get through this

is not even close to over.
Life is terribly depressing when it has become so clear that everyone is going to die someday. And for many, someday is not to far off.

November, month of disasters, is over. I’m telling myself that December will be better.

Grandma died yesterday.

After weeks of struggling, she had been peacefully sleeping for 3 days and died within a half hour of showing signs of another struggle. One of her daughters and three grandchildren (including me) were at her side. Another group of family chose to wait in the living room. The hospice harpist happened to be there and made the moment seem almost planned.

Family gathered at her home in the hours that followed. We had a full house, nearly the same as a holiday, with all of grandma’s six kids and most of her kids by marriage and nearly all of her 14 grandchildren along with many spouses, a couple great-grand kids (many are too young for this sort of gathering). As we were all together quiet, mourning and I was trying to cook dinner for 35 people, the power went out. We were in the middle of a windstorm and somehow the candles and fireplace and quiet of a blackout felt totally appropriate.

We all knew this moment was coming. I was in town specifically to wait for this. I’m glad to have been witness and to have been preparing myself in advance.

I’ve been listening to podcasts about Buddhism recently. And having a hard time understanding how to eliminate suffering when the suffering is physical pain. Just Tuesday, driving to grandma’s I finally heard this addressed. They said that when a person no longer reacts to pain, the suffering stops and the pain simply becomes a feeling of discomfort. I thought about grandma as I heard this and found her sleeping in seeming-comfort when I arrived and was so comforted myself to think that perhaps she was no longer suffering. Other relatives (and even grandma herself) found comfort in Christianity throughout this process. I have never expected myself to find comfort in religion and was surprised to – kind of. (I don’t think of Buddhism as a religion and I really don’t think of it as my religion.)

My grandma is dying.
And I’m also considering having my cat put down.

It’s not been a good week, and it’s not going to get better for a while. I need to be able to keep myself going, get to work, get my work done, get some sleep and exercise, not drink my troubles away, not take out my depression on the boyfriend. Attmept to learn and grow. But mostly just get out of bed every day.