stop binge-eating

tonight was my first binge in months. trigger… stress about a test tomorrow. a test i haven’t prepared for enough. other triggers: a cold, haven’t exercised enough, ate half a muffin earlier that gave me a taste for sweets. i ate two ice cream bars, a few tbsp of peanut butter, and a ton of cheese. about half a pound of cheese. which is a lot. anyway, i guess no one gets fat in a day. tomorrow night this test will be over, for better or for worse, and i will start my new plan of 1200 calories per day and 2000 calories burned in exercise per week. and then i should make of for this one binge within days. :)

two weeks ago, famous last words. i’ve been eating a lot of ice cream and probably gained two pounds of fat over the last two weeks. i’m not binging, but i’m still abusing sugar, turning to ice cream when i’m feeling lost in work. i’m considering going on a 1200 calorie a day no-sugar diet to get back into shape.

okay, no binges in a few weeks. i just started enjoying my life, delving into work, going out more with friends, and forgot about food!

Ate three icecreams today. I stopped counting calories but it doesn’t mean I feel better about myself or eat any better. Actually I feel really fat. Someone asked me if I was pregnant this week. I can’t wear my favorite clothes, because my belly is back. I really like Jane’s brain’s advice below. Maybe I’ll go back to counting calories and completely eliminating trigger foods. I wish I could have a naturally eating thing, not counting calories, not obsessing about it, but maybe i’m past the point of no return.

I stopped binging but now I’m about five pounds heavier than in June and it makes a little difficult, I don’t look good in the clothes I bought then. I want to lose those five pounds again, but don’t want to get obsessed and go back to binging. Maybe the exercise would help the most with staving off cravings and bad moods.

okay, i’ve been doing better. went out to dinner last night and ate a little too much, but it was worth it to see people etc. to me, letting the normal eater inside me take over a little bit day by day means going out to dinner with friends. what does normal mean? such a tough question for an American, of a country where something like a third of everyone is overweight, and having grown up in a family that has weight problems, and food competition. i think “normal” means not obsessing about it, means enjoying dinner and meals with friends while not stuffing myself, means forgetting about food when I’m not eating, means being a bit lighter than i am now (which no one else seems to notice, though) Normal means not going through a week or two out of the month in which binging takes over my life and makes me feel too fat and guilty to see friends. normal means having other activities to chill out and have fun and take breaks from working.

anyway, i’ve stopped counting calories for a few days. trying to take attention away from the obsession, it was just fueling it. and i’ve been eating less, trying to chill out and get comfort elsewhere.

okay today went much better. no real binges so far, although i did delve too far into an oatmeal and hot chocolate powder concoction of my own making, (gross) and I still feel stuffed from yesterday

ok, last night i was googling for this problem and came across a list that seemed so beautiful to me after having confided in my mom for so long about this binging, and hearing her just mirror back to me the same f’d up attitudes that got me here in the first place. As in, she judges a good day or a bad day or a good week or a bad week by whether she’s losing or gaining weight. Even if she’s hiking in the mountains or swimming in cool lake, what she gets most excited about is burning calories, which seems to me the most depraved thing to concentrate in the wilderness. I really really don’t want to wind up with her eating disorder, but I already have it. So I should say, I really don’t want to hold onto the attitudes and outlook and self-image that I inherited from her, until I get to her age and find myself isolated, lonely, and obsessed with calories. So here’s this list:

1. My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.

2. I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.

3. I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.

4. My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.

5. I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.

6. Compulsive overeating is a temporary condition in my life.

7. There is a normal eater within me. I will let her take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.

8. I can imagine a life without being a compulsive overeater.

9. When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.

10. I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again.

Hi everyone,
I really need help this week. I just keep spiraling down and down. Now afraid to go out, can’t date because I feel so fat. My work hasn’t gotten done. I have been eating at least 3000 calories per day for almost a week.

I think it’s just because there’s so much to do: job search, freelance work, socializing, decide where to live, and it’s so overwhelming, easier to distract myself with food.