be happy

I’m happy. I would really like to check this goal as completed. But I’ve only been happy since about the end of July. I forgave myself for a lot mistakes and it just make life so much better. School is good. My family is good. My friends are good. My boyfriend is good.

Yet sometimes, I still have down nights that feel hopeless. And I don’t know WHY. Is it clinical depression? PMS? Just life? Or is it fear of repeating the past? I’ve forgiven myself… but I don’t ever want to make those same mistakes again. I don’t want to let my boyfriend down again… but more importantly… I don’t want to let me down again either. We both deserve to be togther and to be happy. I just have to trust that I make him happy… and trust that I can make myself happy.

Trust.

And sometimes… I really just some extra attention. Just some. For one hour… I want to be the most important person in the world. Then we can go back to normal…

I get into these weird moods where everything seems impossible. It’s like the happiness drains from my body… I wish I knew how not to do this. I don’t want to take anti-depressants. I don’t wat to be on pills for the rest of my lie. I just want to not worry or stress about life. Especially when I know it’s really going very well.

I feel… conflicted.

Rule Number One in my life…

1. Never talk about your feelings late at night. It never comes out the way it really feels. Wait until day.

Hahaha… oh goodness.

Sometimes… all I want to do is eat to be happy. Right now, I’m totally craving fast food. I’m not sure why. I’m not depressed or even unhappy. I’m doing pretty damn good… but… I just want to eat and not eating is making me irritable. And I’m eating all the time.

And sometimes… you make the wrong choice for the right reason, but it’s still wrong.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling right now.

There was shift today in my view of the world. It was really subtle, but it was a better day. It wasn’t great. Not even really good. But it wasn’t terrible like the past week or so has been.

I expect ups and downs. In general, I feel like crap. But I laughed at myself today. I’ve been so critical of myself. And I’m still so full of doubt. But I realize today that maybe it’s okay to have doubt for a while. That’s just… part of it.

In the end, I will feel better having healed myself, without much help. However, I still don’t want to be doing this alone. I wish more than anything someone was here with me. I’m still crying everyday. Granted, it was only twice today as opposed to over and over all day. And I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. It could be worse than anything I’ve felt yet. At least today was a little relief from the storm though.

I’m a basket-case. It’s really annoying actually.

I wasn’t that unhappy when I added this goal two and half years ago. However, having your heart crushed kind of makes it worse.

I keep telling myself… it’s not so bad. It’s not like he cheated on you and left you for someone else. It’s not like he died and you’ll never see him again. It could be so worse.

Why does this one hurt SO much? It hurts worse than the last rejection I had a year and a half ago.

I suppose I know why. I finally felt free of so many things that had been holding me back in the past. Too bad it was too late.

Currently, I’m:
Sleep. 12+ hours if I can help it.
Shower, at least twice day. I realize I’m wasting water.
Read a few pages every few hours of books I almost have memorize.
Clean, meticulously.
Watch TV, except there’s never anything on. Usually it’s movies.
Driving to nowhere.
Hours wondering Facebook.
Cry. Half the time I end up in the shower. Or sleeping.
Listen to music. The same songs. Over and over.
Writing. Either my thoughts or fiction. Both help.
Walking when it’s not raining. It clears my head.

What I’d rather be doing:
Laughing. Preferably every day, all day.
Working. Again, preferably every all day.
Talking to someone who cares. Not a lot, just… enough.
Spending time with friends. People are good for me. Or at least distracting.

As of right now, I’m doing an excellent job wallowing. However, I’d rather be living. How come I want so badly for someone to just be here? To just hug me while I cry? I’m so tired of feeling bad. And useless. I feel useless.

I don’t ever want to feel this horrible again.