recover from anorexia

I am willing to help if I can.

I nearly died early on, and my family got me to a hospital. I’d gone from 5’4” and 110 healthy and normal lbs to 5’4” and 70 lbs. At first, my older sisters told my mother it was a phase. I’d get over it. She didn’t buy it, and one day got me from school and took me to an emergency room where I had to have 12 pints of glucose pumped into me because my heart was near failing. then they took me to a different place for my in-patient treatment because the hospital they took me to for my emergency treatment put my in a psych ward that was very weird, and they said if I didn’t eat, I’d be put in a padded room. I was so weak and sick, I didn’t care what they did with me. Luckily, my family did. It’s a shame because we were so poor, and it was hard on them financially as well as emotionally and mentally. When i think that my heart, at age 12, was failing, it makes me very sad…it’s almost unbelievable to me.

I won’t go into all the details of how I got there, but I’m so glad my family got me help. It wasn’t the best kind of hospital for the particular problem, but after a year of that (and missing a year of school) and a few years of outpatient therapy and work, I got myself on track. I recall waking up one day when I was 15 and just being soooooooo sick of it, of being controlled by that part of me, those thoughts and fears, and I wanted to be like the new friends I had made in high school and be more carefree. It wasn’t easy, even at that point, and it took time, but I never went back to it. I still always lose my appetite when I’m really depressed or stressed, but then so does my family. It’s more of a physical reaction, than me not wanting to eat.

I became quite lazy after I get well and other than being vegetarian since even before I became anorectic, I ate a lot, and a lot of “fattening” foods, without care for much of my life, and I’ve always stayed “thin” and even athletically built, despite “letting myself go.” I’m so glad I let myself relax about food, though. I’m still always called “skinny’ and I’m in my 30s.

In the past three years I decided to get fit (very different from dieting and starvation), for my health’s sake, not to lose weight because I realize I am thin and athletic. For the past three years, I’ve worked out in a healthy way, about 4x a week on average, an hour max, mixing cardio with weights for strength and tone. And I’ve got it. I’ve toned up, I’m stronger, have more energy, and generally feel great. I don’t weigh myself, but when I get weighed at the docs, my weight stays at its healthy, normal weight, and I’ve built some toned muscles (not big, just strong). I also eat very healthfully (for the most part!), and as much as I feel I need to, whatever that may be. The only reason why I watch my food (what I eat, not how much per se) now is for my health, not weight. I am lucky to be able to do that (as people always like to remind me), I suppose, but even more so I wish I had realized when I was 12, 13,14,15 what I realize now: that it’s more important to be healthy than to be sickly skinny and in emotional turmoil and pain. I am glad I am here now, though. My family saved my life all those years ago. I thank them for it. I also feel I look good (overall), in that I look healthy and generally fit. I have always had some body issues from time to time (my butt’s too big, it’s not big enough, my boobs are too small, i hate my feet, etc) like everyone does, but they are fleeting moments to be honest. It’s not that I think I’m hot, or all that—I just let “It” (the big demon) go, and I’m OK with me overall.

I regret my anorexia, even though i haven’t noticed a physical toll on my body (my periods stopped after my first one, and I didn’t get it again for three years but it has been normal ever since, I originally had anemia and kidney problems that went away as I got better with my nutrition, etc), I wonder sometimes.

I do want to become more outspoken about what it really means to have the disease of anorexia, though, because I think in general the media portrays it as just a desire to be thin, it’s because of magazines, it’s a vanity issue, etc—but it’s so much more than that. It comes from a very deep, dark, scary place. And I’ve always wanted to help counsel people who struggle with it, especially the younger set. That should probably be on my to-do list….

To those still struggling: Good for you if you decided to beat it. It takes a lot of strength and will once you decide it’s time to move on. And it’s hard. Harder still to face your fears and other feelings. But you can. All of you have the strength to overcome this.

Best wishes.