Always trust I am the best mother I could possibly be

I haven’t been here for quite some time. I suppose I was thinking maybe I could do without 43 things, when in fact it helps me so much to be able to write my random and jumbled thoughts down, instead of allowing them to bounce around my mixed up head.
At the minute I’ve got so much going on in my life. I started college, so have a few assignments to worry and fret about, I have started my volunteer training for RoSA, which is a charity for rape or sexual abuse victims and I have my ever present children. Along with housework, shopping and a number of other things, I feel myself becoming that stressed out person that I have no affection for.
I find it difficult to just relax and BE. So many things pop up throughout the day though to remind me that I need to enjoy the precious things around me, but it just adds more stress to the situation. The most important things, obviously, are always and always going to be my children. Why do I find it so difficult to just be happy in their company without worrying about the numerous other things that need doing ie hoovering and mopping, dusting etc. I’m so scared taht I am going to look back some day soon and think ‘where have my little girls gone?’. They will be all grown up and no where to be seen and I will be left in my self pitying wallowness crying tears for their absence.
Sometimes it feels like my main aim in life is to torment myself in any possible way. I often find it difficult to just allow myself to be happy, because of that annoying, evil voice taking pride of place in my never ending thoughts.
I wondered today if I simply need to smile more. With that smile, maybe the feeling of freedom and happiness will make themselves known. I am still on 10 mg of Seroxat, because I fretted about the fact that Iwas growing ever more anxious without them. But recently I have been wondering if the tablets are causing me more distress. In the last couple of days, I have felt such emptiness and a sincere unknowingness of what to do. I am no where near the stage of harmong myself or anyone else but I do admit to feeling confused and dazed and it’s difficult to slot my feelings into the various slots because, quite often I don’t know what they are or why I am experiencing them.

Ella left two letters for the tooth fairy explaining the loss of her tooth in the bin. The tooth fairy must have took pity as she left a two pound coin. Either that or she didn’t have any change.

Fell out. At dinnertime in school. Whilst she was eating her crisps. She accidently chucked it in the bin and couldn’t find it again.

The holidays seemed to go by really quickly. I can’t believe it’s been six weeks already. Poppy’s having half days until Friday to ease her in but she seemed fine. She was cling as we walked up but she soon settled in. When I picked her up later, she was moody. I put that down to hunger and tiredness.
My little Fella was miss Independant as always. She’s had a really wobbly tooth for a while now and it is literally hanging out. I think the reason she hasn’t pulled it out yet is because she wanted to show off about it today at school…..I know her game!! I couldn’t believe how old she looked today. She seems to have grown up so much without me noticing.

I neglect to notice what a wonderful person ella is growing into. She has so much patience with Poppy and her smile lights up any room. Her imagination is so entertaining and the things she comes out with has me in stitches. She never has a bad word to say about anyone and she’s such a beautiful little girl…..clever too. The list could go on.

Done!! I got the deadly Clarke shoes too. Two pairs this year with poppy starting school but they’re very pretty so it’s fine.

Like I’m getting no where fast with this goal. I don’treally feel like i’m a good mother. I constantly feel guilty about things and that o could do so much better. I love them so much but lose my patience with them more then I would like. I need to figure out a way to improve my parenting skills without shouting and getting angry. I don’t want to be that person. I know I need to make more time for them just to Be. When I’m feeling crap about something I tend to go and get a self help book but I feel I need to look within because I feel like I’m getting to know myself well and I can fond the answers with a little patience. I just get so irritated with myself for not allowing myself to Be the person I want to Be. So frustrating!!!

But Poppy’s 4 today. She is so sweet tottering about in her high school musical high heels. I know a lot of parents would think she’s too young for you such footwear but I knew she’d love them. Fella has a pair and poppy always sneak a go when she thinks she can get away with it. I see it as helping her for the future. At least she’ll have less chance of toppling over when she’s older what with all the practice she’ll have. After all, it’s less humiliating to fall when your 4 then when you’re 16+.

Broke up from school now for 6 weeks. It’s hard to believe that Ella’ll be in yr 3 and Poppy’ll be at PROPER school. I feel like times rushing past and i’m not noticing anything.

Was the Take That concert, and while I loved Take That (who doesn’t) I didn’t enjoy the company. I kept seeing mums and daughters together and kept wishing I had Ella with me. When I asked if she’d missed me she lovingly said lots and.lots, while giving me a huge cuddle. When I asked Poppy if she’d missed me she said no and wandered off into the garden…...charming!