embrace my uniqueness (weirdness)

Sometimes this is harder than it seems. I mean, just when I think I’ve got a handle on this… Blammo! – I take it on the chin from some unexpected direction – this time from a good friend as a matter of fact.

Man – I got major criticism in the studio this week. I’m talking – gangs were formed, sides were taken, lines were drawn in the sand, rumors and unsubstantiated non-sense flew. Ugly.

Sometimes it jealousy that starts these things, sometimes its misinterpretation of expression, but its always about fear. Stupid, abstracted behind the curtain in the closet fear.

I think I come across as someone who doesn’t play by the same rule book as everyone else. Ya. Mhhhmm. That’s about the size of things. Sorry. It just doesn’t always push humanity forward in a good direction. Change is a bitch for all of us. Whatever. I bet you don’t always either.

So it was time to have it out with one of my best friends in the studio. After a lot of hand waving and raised voices, I just kept exposing fear after fear, rumor after rumor, slowly getting to the source of the fear. I just wouldn’t take ‘no,’ or blame. Blame is such crap (unless you’re president; then, yes, its your fault). It came down to him being afraid that he wouldn’t be able to be in charge of the project because I was more experienced than him. He felt like it wasn’t a level playing field. He feared being out of control. So did I.

It was amazing when we finally got to the core truth of the matter. The shouting and excitement just stopped.

It was quiet. We talked about how we’d make it work for everyone very calmly. It was one minute from there, and everyone was happy. Astonishing.

Its like people will do anything to mask the real issue because they don’t want to face what they are really afraid of. Its admitting to yourself that you’re vulnerable or not entirely in control. And of course we not, ever never ever. Stability is only an allusion and control is entirely borrowed time. Being ok with that is a big step in becoming unshakable(so they say). Ironic isn’t it? Any way. Every one is chill now.

I just went to an art opening and then to an after-party and realized I’m socially inept and more over totally awkward in the outside world. Could I be having a night – or is this me now!? Fk a duck ! I used to curate art shows in huge galleries – I’ve been the master of ceremonies – the party stirrer. And now I genuinely can’t hold a conversation with total strangers to save my life. This is what 3 years of lock-down in school has got me?! Ohgawd, I’m ruined. I’m a brief wisp of what I once was.

May be it was the crowd? 99% pretentious MFA student geeks~wads. Shit, I mean there were no less than 3 conversations going on at the SAME time about how the person speaking was a superior human being to everyone else. They should ask the school for their money back seriously. I mean hello?, ‘I’m a talking horses ass-who’s going to exude dribble about my trails of late thinking its more meaningful than the second coming.’

“Slaps in the face $1.! right over here!”
I’m going to open a little booth.

May be then I can contribute in my small way.

and boots to match. Now I actually look like I should have an underground lair like I do. That was embarrassing before.

I have this professor I really love who spoke of opinions in general the other day.

He said, ‘when you create, you know you’ve done something profound when about half the people love you and half the people hate you.’ If everyone just kind of likes your work, its probably not pushing it far enough. I equate this to living in general as well.

Its interesting if you think about it. Do you really want everyone to like you? If you’re a person with ideas, ideals, beliefs, passions, desires… you’re going to meet opposition and competition. Its the nature of not being bland, boring, stupefied and banal.

I like my new armored race pants. Tee hee. I feel like I’m wearing a car.