know myself

I’ve had further thoughts about asexualism, following some comments I exchanged with someone on here who appears to be in a similar situation. I’ve been considering for awhile if I may be asexual, but i’ve decided i’m not. If i’m being honest, i’m interested in men, and I know this. Telling myself that i’m asexual has been helpful in keeping myself focused on staying single and getting to know who I am, but I am lying to myself, and hiding from the truth, if I tell myself that men don’t attract me.

At this time in my life however, I am not that interested in sex. I’ve been thinking about why, and have come to the conclusion that it’s because I haven’t met anyone who interests me enough to want to have sex with them. I thought this was the case with asexualism to begin with. I thought that I was asexual because there wasn’t anyone I knew that interested me enough for me to find them attractive. I think that has changed though… I’m not sure. But I know that I find men attractive. In time, I may find someone that i’m attracted to enough that I want to have sex with them, but at this stage i’m not asexual, I do find men attractive, i’m just not that interested in sex.

I’m getting to know myself pretty well. :)

I’ve felt weird this last four weeks. I’ve had heaps of spare time, but I feel like I haven’t achieved much at all. My goals get shifted from ‘give up’ to my list and back again. I feel indecisive.

I feel like I have no motivation. I don’t know where it went. I feel like i’m watching from the sideline. I feel like no matter how much effort I put into something it won’t be enough, because I don’t feel fully committed to whatever it is i’m trying to achieve.

Maybe it’s Winter.

I feel like I need to get up early, go for a run, rethink what I want to achieve, and then just do it. I need to find my motivation.

I’m learning.

I’m currently on a gap year between school and university, and I want to use this time to get to know myself even better. I want to know my strengths and weaknesses and be able to acknowledge them, and work with them.

I already know a fair bit, but I would like to learn more. I want to know what I can handle, what I can’t, how I can learn to handle things differently etc.

A few things that have become apparent to me are:
1. I’m a person who needs a lot of sleep. 8 and a 1/2 is ok, but 9 hours is ideal.
2. I need to eat every 3-4 hours. If I don’t I suffer stomach pains. I spoken to a few people about it, and i’m pretty sure I suffer Hyploglycemia.
3. I cry easily. I mean really easily. Some see this as a weakness, but it’s just how I cope with a situation.