forgive

that this is not something i will choose once, and wear like armour to protect me from bitterness forevermore. it is something i must do again and again, all day, everyday. in so many little moments, in so many little ways…

and pianos arent falling and
if pianos fell and curls and
bones were shattered the way
something whole in his heart
was shattered his ground was
shattered even to stand in a
flurry of hair and splintered
schemes id still be standing
in hate and hate it seems is
the most dangerous piece of
what was once whole in the
whole mess

i thought you were leaving
when i got in the water
but there you were crouched
down near the edge where
i swam and you said
you were sorry and it
was a different sorry
a declaration and not
a plea and maybe i was
a different swimmer and
dont get me wrong i’m
not sweet but i’m not
bitter anymore.

I am surprised to find you here
floating up in tonic bubbles
where you hide
now that the shadows
are gone
and the recycled pain
is gone
I am surprised to find you here
surprised
at the sharpness
of my time-honed memory
in contrast to that grainy
street lamp image
you took from the shadows
no I never said a word
about that until now
but I still have the picture
for reasons you would hate
I am surprised to find you here
under forgiveness
until I remember
you were the one
who hurt me most
you were the one
who called it love
you made everyone
believe
you made me
and all the while
you made yourself
with pieces of me
and though I hesitate
to save this entry
knowing it will make
you will feel like
more than nothing
to me
this all came up
because I want to use
my own words
so now on this day
I reclaim them.

does not end in an embrace, but in a conviction not to submit to further betrayal. Sometimes it ends in goodbye. Sometimes it begins with goodbye.

Two weeks ago, he was sure that their friendship was over. “because he gave me bruises.” I told him I never had a friend who didn’t give me bruises. Friends hurt eachother. And when the friendship is more important than the bruises, you forgive.

Last night, they were planning their next play date. It was like they were never apart.

I offer you a blessing and a boat, and watch you float down the river, out of sight.