lose weight

It’s like two steps forward, one back. I had a really rough week food-wise, and I think I probably gained a pound. Then today I hiked for six hours, so now I can barely walk but maybe I lost what I gained this week. Anyway, I’ve been feeling like I need a diet coach to send these updates to, but too afraid to annoy and bore my family and friends with it, so you are my diet coach, if anyone is actually reading this. I got this amazing book, the Beck Diet Solution, and have realized that it’s really not just about counting calories but about changing my habits, my way of thinking about food. And though I lost some weight in the first three weeks of the book, it takes at least two months to change a habit, and some of the old habits are sneaking back in. Lately I haven’t been binging except for two days this week… which I really have to give myself credit for nipping in the bud, and also I have to give myself credit for a lot of self-restraint, but I do have trouble overeating when I go out to dinner with friends and it’s family style dinner. Anyway, I think I can lose two pounds this week or so if I really follow the book. Including this part about planning meals… which seems really especially restrictive and antisocial. I already eat the same breakfast every day. Now I should add lunch to that too… the same thing. What I have to be careful with is if I feel I have failed at dinner, I sometimes keep eating afterward, as if I’ve given up entirely. I need to make sure not to eat after dinner.

i am not doing very well on this goal. it seems to be a seasonal habit of mine to gain weight slowly started at the summer solstice, and then not lose it until the winter solstice. i know it’s just a lack of self-control more than any weather pattern though. anyway, i’ve been eating too much and it cuts into my self-confidence.

weight 131 pounds. that’s two pounds down from last weigh in. but lost muscle, so I still need to lose weight, and have been eating too much because of lack of pride, self-discipline, lack of confidence, and lots of good food. i’m still keeping a journal, though. i bought a size 4 jacket, a little too snug unless i lose five pounds. i can do it! more protein, more water, more veggies, and getting away from social stress plus food in combination.

i was doing really well for many months. from december to march i lost about 15 pounds, and then I kept it off through July. but then I fell off the wagon in august, and i am very disappointed and bewildered to be out of control again, worrying about getting fat, being afraid of overeating, and then overeating just because of the pressure and the self-fulfilling prophesy and to get it over with, and then it’s a vicious cycle. I have just lost a lot of confidence, and the overeating and worrying about it pervades the rest of my life. Getting this under control is really important. For starters, it really just feels a lot better to be writing it down in this anonymous community. What a relief. I need to do this every day until i really get back on track. Last November I weighed 143 pounds. By April I was hovering around 128 and 129 or so. Now I’m back up to 133, which is not fat by any means, but what’s more upsetting than my actual weight is the sense of getting fat fast, of losing control. I’m still keeping a food journal, but it’s just a simple calorie count. i think it would help more to write it here every day. i just finished a big work project and so that is a great reason to start fresh. Although I’m traveling right now, I can eat salads, drink water, eat protein, count calories, do the usual things I know how to do to lose weight, starting tomorrow. Avoiding fancy meals with people, avoiding socializing around food. When I’m stressed, I should go out for walks. And when I want to socialize, I should instead meet for coffee. From now on, I’m going to eat 1,200 calories a day. I just burned 600 calories at the gym, which felt great, although I’m very self-conscious of my newly-returned belly. I just feel out of control around food! Especially in my extended family’s house. Especially at extended family meals. Fortunately, no more of that. And from now on I’m going to eat 1,200 calories a day. Pile on the vegetables and lots of water. exercise 600 calories a day every day or every other day. I can lose 5 pounds in a month I know. That’s a deficit of only 600 calories a day. The goal is 1,200 calories a day until I get back under 130 pounds, back to normal. then 1,500 calories a day to stabilize…

Also, so much of my overeating is a dysfunctional form of stress management. I think I need to learn how to take a walk when I’m stressed out. And to also busy some more good music that I like to listen to to cheer me up and calm me down.

current weight 133 pounds
goal weight 126 pounds

but then i remember, i’m still rather thin. I’m just stressed out. i’ve gained some weight, but i can lose it again within two weeks if i don’t give up and let insecurity take over.

I’ve gained about three pounds of fat in the past two weeks from stress-eating, specifically ice cream. But I haven’t gained so much that it will be hard to recover. I’ve really been eating to get rid of my feelings of panic and helplessness. I’ve been really worried about work, and the worries all branch into this enormous worry tree that branches out into infinity whenever I think about solving one branch. But I am recovering already. I’ve doing cognitive therapy stuff to conquer the fears. Like this kind of stuff: http://www.specialtybehavioralhealth.com/assets/PDF/coginitive_behavioral_therapy/Worksheet-_Breakup_with_Boyfriend.pdf
Most importantly, I need to chill out and take care of myself, and then I’ll get a handle on my food intake again. It’s really been an emotional problem, not a dietary problem, although the fear of getting fat exacerbates everything. I’m taking care of stress, going to make sure I sleep enough, even if it takes a few nights on sleeping pills to break this streak of insomnia, and I’m still exercising and keeping a food journal. I feel better just writing about it here.

because of grazing on office food (150 calories per trip to the fridge) and wantonly buying ice-cream bars at night (250 calories for each 5 minutes of pleasure).

i hereby resolve not to engage in either self-destructive behavior.

seriously, i need to cut it out. i’m eating a lot of icecream at night lately, on my walk home. like, three bars a night. i was doing really well. i need to renew my commitment to eating 1,400 calories a day, and to respecting my own time and giving myself down time when i need to relax, rather than eating icecream. i can just go to sleep early, and read by my bed. i don’t need to go out at night.

i feel like i’ve seriously climbed up a few pounds, nearly a belt size. I need to drink water, eat protein, eat vegetables, give myself watch movies and read books, make concerted confident progress in my goals, keep writing it down, and keep going to the gym a lot, and also find other outlets for frustration, other than eating. i’ve been so good up to now. i’m still thin. no one gets fat in a week. GW 125 pounds. I can get there by september.

So, where I live there are prominent popsicle stands every two minutes when walking, and I’ve gained about five pounds over the past couple weeks mainly from that. It’s a serious weakness. Then I’ve lost the weight loss mentality. I’m scared I’m going to gain it all back on icecream! I feel so addicted. Like I can’t walk home from work without being sucked in. Tonight I did better than last night though; only one popsicle, not three. I need to do a sugar detox couple of days and indulge in some more expensive luxurious replacements like Starbucks decaf iced coffee with milk and splenda even though it costs $3 rather than a 15 cent popsicle here.
Also, I’m very stressed out about work still!!! And about my bf.
How can I abstain from icecream? I cannot think of myself as someone who can eat icecream normally. I have never had any self control with such sugar. I really need to cut it all out. I can’t moderate. I need to think of myself as restarting this diet, in stage 1, meaning no sugar and no grains in order to detox. The past week I’ve been swinging wildly from 2,500 to 1,000 calories per day. Feels out of control. Start over. No grains, no sugar. Back to veggies and egg whites and fish and taking pride in my body and in my ongoing self-control. The sugar really is bringing my belly back. It’s not the number of calories, it’s the sugar. Remember: Sugar=belly=sugar=belly. Remember: HALT hurt angry lonely tired.
1. thought, write food intake down. aim for 1,400. don’t eat less than 1,000.
2. eat more veggies, eggwhites, drink water,
3. drink alcohol instead to hit the spot, since I’ve never been addicted to alcohol.
4. have something to look forward to at home: a movie, tv show, podcast, something to read.
5. don’t walk home from work through the icecream stands.
6. reward myself for not gaining it all back. with chilling out time.
Current Weight: 59 kg.
Goal Weight: 56 kg.