Earlier today I let a supervisor get the best of me. He was saying things to try and put me down and belittle me. Whether he was just joking or whatever it didn’t matter. I tried to shake it off and forget about it, but it just got me so hurt and angry. I had a mixture of feelings and the best way to describe it is that: 1) I felt like a little boy crying for his mommy inside 2) It felt like I was throwing a temper tantrum inside. 3) So much rage just wanting to get out.—I haven’t felt like this in many many months.
When I think about it, I’m glad I didn’t act crazy. I tried desperately to shake off these feelings but I couldn’t, I felt so helpless. It has been 17 hours since then, and I’m still feeling the after affects and the sense of insecurity.
Years ago the way I handled this problem was to take this anger out in punching walls as well as in working out. Being quick tempered runs in my family. Of course, I’m older now and know better and realize that I need to overcome this PROBLEM.
I’m actually still feeling the after effect 14 hours later. It comes and goes. I just feel so insecure.
I’ve attracted these type of people over and over again throughout the years. It seems it will not stop unless I find a way to overcome this issue. It has become annoyingly redundant in my life. In the past 4 years I have encountered many people that have taken advantage of me in this way. Sometimes I would act on it negatively and physically, other times I would just soak it up and keep the feeling of anger, rage, and contempt within my heart.
These people do it for fun and will continue to do it because they can. I personally call these type of people ‘angels’-messengers sent to help me become a better person.
I believe this is truly one of those things that truly separate the men from the boys. I want to overcome it. I need to overcome it. I will overcome it. I want to be able to just shrug off these negative feelings or perhaps not even feel it, it feels so evil and ugly.
I will do more research on this subject and try new things. I refuse to let it knock me down any longer.
