Beat my depression

Shoot, I’m really struggling tonight.

My fiance is so supportive but I worry about my problems stressing him out.

I feel like I need to cry really badly but I can’t. Instead I’ve just been throwing up.

I feel so empty and lost.

I wish I could drop out of life the same way I drop out of school.

I’ve begun medical treatment for bipolar rather than addressing my problems as depression. Maybe it will help. I’d never really noticed in myself the manic stages of bipolar until I started medication to treat the depressed stages. My doctor said this might happen – the mildly manic days are so very foreign to me. Can’t yet tell which I prefer. I guess I’d prefer to feel normal. I can’t believe I ever took for granted feeling normal. Neutral. Okay, even.

I’ve been particularly drained the last week or two. I feel like crap for no reason. I don’t know why it feels out of the ordinary, though. It shouldn’t.

FUUUUUH

I want to cry, at least for the physical release, but I’m just too numb and so tired and so anxious because I’m sooo poor right now. I don’t know how to be both anxious and numb, but that’s how I feel, damnit.

Numbness is so disheartening.

I wish I could enjoy something.

As will tomorrow be.

I’m feeling really alone and i can’t find anyone to talk to so i’m going to use this space to let some things out.

i wrote that sentence and then tried to let something out but it’s like there’s nothing in there. i’m so fucking frustrated.

i can see that my current state is taking a toll on my partner this week. i know he wants to be supportive but he has to take care of himself too. i was laying in bed crying and he walked in, asked if i needed the car, and then left.

i’m trying to think of something to break.

so stupid.

Days one and two of school went well and (for the most part) I remained pretty positive. But today I can’t focus and I can’t stop thinking sad thoughts. Really starting to doubt whether this was a good idea, but I can’t go back now.

I’m afraid of myself.

I feel like such a baby.

I don’t know that I’ll ever finish college. I’ve been trying since 2006 and I’m only half way to my degree. The easy half took six and a half years. Maybe school just isn’t for me.

Now I’m crying in the library, trying to look like I’m reading.

I don’t know what to do.

Tomorrow I’m starting school for the first time in a while.

Today I’m apathetic and sad and angry, as was I yesterday.

I know that now is the time I need to pull myself up and get moving but it’s so fucking hard.

Hit me.

I feel like crying but I can’t seem to.

I wish I could, if anything just for some kind of release. As it is, there’s just all this sad, sad tension built up in me and it has nowhere to go.

I don’t even have a reason to cry. And doesn’t that just seem to make matters worse. Not only am I sad for no reason, I feel guilty for being sad because there’s no reason and I can’t shake it off and whenever I’m in this kind of mindset, all I want is for someone to slap me, so much so that when I get depressed, I start asking my fiancee to hit me. At the time, it feels like maybe someone slapping me might help to shake me out of whatever I’m wrapped in. But he really hates when I say things like that. It isn’t a healthy impulse, but I think it’s better than the constant reflex I used to have to smash my face into walls when I was depressed.

Scary.
I hate it.
I need to find other people, I think, in real life, who have had/are having some of the same problems I do.

Why am I so sad right now? If I were anxious, I’d understand a little better. My life is on the brink of changing quite a bit and anxiety would seem natural. But I just feel sad and alone and so very jaded.

I hope so badly to fall asleep fast.
And why wake up?

I’m learning to help myself. I will fight with tools. Meditating is a good tool.