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THE TRUTH OR COULD BE

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine Sargeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded .

Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Peter Jennings said, “I am Canadian, so I’d like to hear the song “Canada”one last time.” The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians
and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take o! ut my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.
“What?” asked the leader? “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?”

“What,” replied the Marine, “and have you three Assholes report that I was the aggressor?

Aint it the truth!

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside and said:”I have something I must tell you about your baby.”

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. " 
 You mean it
has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often, does it?!"

Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her
and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no,” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did?”

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, “Ahhh … mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “What the hell have I done? He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell our Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them. You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time! heeee heeee haw

Can you pass the 3rd grade?
It’s time for your U.S. Geography Test! You must drag and drop all 48
states in the time allotted to be promoted to the 4th grade.

Click the web page below.. Ready.. Begin!

http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf
Wow this got me ~ I failed the first time ~ I guess I forgot ~ it has been awhile.Hmmmmm GOOD LUCK

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING @ ????? HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN A CHICK SHIT…..

No you can’t talk to my BOSS he is on another line.

Adult Video
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the CD in the DVD player.

To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

“I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the DVD but static,” she says.

“Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those DVD’s. Which title did you rent?” the clerk replies.

“Head Cleaner,” Mary replies.

Lottery Win

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

To which the man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!’‘

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

I’ll take him
1
and him
2
and him.”
3
share the hymns with someone who needs a smile..

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”
“Why not?” he asked. She answered, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband asked…”What are you talking about? We’re both
lying here in bed together and talking to one another!”
She said, “No, I’m definitely dead.”He insisted, “You are not
dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”
“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

...If it weren’t for STRESS I’d have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan…Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don’t
have any film.

I always know…God won’t give me more than I can handleThere are times I just wish He didn’t trust me quite so much.

Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff

If the shoe fits… buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.

Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail…at twice the speed of checks.

If you look like your passport picture…you probably need the
trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me… you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

I’ve tried!!
Have A Wonderful Day!