I just wrote a long entry about my current situation in school, and then I lost it! And it’s far too late to write it all again.
Precis: Positive generality, reminder of previous unpleasantness, affirmation of positive generality, note of concern, greater note of concern, caveat, somewhat more barbed disgruntlement, full-fledged doubt and discontent. Proclamation of sorrow and loss.
It will all come out OK in the end, I’m sure.
This one, while filled with much turmoil, ended in much success, including a performance piece yesterday that went super well (new pictures on my site, for those in the know!)
Last night I kep waking up feeling panicky and thinking there was something I needed to do . . . and there wasn’t.
left in this semester. I should not be sitting here on the couch making 43T entries, but that’s kind of where I’m at . . . just want to be done! And I’m not. Yet.
I got a scholarship for a summer program!
I think I was one of very few people who actually applied for it, but still.
at the moment, neither is graduate school. I have pretty good reasons for not rocking (although I really need to try and push past them regardless of how tired I may be). But my school . . . meh. I just found out that the teacher who is most supportive of me and most important to my work here will not be returning next year. I don’t know yet whether this is by her choice or by someone else’s stupid decision (the position is being expanded and so there is a search going on, and I just found out she’s not on the short list). It’s not quite appropriate to go into the details here, but 1) if it’s her decision, I totally understand why she would make it and 2) it sucks. If it’s not her decision, then it sucks even more. I am so disappointed and upset and apprehensive of the rest of my time here.
::grinds teeth, hits sofa cushions, slumps into despond::
I haven’t really rocked this week. I’ve procrastinated and put off and napped. Now it’s Monday, I have work due this evening, and I need to get off my ass and finish it.
The change of the seasons always takes me by surprise. Were humans ever hibernators? Because it sure does feel like I’m responding to some primal urge for very extended napping, in the fall.
I have to present a movement piece tomorrow!
Week three of the semester, and whoops! hey, look at all that work! But I feel challenged as opposed to bogged down or inert.
My papermaking skills seem to be improving, which is great . . . hand-papermaking being a semi-marketable skill . . . and I have chosen to return to the dicey waters of performance as well, territory that I left behind nearly half a lifetime ago, starting with a movement/dance/performance class. My work is getting bigger and more physical and wants an active presence in the world, and wants me to be actively present with it. So far, so good, although at the end of the semester when I have to perform to an audience beyond my classmates, we shall see whether I rock or whether I throw up.
I also have space at my new place to re-build the boat, and other grandiose projects. And I seem to have found my metaphorical balls recently, emotionally and perhaps professionally too, so: no more hiding.
Just got a note from the Financial Aid office (after I sent them an e-mail two weeks ago saying, hey, you guys gonna give me an award letter or what?) saying that I may have maxed out on my government loans but they’ll need at least another two weeks to know for sure. How complicated can the math be?
I think I’ll get this sorted out somehow but at the moment their crappy e-mail (filled with misspellings) has got me feeling quite frustrated and cranky.
I haven’t done this. Or at least, not by any current evidence. It has been a rough semester, and despite putting in an awful lot of work I did not rock. That’s not to say that I won’t eventually, though.