ask for what I want

I hate our society sometimes. A friend just posted this article I’d read similar things before. Very timely as I have a review with management this week!

This predicament notwithstanding, my advice for women remains: Ask for what you want. You may not get it, but you won’t leave empty-handed. At the very least, you’ll get information.

I’m the secretary for my bowling league. That means I do a lot of work for the league. Typically, I spend 2-3 hours a week on bowling stuff. Today along with the weekly scores, I sent a bulleted list of reminders. Along with normal things I reminded people of things they are responsible for, which I’m often asked to do. This is a slightly passive-aggressive way for me to say “back off” without naming names or confronting specific people directly.

To my surprise, someone actually replied rudely. Not surprisingly, it was one of the people who often makes my life difficult. She said “You don’t like your job do you? Your email is awfully curt”. I think this is the first time with this goal that I had a negative experience. I don’t want to get into unnecessary drama. But I also don’t want to let her continue to walk all over me.

This weekend I visited my grandma in the nursing home.

Among other topics of discussion, she compared 2 of my cousins. One who is having a hard time making ends meet right now, who she is trying to help out, wilst being bedridden at the moment. He is resisting her help becuase he doesn’t want to take money from an old woman! But she is so insistent. She wants to hire him to work on her farm and wants other relatives to hire him for odd jobs. She is so full of love and help, even while she’s helpless. All anyone has to do is ask. She is the picture of giving. I hope to be so kind as her one day. We all need to learn to ask when we need help and to offer help whenever we can, even if it is a small thing. $50 to clean my gutters would help my cousin pay his rent. If I didn’t live 100 miles from him I’d make that offer in a heart beat.

Meanwhile, another cousin has cut himself off from communication. Grandma is desperate to see his kids, her great-grand-kids, but he won’t even come visit her. She knows he’s struggling and he’s embarrassed to admit it. All she had to say was that if he keeps this up, who is going to love him and care for him when he gets old? Grandma went on and on about how grateful she is to have so many visitors every day. I need to learn to value friends and family as she does.

I want my grandma to get better.
I want my boyfriend to be here right now. Or at least try to get here. I don’t think I can ask him to come back.

I did ask that he stay within cell phone range and he said he’d try, but is driving cross country (not toward here) and can’t guarantee. He said he’d drive as far as it took to have cell coverage overnight. That’s something I guess.

I took my bike in for a tune up 11 days ago and they still have it. The shop was seriously booked up and they said it would be a week. I called after a week and they said it would be ready on Saturday. It’s Monday night and I haven’t heard anything.

The passive side of me is saying that it’s wayyyyy too hot to ride anyway, so let them take their time, they must be really busy, if I call and get them to put priority on my bike then whoever is in front of me in line is getting pushed farther back….

But I’m not going to let the passive side of me win. I will call and yes, I’ll probably accept any excuse they give and wait some more, but at least they will know that people demand to know. And what if they misplaced my paperwork and simply can’t get a hold of me? I should call.

I will call them just before lunchtime tomorrow, then if it is ready, I can go and pick it up on my lunch break.

Tonight I wrote a love letter.
I was surprised by how difficult that was. Confessing how I feel (actually only the positive parts, I didn’t even confess my fears) felt like asking for what I want. Terrifying. It shouldn’t be so terrifying, the fact that it is, means everything is not yet ok. I want it to be ok.

I am not going to get what I want, no matter how much i want it.

I invited myself and my cat over to spend the week at boyfriend’s house.

to stop feeling like this.

I need to initiate the conversation I’ve been rehearsing in my head for the last few months.
I kind of just did. Oh god.

I’m terrified. – And now I’m crying at work. Just great.

I want to have 2 specific conversations. But I’m too scared to initiate them.