Have an awesomely different life by this time next year

i’ve had the highest of highs & most devastating lows…bought our home (YAY!)in Dec, let Gracie Mae go to Rainbow Bridge Jan 9, adopted Luna Feb 9 & brought her home March 8/9 (she had kittens that needed her), then the last weekend of March weekend Fela was diagnosed with intestinal lymphoma my dad landed in ICU & almost died…dad diagnosed with COPD & emphysema (& has gotten admitted to the hospital once since for precautionary measures)... spring & summer didn’t really exist – it was a rain-filled blur of work, kitty chemo, work, work, work, worrying about dad… July 16 we released Fela Kiti from his illness & helped him go to Rainbow Bridge (i’m never going to get over him)...July 23, hubby went to Oz for 3 weeks, July 28 i adopted Finn McCool, then hubby got home for a week or 2, then Sept 23 off to CO for another week…of course that same day I brought my Siouxsie to the vet for what i thought was something stupid & simple… turns out at some point she swallowed a common pin & it now lies 7mm from her little heart…we have to keep a close eye on her…so i had to deal with that while he was in CO testing freaking cyanide (used in gold ore extraction somehow idk or care)... painted the bathroom AND kitchen…

i think that about sums up 2009… i’m ready to get off the roller coaster now

this goal will always be here…sort of an eternally evolving never-ending goal…each year brings it’s ups & downs yet in some ways it’s better than the last while in others it’s worse…it all comes out in the wash i suppose

the day before vacation, i had a job interview, got hired, took the drug test (passed it of course)...day 1 of vacation, our godson was born (YAY!!! he has the coolest parents!), cut vacation short by a day (broke, needed to do laundry & groceries too), came home, did laundry & cleaned…Sat (the 11th) did groceries, went to a cookout for the neighbors that are moving (he grew up on the same street i did & currently live on), packed my bags for RI, Sunday (12th) drove to RI…came home Fri the 17th, did laundry & visited my in-laws, drove back to RI on Sun (18th) came home from RI on 21st, commuted to Boston for the past week & 1/2…now off to Portland for a few days…then commute to Woburn for a week or so, then commute to Boston for a little bit…I don’t even know if i’m coming or going anymore!!!
i would love to have a normal week again…
i’m anxious about going to Portland because: there’s no kitchenette in this hotel room so i have to eat out (not an easy task for a Celiac) & then after i get back i have to turn in my receipts & wait for reimbursement for my meals…sigh
i’m trying to keep the bigger picture in mind however right now i need more money coming IN than going out & it’s not easy to do when your job is making you travel so much…
don’t get me wrong, i am very excited about the job, it’s just training is getting rather expensive (yeah i know i’m getting reimbursed but that’s not the point…i have no choice but to be late on bills so i can afford food while i’m away)
i’m so torn right now between this sucks & this is great…being broke sucks!!! traveling is great, but not as great as traveling when you aren’t broke!

reality kicks you in the face & you understand that while that dream is achievable…it’s not going to come cheaply…in order to get to where i ultimately want to be, i hafta go back to school & get my degree…not something i can do at this time…i’m still trying to pay off the school i went to 10 years ago (they closed in 2000 so i couldn’t transfer back & graduate with no debt! lucky me lol)
so…i’m sucking it up as best as i can & have been taking a good look at all of my goals, doing some reassessment & deep thinking…
perhaps, even though i want this with all my heart, it’s not aligned with my soul so no matter how hard i try it’s just not going to happen in that way…perhaps it’s something that’s meant to stay a passion & not become a job. maybe that would take the passion away? i doubt it but these are just some of the thoughts rolling around in my addled brain!

for every ending, there is a new beginning…this is mine
today was my last day as a senior payroll specialist. overall, it was a great experience & truly a great company to work for…it’s just not what i want to do for the rest of my life…
so, Monday begins a fresh start…get a job in landscaping (yeah, that’s right! pay me to play in the dirt!) then, during the off-season, start courses in landscape design & horticulture, get my degree in design & open my own garden design company…not just landscape design, truly specialize in garden design…that’s what i truly want to do…
think about it, when you see a really pretty garden it makes you smile, right? i want to make as many people smile as possible while making our world just that much prettier!

and nothing has really changed…the housing situation, the job that sucks the life out of me every day, the feeling of guilt & worry when i think about us leaving him here…
granted, he could rent this place out for more than he does to us (we know we have very low rent), but would the new tenant shovel the driveway to make sure he can get in & out in bad weather? would that person bring him dinner when the weather is crappy & he doesn’t go out? would that person pick up his groceries for him or run errands for him? not very likely…and so i feel obligated to stay…sigh i just want to cry

yet, i still feel this is so close yet so damn far away…
need to find my hope & determination again…have you seen it?

and nothing has really changed yet…my perspectve has shifted a little but life in general has stayed the same

this tremendous feeling inside!!!! i can’t explain it, it’s just there!
something amazingly great is happening!!! don’t ask me what it is cuz i haven’t figured that out yet…i just know

“give up”...this is something i can’t give up on for even a moment or it wouldn’t happen. i am making this happen!!!