Do everything I can to make my brain happy, and keep it that way.

Some adjustments and changes have been made recently to the medication I’m on; I’m not crazy about meds but I have a lot of hope for this drug, it’s helped me before, and I am feeling pretty good – except I’ve got this pesky problem with severe dizziness, ever since the dosage increased. Like the world keeps tilting from one side to the other, and I actually stumble! Scary. It happened last night (fortunately I’ve been fine during the day), and tonight it’s really bad – I just took P. for a walk and I was wobbling all over the sidewalk like the stone drunk guys coming out of the corner bar. It’s funny, because I feel pretty normal apart from that. It would be sorta fun, but it’s pretty inconvenient – I feel like I might tip over just sitting on the couch, so I’m not super productive right now. Guess I need to stay on a lower dose for a while.

Assuming that it is the medication. Maybe it’s something weird and scary. But let’s go with the medication, for now.

My brain is really working overtime while I sleep. Yesterday was a rough day, due at least in part to a monthly chemistry quirk – and last night, like several nights these past weeks, I had “Justify Yourself” dreams. In last night’s version, I was out in some public place with my father, who asked me very brusquely to not make a scene – said I was out of control lately and exhibiting antisocial, psychotic behavior. This led into an argument with my parents, which quickly turned into a trial – the details are fuzzy now but essentially I was on trial for murder, and had to prove my own innocence . . . something to do with love letters . . .

Note to Brain: WTF, yo?

and really, I need to get off my butt and go get ready for it. There is a pdoc here who, over the past several years, has been kind enough to see me for extremely reduced fees – once in a great while, as most of the time I’ve known her I’ve lived either an hour and a half away, or a couple days away. So my appointments with her have been kind of a stopgap, rather than therapeutic, and have had mostly to do with medication. It’s not the best of situations, but it’s better than nothing at the moment. I saw her about a month ago and she prescribed an increase in medication, which I haven’t been fully able to manage – being all zombified doesn’t really help my mood much, in the end. So today we’ll talk more about pills. I’m tired of talking about pills. The way psychopharmaceuticals work, it’s like talking about picking the right lottery numbers . . . maybe with better odds, but still.

OK, so this has not been the summer of my dreams. A little breakdown, a big bellyflop into a major depressive episode, unpleasant drug trials, and – hey look, it’s mid-August! Time to go back to school!

I am on the mend, feeling considerably better than I did at the bottom of the pit, but this little adventure was frightening. Not that I haven’t been through such things time and time again, and I guess that’s part of why it was frightening – it seemed at the time that my stores of hope were completely wiped out, and that I didn’t have what it took to drag myself out of it anymore – that I was completely reliant on other people. Not true, of course, but I have never before felt that I was possibly a mortal danger to myself.

Anyway, there’s been some discussion about whether I should be returning to school at all this fall, all things considered. Getting anything done has been impossible for most of the summer, and I’ve been afraid that I won’t be able to make it through classes. But, just as I chose to stay in my incredibly stressful & poorly-paying summer job throughout all this, as sort of an anchor to the world beyond my skull, I think that dropping out of school to tend to my mental health should be my last resort. It is clear, however, that depression and dysthymia have made major inroads, and it is going to take considerable effort to repair the damage and rebuild the fort. Even when I’m feeling better, I have to keep on top of this . . . so I’ll be adding goals towards this purpose, and tracking my progress.