Beat my depression

is too depressing!

this depressed in a very long time. Almost totally hopeless. I really can’t take this. Wish the world would give me a fucking break for once.

Feeling quite shit right now. I’m in Brighton, Tom’s at work, so I’m just hiding out in his room. My iPod playing trying to block everything out, crying. I wish this would all end.

as it used to be. I just came on to answer a comment after disappearing for a bit and when I had a quick look through my goals and my last entries, I felt myself getting miserable. Kinda hate recording the bad stuff, cos I see it again and it makes me feel like that. So, I need to figure out how I can make 43 things better for my mood really.

I realised that yesterday when I broke down in Tom’s arms over being totally alone for months last year. How I was so thankful to have him in my life again, and as my boyfriend now. It’s hell being totally alone. When something happens and you want to tell someone. When you have no-one to talk things through with, comfort you. Just have a laugh with.

But just because the worst is over, doesn’t mean there’s no pain, no suffering, or that I’m anywhere near being free of this.

Home life has gotten worse recently. The other week – Tom had been staying at his dad’s near here for the weekend and we decided to meet up on the monday before he went back home. He ended up staying the night, which I guess wasn’t a surprise. But I needed him especially. And after that night we decided to both go back, cos I wanted to get away from here and couldn’t stand to be away from him.

So anyways – we were in my room after coming back from the cinema. My dad knocks and I open the door after shouting hang on lol. He talks about changing some cable for my tv so we could hopefully get a better picture for one channel, even though he’d said it wasn’t our problem before. He’s talking to Tom and me, asking if he’d help. Then mentions he meant tomorrow. I correct him and say he’s not staying. So he says if he went and got the thing today, would he do it. I was a little annoyed he was interrupting our time together and asked why Tom had to be around for it to be done and could we leave it. I just wanted to make the most of our time, not knowing he’d be staying.

He gets annoyed at me for some reason and flips. I said I needed the toilet and walked away, he goes into his room and we hear him swear. When mum got home we heard them arguing. We were laying on my bed, him comforting me and me trying to block the noises out because I knew I’d want to try and listen in. Dad comes stomping up the stairs, swings my door open with no warning, shouts angrily at us “thank you and goodnight” and slams it shut again. He goes up and down the stairs a couple times and then I hear him drive off in the car. We soon find out he’s also pulled the plug on the internet, which I find just childish. He doesn’t come back that night (that’s never happened before), comes back at 11 am, just before we left. I walk into the living room where he was, put my bag down and get my coat. He apologises to me, I totally ignore him, not wanting to accept the apology as it’s not the first time he’s flipped on me.

The past 2-3 weeks I’ve spent mostly with Tom, only spending the weekend he was at his dad’s, and one night earlier this week here. He’s just gone back home after we’ve been looking after his mum’s house for a few days, and he starts work tomorrow. I have no idea when I’m next going to see him. He’s my home now. This place never was, and never will be my home. I want to be with him permanently. We both want to. The goodbyes are just getting harder.

I see a way out of this rut I’ve been in, and yet I can’t just grab it, cos of course there’s complications. We want to be together and I can’t stand to live here anymore. I can’t start looking for a job here, cos it ties me to this place and I can’t pick up and go see him when I want or need to. The thing is, I can’t really move in with him and his housemates, because he has the smallest room. It’s not fucking fair. I don’t know what I’m meant to do. I’m happy when I’m around him, but right now I feel lost. Like my life is on hold till I’m with him for real.

considering seeing someone again. I’m getting nowhere.

in a while :’(

Feel completely lost and have no idea what I’m meant to do about my situation. I really do want a job and to be earning money, but I know in my state going to any interviews would be pointless.

writing entries on this. It’s not that it’s being beaten – it really isn’t – if it seems I’m more cheerful, it’s because I’m keeping it positive on 43 things.

I know I still have nothing new to say under this goal. It’s never going to be beaten. Hate getting up after midday. Not eating properly. Not wanting to talk to or be around my parents still. Wouldn’t be able to get a job. Only one real-life friend and I try not to talk to him when I’m like this because I got p*ssed off with him when I used to, because he couldn’t help me. I’m drifting more than ever. I feel totally hopeless. I wish I had someone else’s view on the world, because I don’t think there’s any meaning or reason. It all means nothing in the end. I find it so hard to just get the motivation/energy to have a bath – I hate admitting that. I just want to cry myself to sleep again, but crying is so painful. I don’t want to talk to anyone, because it won’t help. There’s nothing anyone can say to me. I don’t know what to do. No clue whatsoever. Guess I’ll just keep listening to music to match my mood and sobbing. Waiting for someone to reply in the hope they’ll say something that will help, even though I just said I don’t think anything can.