bracing cold winds of the Midwest. Felt like reality hit me hard in the face as well.

The trip went okay, actually better than I expected in some ways. Our daughter Katie has a marvelous time with her cousins as we hit the beach often, and also took day trips to Busch Gardens and the Mote Aquarium. She had a ball and I loved just being able to spend some quality time with her. Whenever we were at the beach house, Katie at some point would begin complaining about wanting to go to Florida. Told her we WERE in Florida; no, she said, I want to go to FLORIDA. Finally, put it together. The beach, to her way of thinking, was Florida. Can’t say I totally disagree with her assessment.

I got along well with my wife’s in-laws, my sister- and brother-in-law, and, of course, my niece and nephew. My wife and I remained civil to one another but little else. We spoke little to one another; having a fight about some ridiculous parenting plan right before we left for the trip probably didn’t help matters any. I just focused on the rest of the family, Katie especially, and ended up being fine most of the time. My mom drove up from Naples to visit on Saturday and I loved seeing her, although we both got emotional when she said goodbye that evening. Also got emotional on Sunday when we left. Thoughts just kept running through my mind that this would be our final family vacation together; the last time I would go anywhere with this group of people again. It made me feel sad because my wife’s family had truly become my family over the years, and now I wonder how close I will remain to them when we separate next month. I hope they will want to remain in my life in some way; I would miss them if they all drifted away. I guess only time will tell.

So, now we are back and ready to get into the real nitty-gritty of this. Plan on talking to my wife tonight after dinner and try to push her towards getting her own place rather than moving in with the other guy immediately after the holidays. Even if it were only for a short time period like 4-6 months, I think it would do her good to have her own space so she can find her way, so she may have some time to think for herself, instead of being told how to think by somebody else; my wife seems like such a lost soul in many ways. There are times I am so angry with her, it almost borders on hate, and then there are still moments, once in awhile, when I still feel some tenderness towards her, still care for her and hope that she finds happiness in whatever form that may be.

Just curious to see if cooler heads will prevail tonight. Will she consider other options or is she set in her mind about what she wants to do? And if her ideas consist of her having Katie the majority of the time, instead of a true joint custody situation, then there is a possibility that this could turn very ugly in a big hurry. I pray that will not be the case. I am trying to be optimistic anyway…

In about 24 hours I will be flying down to Sarasota, Florida, for a family vacation including not just my wife and daughter, but also my in-laws and sister-in-law and her family.

This was set up months ago when there was still some optimism, some possibility of reconciliation between my wife and me; however, now that the trip is upon us, it is looking like something that could be one of the most difficult five-day stretches of my life. All possibilities have vanished and now my wife and I are fighting with each other regarding the new parenting plan idea for our daughter, which is absolutely unacceptable to me since it was created by the other man and it makes me a weekend dad if it were implemented. Now, I will need to bring in an attorney to try and protect me.

So now, a trip that I only dreaded until recently has become something that could be more awful than words can describe. Will we try to pretend (which I can not do successfully anyway since I wear my heart on my sleeve) that we are fine, or are we, or more likely I, let the proverbial cat out of the bag? I feel like we should wait until after the vacation before we tell everyone of our plans. I truly do not want to ruin this trip for all involved. I want everyone, especially the kids, to have a great time. It should be fun.

And yet, how much fun can it really be when you know it is your final trip together as a family, that we are coming to the end of our road together? Going to be many mixed feelings in the next several days, and I’m guessing I will be more relieved than anything when I finally get back home. What will be our home for one more month, anyway…

My wife has been with this other man for at least 1 1/2 years, maybe closer to two, although I was not aware of this until early June this year. Since we are beginning to move forward with plans to divorce, and she is planning to move in with him immediately after the holidays, I have chosen to ignore this relationship; in actuality, it was my idea for them to move in together. Our marriage was dead anyway; there was no going back.

So how come, when she called me tonight and said that she was going to spend the night at his condo, the first time for an overnight together at his place, I felt a slight catch in my throat, a twinge in my heart when she told me this so matter-of-factly? She just sounded so calm, like she was telling me she was going to run by the store and pick up a few things. Why do I even care anymore? I love her but I am not in love with her anymore; I find it difficult to be in her presence anymore without feeling anger towards her and what she chose to do to our family; and I am becoming more anxious for the end of the year to just get here so she will leave.

I am ready. I want to start over and focus on finding happiness for myself, focus on my relationship with another and give it my full attention; however, I feel like that will not be fully possible until she clears out. My wife is a dark cloud that seems to just be hanging over me and I am ready to feel the sun on my skin again, to feel the warmth on my face.

So why did my throat catch, my heart stop momentarily when she told me this? Perhaps it is all just part of this long, strange process. This marriage, which was strong until three years ago when another entered the picture and perverted it, twisted it into something entirely different, something totally unrecognizable.

My wife and I have both lost a piece of ourselves during this awful situation; however, I will be the one that will be the better person in the end. I have tried to stay on the high road like a friend of mine recommended, and I have been largely successful in doing so, I believe.

And yes, my wife has changed like she has told me numerous times…and clearly not for the better. She has become selfish, fearful and the light she once possessed within has grown dim. She has become poisoned by a man of lesser virtue, questionable integrity, anger and control issues, and difficulty with the truth. If this is what she truly wants, then I do not want her; I cannot repect someone like this…and I know I will never fully trust her again.

But I have changed too from all of this. I have grown as a person from the difficult lessons I have experienced; learned from the intense pain I felt so deeply; and become far stronger than I ever dreamed I could be. And from now I will make my life what I want it to be. I will spend time with those I love and trust, and avoid those that that only bring me grief. I will do the things that I enjoy doing again and go to the places that I want to see. And I will look forward to the next chapter in my life that is about to be written; it is coming quickly, and for that, I am thankful…

I was still sitting on the fence a bit up til yesterday. Yes, we were moving forward with plans for the separation, were going to sit down this weekend and begin to look at our accumulated stuff from 17 years of marriage, and begin the slow shift towards our own new lives.

And yet, a part of me, a very small part, still had that vision of trying to keep my family together, no matter what. No matter that my wife was in love with someone else, her “soulmate,” as she called him. No matter that my feelings for her had grown cold. And no matter that my heart was now aligned with another. So despite all this contrary evidence, I wondered aloud if I would reconsider and try one last time to save my marriage if my wife were to ask. And for the course of several hours, as I thought about this off and on in the heart of the night, sleeping for brief periods before reawakening, and asking the same question again, I was not sure of my answer. Deep down, there was a part of me that would do almost anything to prevent my own daughter from experiencing divorce firsthand…like I did. I had promised myself that she never would have to face this after she was born…and now I was about to break that promise to her. It was hard to face; the feeling of failure.

But in the light of a new morning, the answer suddenly seemed so clear; why had I ignored it so long? My wife was gone, and I knew that. She was still there physically, but mentally and emotionally she had left me long ago. She was just biding her time now, waiting til the end of the holidays to make her escape. She said once that even if I tore her away from him physically, her heart, her mind, would always be with him. Nothing would ever change that.

And why would I want to even attempt to maintain a relationship with someone who no longer loved me, who had destroyed the absolute trust I once had with her, who had tossed me to the side of the road for another so callously. Because she said she would keep open the possibility of reconciling with me if things did not work out with her new love; like I was some fallback option? It made absolutely no sense as I thought more about it. I deserve better, far better than that.

And then, more importantly, I thought of Maggie. She had been my friend while I went through this, had offered her advice after going through similar circumstances, and had been steadfast to me while I experienced this strange rollercoaster ride of emotions.

She was the one I wanted. She was the one I wanted to explore a relationship with and see where it may lead. Perhaps it will run its course in time…or maybe, just maybe, she may be that love of a lifetime. And if she is that person, and I let her walk out of my life because I could not let go of a love that no longer existed, then I knew I would have regret the rest of my life. And I no longer want to live a life of regret. I just want to live.

And my heart beats faster knowing I will see her two hours from now…