be more compassionate

that I’m stalling again.

It is getting tiring, remindimg myself that people hurt me because they are hurting. I should be more compassionate with myself for being tired of the reminders… but right now I’m not.

McCompassion this ain’t. Then, I guess, it would be easier.

I never thought I’d make much progress on this goal (but adopted it because I needed it and liked the idea of a challenge) however, it seems to me that as I look at myself this morning, I seem to have made some good progress.

What I need to do now is to remind myself that compassion doesn’t mean weakness when the person I’m trying to be mindful for has hurt me or others. It is very hard to remind myself that most of the time, people hurt each other because they are are feeling hurt themselves. And I need to remember that all I need to do with this goal is to keep taking little baby steps, not to wake up as an incarnation of Quan Yin one day… although that would be nifty too ;)

to me when I had the flu about two weeks ago. It’s odd, like a transformation. I don’t know if I can explain it. But it’s definitely changed me and my ability to be compassionate. I’m not saying I’m no longer bitter but it is rather decreased.

Two days ago, I read a book by Thich Nhat Hanh, which was a book on anger. At the time, I remember being very dissatisfied with the advice. Then I wake up today and resolve to try vegetarianism for at least one week. Suddenly, I have this overwhelming compassion towards animals (and I already had a very great deal) and the body of the earth. This is very strange. It’s like I’ve had a compassion infusion.

As is my wont, I am afraid that I will not be able to sustain what I have been gifted with but I am going to try. You can’t just stop trying when you’ve been given a gift like this.

How odd…

I am so failing this one. I cannot be compassionate with others until my chronic pain gets more under control. There is something about being in pain all of the time that makes me more bitchy and reclusive than full of serenity and compassion.

Perhaps I should give up and try again when my pain is managed more efficiently… or at least managed, at any rate.

It is hard for me to be compassionate towards people who act in ways I consider dishonorable, such as lieing or cheating. If I feel someone has lied to me, the compassion just shuts down. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with this right now. It is hard to act within my boundries yet still feel for such a person without being angry or hurt by their action.

I am making a teeny bit of headway in this, however. When I feel less than compassionate, I try to remind myself that I don’t know what sort of saddness or desperation led a person to act in a way that triggers me. Sometimes it works. :heh:

It is hard to be compassionate if you cannot be compassionate towards yourself.

I often hate myself because I’m sick all of the time. Somewhere along the way someone told me that I was a horrible person and I’ve bought into that as well. I am too critical of myself and therefore, too critical of others.

It is also hard to be compassionate if you’ve lost trust in the world. If you can’t trust, it is hard to show some compassion because you think someone will use your feelings against you.

It is very hard to be compassionate towards people who don’t give a flip about whether you live or die. It is also quite hard to be compassionate towards people who believe that they are so compassionate that they can fault you for not having more compassion. (tongue-twister anyone?)

I find it easier to be compassionate towards people if I do it across the internet but that sort of defeats the point. However, being compassionate towards animals is very easy.