fall in love

That the boy in question returns my feelings, and it’s a glorious feeling! Nothing too serious has happened between us yet, but I find myself enjoying the “taking things slowly” route.

Much to my surprise, I’ve met a boy. Even more surprising is that I think perhaps he may feel the same way about me as I do about him. I have no idea if it will lead anywhere or develop into anything, but I do like feeling this way. I can’t stop thinking about him and daydreaming about him.

And we have been spending a lot of time together the last few days. Unfortunately, I think he’s probably as shy as I am, so it may be a bit before I actually definitely know for sure how he feels about me. My friend Rachael tells me I should just be patient and enjoy this part (and I’m trying really really hard to), but part of me just needs to know for sure if he returns my feelings.

I’m tired of feeling like some sort of romantically inept loser since I’m 30 and single and I haven’t been in a relationship for six years. Therefore, about a month ago I gave myself permission not to think about dating, relationships, and falling in love at all for the next year, and you know what? It’s very freeing. It’s great not worrying about why I don’t have a boyfriend or whether I’m some sort of romantic pariah. I should have done this ages ago.

For a long time I’ve questioned whether or not I really loved my last boyfriend. He was my first (and only so far) serious boyfriend, so questioning this means questioning whether or not I’ve ever fallen in love.

Today, I was gathering some books to sell and I found an old note inside one of the books. It’s a check list of stuff I had written out for him to do. He has all the items checked off and at the bottom of the note, in big enthusiastic handwriting, he has I Love You!! written. The moment I saw that note, I knew that I really had loved him. And now, it puts that relationship in a better perspective. It ended amicably, but by the time it ended I had been unhappy (and out of love with him) for quite some time. When I think back to my time with him, I look back to those times. Now, looking at this note, I remember when we first met and how crazy in love we were. Those are the times I’d rather remember—the way I felt when he held my hand, the weekends at his parents’lake house, the way he would drive up to visit me at school almost every weekend, etc. Loving me, he made me feel special and important, and that’s a nice feeling.

Yeah, my love life stinks, and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. However, I’ll leave this on my list, because I know that my love life won’t stink forever. It has to improve at some point. Besides, being single really isn’t that bad. I’ve had more than enough time to get used to it, and kind of enjoy it.