become emotionally independent

I have these sudden pricks of pain… intense feeling to commit suicide or get vanished out of the space.. I havent tried anything like that because i am afraid .. if i dont die i will have to face people.. I am from India where people dont usually go for clinical treatment for such cases.. I dont want to go there too because i am normal at least as others see.. My pain starts when i try to control my tears and it numbs my throat and i feel like finding a place where nobody is .. I cant stay there too because i feel alone.. I cant trust someone to tell my problems.. My boyfriend is too busy to notice or doesnt care.. I love him so much and he too responds but he tells me to stop irritating if i cry or tell him to be more sensitive..
I just think of him 24hrs and want to clear him out of my mind and stop loving him as much as i do now.. I want to be strong and not emotional so that i can handle myself if he gets over me.. I want to be happy..