stop binging

I just sat here and ate soooo much. A whole plate of palak paneer, 3 chocolate muffins, 2 cosmic brownies, a chocolate chip granola bar, and 2 balance bars. WTF? What’s wrong with me? Did I not just see the nutritionist 2 hours ago? Again I say, WTF?

I know tonight was emotional eating. I knew it at the time and yet I couldn’t stop it. I was just so confused and unsure and frustrated. I binged twice in an hour, then suddenly when I got home, I was ok. I still had binge-food in my hand and I was able to say “enough.” I talked to Jay about it when I took him the egg custard and he said that everyone feels that way in relationships. I asked how come other people could deal with it and I couldn’t. He said that they don’t, but their coping mechanisms aren’t as obvious or self-harming. Good big brother! But still—I wish I had a little more self control. I think if I could have just gotten through the first half hour after Brad left then I would have been okay. That will be my strategy next time.

Well, I ate really skimpy all day. Lots of chocolate milk, coffee, and a few different kinds of bread and muffins at a sample bar. But I felt nervous and scared all day. Kinda vulnerable and fragile. I went to Patrick’s wedding and that was beautiful, but I felt soooooo fat when I was trying to get ready that I almost didn’t go. I just couldn’t do that to him. My family shouldn’t have to suffer or worry just because I am fat. So at the wedding I had a week moment. I ate one of those big, giant cookies. But then when I walked up to the buffet it all looked nasty, so I ate some pineapple. I felt bad because all I ate today was basically junk, but I felt good because I didn’t binge. When I got home I had some cinnamon toast and more chocolate milk. I didn’t feel good today at all, but I guess it was a successful day. Even people without eating disorders have bad days—theirs just don’t revolve around what they eat.