be happy

It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten on this site. A lot has changed in my life, some things for the better, some things for worse. I’ve moved upstate to attend law school, and I’m like a fish out of water. It’s been a culture shock and a difficult transition.

I’ve found that it’s just naturally easier for me to be in a down mood… not necessarily depressed, but just generally feeling crappy and listless. It’s hard to maintain a happy nature, especially when I have days like that.

I almost think sometimes that I’m just more comfortable being miserable. Happy can be taken away in a second… it’s fleeting. At least with being negative/depressed/miserable/whatever-you-wanna-call-it, things can only get better – not worse. Feeling happy can only lead to a worse crash when bad things happen – and they will happen. If you’re already down, it doesn’t take as much of a toll.

But, there is another side. Nobody wants to be stuck with an emotional cripple that can’t be happy about anything. If I ever want to have a healthy relationship with someone else, I’m going to have to “quit the negative crap,” as my grandfather says. It’s a constant battle for me to be “happy” or at least positive. Some days I don’t even care… other days I’m lonely wish I had someone by my side.

We only have one life, and it’s a short one at that. Each day that’s spent being miserable is a day wasted-a day that could’ve been spent doing something enjoyable, making a memory. I don’t want to waste my life, but that’s what I do when I spend all day laying on the couch, wishing things were different. Let’s just say old habits die hard—it’ll be interesting to see if I ever get around to forcing myself to change.

spending new year’s eve at home, alone. fuck my life.

My ex-boyfriend, the man I would’ve done anything for, called me to wish me a merry Christmas :) I had only heard from him one other time since we’ve been separated. He told me he loves and misses me, and he’s sorry for the way things ended between us. He thought he was doing right by me in letting me go. He’s ten years older than I… I’m still in college, and he’s running his own business after getting out of the military. We were very close, and it was extremely difficult for me to let him go. I still haven’t, completely. He made it clear he wants to be part of my life, and that thrills me to no end. However, it also makes me realize that it’s rather sad that this is what influences my mood most… having a male in my life. Really sad.

On another note, this Christmas is weird… My dad is in Iraq, and my grandparents are fighting… They never fight like this… I mean, not even looking at each other. My sister fled the area (as I wish I could!) but I feel bad because they came all this way :-/ I don’t know what to do to make it better.

I just can’t do it today… I haven’t felt this down in a really long time. I’m not really eating, I’m not interested in anything. This sucks. I know I control my own emotions, but I can’t help but feel this way after the things I’ve found out. It hurts, and I can’t ignore the pain. Christmas is sucking already. I just want to spend the next few days alone and in the dark.

I’ve been feeling pretty good… I probably failed an exam today, but I’m still in decent spirits.

A couple of my friends are going through a really hard time right now. I feel good that I can be there for them without letting my own problems get in the way. I’ve been able to listen to them completely, without interrupting to supplement with a story of my own. I feel good that people trust me with their deepest emotions and feelings. It makes me happy that people seek out my advice and company.

I’m still single, and semi-lonely, but I’m dealing with it. I’m handling it well, I think. I spend time with my friends, and I’m trying to get my priorities in line. I miss having someone, but like I said, I still have my friends to fall back on when I need to talk or just want to blow off some steam. I’m grateful for the people in my life… they help me feel like I matter.

I’ve been unusually happy and chipper lately. I don’t really know what has changed… because it certainly hasn’t been any particular part of my situation. However, I have been consciously trying to work on my attitude and look on the bright side of things. Things have been pretty decent for me lately, I’m glad to say. I’m still in the same circumstances as the last several months, but now I’m taking it differently. I feel that I can keep this up if I try. I just have to remember not to let the little things and those things out of my control get to me.

Maybe my depression has hit the road for now… I can only hope. But along with the good mood, I have noticed an increase in energy. I even bought Christmas cards to mail out this year… something I haven’t ever had the desire or energy to do.

I just don’t think it will.

1. I’m healthy.
2. My parents are still in my life, and they care about me.
3. I’m smart.
4. I have a lot of good friends that would help me with anything I need.
5. I have a job.
6. I’m doing well in school.
7. I’m young.
8. I’m at a decent weight.
9. People generally like me.
10. I can speak Spanish well even though I’m not hispanic.
11. I have a roof over my head.
12. I don’t usually have to starve.
13. I have a relatively new vehicle that runs well.
14. Although I’m by no means rich and often barely scrape by, but I’m a lot better off than a lot of people in this world.
15. I’m not gorgeous or anything, but I’m not disgusting to look at either.
16. People find me trustworthy.
17. I’m a good writer.
18. I’m strong and willing to do what I need to.
19. I’m a good person… most of the time.
20. Life has good things in store for me… I just need to be willing and receptive.

I think it’s time for me to admit to myself that I’m depressed. I’m not exaggerating recurring instances of sadness. I’ve been this way for almost a year now. If I have one minute to myself, I’m in the worst mood with the most distressed outlook.

I’ve been through this once before… It took four years of my life. I did nothing those four years except what I absolutely had to do. I went to school and nothing else. I feel like the same thing is happening, and I’m helpless to stop it. I don’t want to see a therapist, and I don’t want to go on meds. I got myself out of it last time, and I thought I could do so again… But, I’m at a total loss right now. I don’t know what to do. I try stupid mind tricks to make me “happy”, and it works for a little while. I can’t keep that up. I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. I just wish I could be a happy and outgoing person like everyone else, not sad, lonely, and irritable.

How can a person with as many good friends as I have be so down all the time? I don’t know either. I hate being single for one… My greatest fear is that I’ll never get married. I’m at that age where all my friends are getting married and starting families, and I have no one and nothing. My ex dumped me 8 months ago. He is already engaged, and now he has a baby on the way too. I haven’t had even one relationship since him. It doesn’t matter how many friends I have, that particular void can’t be filled by any of them. I want someone to share my life with, and I want to someday have a family, but I feel I’m too crippled by my emotional state to do anything about it.

I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I haven’t got a clue.

In an effort to try and maintain a positive attitude, I have been “faking” one. It sounds dumb, but if you constantly tell yourself that things are good, eventually you’ll start to believe it. In my MySpace and FaceBook status updates, I am trying to put only positive emotions. In this way, I’m switching the focus from the negative to the positive.

Furthermore, I’m trying to make sure I’m in good spirits for a friend of mine who is having a hard time. I feel like if I can be a positive confidant, he’ll begin to feel better and feel there’s hope for him too.