stop cutting myself

I’ve been doing really good.

It’s almost unbelievable how much I’ve changed. After I stopped being friends with ‘her’ I stopped being so depressed twenty four seven.

Grade Eight Grad was fucking amazing. = ) the best night of my life. Ever. It made it worth the fact that I stopped cutting because of it.

But for some strange reason I wanted to start up again. I even found my old blades and I was so tempted and for a couple of days that was all i could think about.

I was so conflicted I didn’t know what to do. I mean I didn’t really have a reason to cut, I just wanted to do it. But I am going away on vacation soon and I don’t want to have to worry about covering up scars and fresh cut marks. I still have scars that haven’t gone away, and I don’t care to add more. And I’m also afraid it might become a really bad habit again and I don’t want that to happen.

But so far I’m still ‘clean’ as my cousin would say.

Hang in there,
xOxO
emotionallyunstable

I haven’t done this in such a long time. I don’t keep track but it’s probally been two or three weeks now.

The last time I did it, my mom saw when I went to get a bandage and I had to make up some stupid excuse as to why I did it. I think that she suspects, but she hasn’t really said much to me about it.

Well me and my best friend aren’t friends anymore. It’s a long story but basically she got mad over me for the stupidest thing ever and started calling me a whole bunch of names so now we’re not friends.

I spend most of my time alone except for when I’m hanging out with my new friends.I’ve pretty much become a loner. But I’m not as sad I was the last time I posted. I think I’ve just kind of trianed my self so that when I’m sad I go and do something else to forget about it. You know, push it away.

I still get urges to cut, and I’d give into them if it wasn’t for the fact that I have an event coming up where I have to wear a dress and my arms HAVE to be un-scarred. My grandparents, my parents, and my class is going to be their.

I don’t even know how I feel about anything anymore. I really just don’t know. I mean I can talk to the guys (popular ones too) in my class but only when the girls aren’t there. The guys seem to like me well enough but I don’t know..

I can’t wait untill high school next year. I’ll be able to start all over again, and get away from all the bitches in my class.

Why does everyone have to be like that? They all think that everyone who cut’s does it for attention, but let me tell you. I’ve told four people that i cut and I regret it so much. I wish that they’d all forget about it.

I’m going to fool them. I’ll stop cutting my arms, and cut my hip and stomach. Then when they all know that i’ve stopped I’ll start again.

It’s simple really. I know that it’s wrong. But I just need it to be MY secret. I need something that’s MINE. I want cutting to be MY secret that helps me deal with MY problems.

Lots of people ( all girls) do it at my school, so they’ve basically made it seem like all cutters are attention starved. They don’t even care if anyone see’s.

I’m going crazy, insane. This isn’t normal, I’m not normal. I just feel so different. Like my brain is programmed to over analyze everything and I have to be super sensitive.

I just wish that someone would understand. I wish that ‘he’d’ understand. But like i said, he knows and it only made it worse. I’ve learned my lesson.

NO ONE can know that i cut. EVER.

I’m so confused.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I was sitting bymyself watching T.V. and I suddenly wanted to cut for no reason. My day had been surprisingly good, and I wasn’t depressed but the feeling just came over me.

But I didn’t want to do it, because I knew that it doesn’t really help. I mean sure for a couple seconds, but not for long.

But I can’t give it up; I don’t want to give it up. It’s just something that I do. It may not help all that much but I still do it anyways.

And I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m such a horrible person for doing this to myself. I hate myself for cutting. . . But yet I love my scars. I love the blood. I love the pain.

This is all just to much. I wish that I could tell one of my friends, but they wouldn’t understand. I’m not close enough to them. They’d just either laugh, judge, not care, or run away.

I can’t take it anymore. Everything in my life is so fucked up and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want everything to go away.

I need a shrink. Or someone. Someone I can talk to face to face about my problems and they’d help. Actually HELP.

Someone needs to save me, before I do something I might regret.

Last night, before I went to bed I put rubbing achohal on the cuts that I had made.

It made my wrists feel so weird. I mean at first it was just stinging, like you’d expect it to feel. But a couple minutes afterwards, where I’d cut started pulsing. My vein. Almost as if I could feel the blood pumping through myself.

And it felt. . . Good.

So, So, So good.

And I think I’m ashamed of that. Actually I don’t know what I feel. I just can’t trust myself.

Today though, for some reason I wanted someone to notice. Ya I know that it sounds like I’m an attention starved bitch, but it wasn’t because I wanted everyone to see.

I just. . . I wanted someone to see, and actually CARE. Ya know, hug me real close and let me cry on their shoulder. Let me tell them my problems and they can just listen and not give me corny lines,like “Everything is going to be alright” and “Don’t worry.”

Ya. That doesn’t help. That’s exactly what my ex-boyfriend said when I told him. And it didn’t help. It made me feel worse. So much worse. By pouring my problems on him I made him uncomfortable and he ran away.

But the strange thing is. . . I want it to be a guy. I don’t know why. . Or maybe I do. Because I want a boyfriend? Am I trying to fill in the space my ex left in me?

Auurgh! So many things and questions that I don’t know the answer to and that frustrates me so much. It frustrates me that I don’t know wether I’m lying to myself or not.

I just DON”T KNOW.

And for some reason that is really hard for me to accept.

I need help. Serious help. This is why I don’t believe in God. I think if God existed people like me wouldn’t be like we are and the world wouldn’t be so fucked up. (and no i’m not trying to be rude to anyone who believes in God, it’s just MY opion. Please don’t judge me by it. I don’t do it to you and it’s not fair)

Well that’s my little rant/pour your soul out to a bunch of people you don’t know and don’t know you. Nothing else to say really.

I think I might start keeping track of the days when I cut and when I don’t. Hmmm. Something to think about.

Screwed up.

I did it again today. No one was home, so i grabbed a knife and did it again.

It hurt a lot afterwards and when ever i moved my arm the cuts would rip open but that didn’t really matter much.

I’m not really worried about dying much. At least not now. I don’t cut very deep. Enough to bleed for a while but that’s it. The thing that scares me is what I’ve become. And that if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m scared of bleeding to death, I’d probally just cut away at my arm untill there was nothing left.

I feel like shit. My best friend is ditching me all the time to hang out with people more popular then me. I feel like she doesn’t give a shit and she always makes me feel like crap.

My ex- boyfriend knows I cut. I thought it would be better if he knew, maybe he’d be able to relate to me or something, but I just felt even more horrible.

And I poured out all my problems to him, but I don’t think he cares. He just kinda said bye and left. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m addicted to cutting. Sometimes I don’t even have a reason to do it. I went for about 4 days without doing it and I didn’t even mean too. I don’t know. Sometimes the urge is easy to ignore sometimes it isn’t.

I’m obsessed with it. Sometimes I’ll watch people and look at their writs to see if they cut, or I’ll pretend they do, and think of why they might do it. Other times I’ll turn on my music really loud and spend 45 minutes staring at my arms tracing over the cuts, and fading scars.

I know people who cut, but I think they just do it for attention or something. This one girl I know cuts but she doesn’t even care if anyone see’s it.

And my best friend knows I do it, and she used to do it, but she told people that I do it, even if she does deny it.

And there’s another reason why I do it. My best friend keeps on being really bossy and hurting me on purpose. Nothing serious but like she’ll do something and I’ll say ‘ow’ and she’ll just smile and laugh, and continue doing it. But i don’t have the guts to tell her to fuck off.

And the whole time i’ll be thinking ‘bitch’. Because to tell you the truth that’s what she’s acting like. I don’t want to sound mean or anything but she’s turning into the popular people that she’s starting to hang out with. And that scares me. Alot.

And I like being miserable. For some reason I just can’t bring myself to want to be someone happy. I like self injurying myself.

God, I feel so alone. I know that I’m not and other people probally feel like me, but somehow that isn’t very comforting.

Wow, I got VERY off topic, but anyway. I just can’t help it. I have a journal but writing stuff down on 43 things is much more comforting for some reason.