Write love letters with total abandon

Sweet thing
So coy
Like a little scatter bomb nestled between sheets

Goodness I can’t wait to watch the distance between us dissolve into unfathomably infinitesimally minute space and then touch.

Love is a spice that goes with everything unfortunately.

You cut me to the quick and spilled out all that I wasn’t trying to hide. The strength to resist you bleeds right out in a sweet-warm flow until there is nothing but the hollow naked puddle of myself lying in your lap totally amazed. You must be made of star dust.

Past the point of no return.

San Francisco Bay, 12-8-05

Foggy shore, dirty and bleak. Empty of help, full of shallow hopes and forgotten promises. Steel tracks to follow over hills and dales like the fake safe path. The wind whips up a the hair on my neck. The water’s a bit cold but I’m determined as hell. I don’t even think about it. I just get in. I start swimming for Angel Island a little over a mile. Doable in a lake but these are famous currents. Dark deep.

Out in the water ships pass. A navel lane in fact. Very very big cargo ships making waves that would swallow a bus. Past that calm waters and a sunny shore where nothing bad seems to ever tread because there’s just no need for it there. Its full to the brim with something else. It sits there like a beacon out in the water all by its self, begging the question, “why do so few go there?” In the currents it might as well be Hawaii that I’m swimming for. Hands numb, the first thing to go. Feet working furious, ignoring all sensation from them. There’s no way I can listen to that. After a gallon or two of salt water up my nose, that horrid little voice starts to ask things like, is this possible? But the golden shores beacons. Its truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It feels like total validation of who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go, how I want to live. It speaks and I seem to understand. I seem to get it so easily, without any effort. Its that thing I’ve been telling myself about for years and just haven’t come close to. There’s nothing left to do but swim for it. There is nothing but mystery ahead, but so clearly the one mystery I want to explore. The one mystery worth living for. No candy coated promise of easy life, no neon sign advertised life in a box, no McDonald’s pre-packaged way of thinking. This carte blanche; fields to plow, meadows to roam, beaches to conquer figure it out by your ass day by day dream land in reality mystery bliss in the sun everything you ever wanted. Just build it. Make it whatever & when was that ever a bad thing This is love, just on the other side of what everyone says is impossible to get to and impractical to think about. What a heart pounding thought that races through my mind. A slap in the face by another dark wave – reality check gasping for breath water in the lungs, loosing rhythm. Stopping. Feet sink down under me as I treading water feeling how much colder it is just 4 feet down, and how much colder it is than that 6 feet down. Black cold, tugging currents. One eye looks behind me, the other on the prize. Gasping, desperately trying to shake it off. Rubbing salt out of my eyes clearing my nose. Deep breathe returns as I float on my back looking at the sky. The sky is the same over water and over land. I measure the situation. 3/4 of the way there. What started as fuck it, lonely sucks, lets see what this is about; is now, you are deep mother fucker sink or swim past the point of no return. Elbos feel like bricks abused by the cold gossiping drift waters. My legs kick. My arms move hand over hand. I start. I just start. There really isn’t anything else I can do.

I wish I could just linger in your eyes once with the sun
to know what’s in that universe
to let you see yourself

of all the waves that beat your shores
perhaps I can send you a gentle wave
one that hugs the rocks
sifts down into the sands to find what ever place it should fit
like the simplest of warm feelings
to fill a tea cup or beacon you on an endless voyage of always more
quiet
not asking anything
just being

good luck with what’s next

One last moment together

Underwater I hear the best
The outer world is gone
the thousand times you called my name tickle my inner ear always softly
I follow your energy
many lives entangle like sea weed
sister lover daughter companion wife
future past now in one shape
I hold my breath and listen to your presence
drawing out linear mementos to watch unfold again
my hands hover above dark blue stone bottom
they are your hands
glimmer of the setting sun strikes your deltoid & pierces my eyes
you race by smiling
orange sunbeams catch your brown iris
I can see so deeply into you
the corners of your bowed-mouth sharply upturned at me
you say absolutely everything all at once
the divinity that is you whispers in my beating chest
I know thee from moons and suns and dust and stars
all is well

my stint itches. I thought it was a sign.
I listened around the bubbles eyes closed
It was just a memory like the flashing refractions of monsoon sky on the bottom
the weekend we traded bodies
the laser burns are healing nicely my dear
you don’t have to worry