Just wanted to say...

I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen in love.

I saw a bird in the airport last weekend. he was frantic trying to find his way out. I told a few people at the ticket desks, but they said it happened all the time. I wondered what happens to the birds who find their way into the terminal. It was the 2nd one I’ve seen in an airport in a matter of months.

Every once in a while, I get overwhelmed by this feeling and I think I’ve finally figured out what it is. It’s like I keep this space really tiny inside me and it just expands without warning, taking my breath away. At first I thought I was lonely, but I’m not always lonely, just alone. Then I realized only one thing can sneak up and shake me up so violently – it’s fear.

Fear not from being alone, because, let’s face it, I’ve been alone before. I have a loving and very involved family and lots of friends, but have not ever had a truly deep connection in a loving relationship. Sure, I’ve felt very passionately about a few guys, but never been met with the same fierceness. And the few times it has been the other way around, I just felt indifference (although I tried to be compassionate, failing miserably with the same person twice).

So that’s my greatest fear that I keep under control most of the time. That I will never find the companion that I’ve always believed is out there – not just hoped, but truly been confident that he exists and is waiting for me, too.

I always thought this was a weakness – wanting and needing a mate. I never thought I would start to doubt that this will happen for me. But as I grow (hopefully) wiser, I realize that I am becoming more and more me – and less and less what the mainstream find attractive. And I live in the mainstream whether I like it or not.

Heavy thoughts for a Friday, but as I wonder when the next unexpected space will open and how long will it take me to make it tiny again. I just have to let it go and keep living and sending my love out into the world, trusting that my instincts aren’t leading wrong.

I’ve found myself in this place before – at a crossroads. Whenever I’m faced with an important decision, I try to go through the process of considering all my options, listing pros and cons, but I feel like I’ve already made a decision. It’s almost if I need to go through the motions in order to allow my mind time to get used to the decision I already know in my soul.

I’m not afraid of giving up my job, my house or comforts of home – I’m afraid that taking this opportunity, I will have to leave my family, friends and my dog (who has been my constant companion) behind. All of which will break my heart. It’s a blessing to be so close to my family, but it makes it so difficult to be away from them, too. I’ve never been away for more than a couple months.

I waver between real excitement (which I have rarely felt over the past couple years) and incredible sadness. Most big decisions come with a mixture of emotions, I’m just experiencing both now and am struggling to find a balance. But I have resolve – the choice is between my current path which doesn’t bring me much joy and a new life that will bring the unexpected. It just doesn’t make sense for me to continue as I have been knowing that I can change my life in the hopes of growing and creating new experiences for myself.

Fear casts a long shadow – I never thought of myself as a person who does not take risks, but I’m finding that I have become so comfortable that change does scare me. I cannot belittle the magnitude of my decision – I’ll be leaving the country to a place where I have no friends of family, but still I believe it is the right decision for me and I feel impatient to take the next step. I can’t be afraid to change my life – it’s just too short.

I was looking through some pictures of my best friend from my high school and college days. I’m not sure how it happened, but as we were in each other’s daily life less and less, we seemed to need each other less and less and we lost touch. I went to her wedding and I know that I still meant as much to her as she meant to me because her fiance who I never met knew all about me and I felt the love between us. My friend and I lived through boys, heartaches, rejection, freshman year at college, not fitting in, suicide of a friend, death, sickness and things I cannot even remember. That kind of friendship does not die, does it?

My question is this – why is it hard to reach out to her? I know her – she would embrace me in a second. I see her happy, married and the rich life she is living and I feel like I am so far away from it. I’m not the same person I was when we were together. And I wonder if the reason I cannot reach out is because I’m not proud of who I am right now. On the surface, it looks like I’ve got it pretty good, but I look into my soul and I know that I am still taking the easy way. Or is it that we fulfilled our purpose in each others lives and we’ve moved on. Maybe I’m just looking back and wondering – what if I had taken a different path?

on the way to work today I started thinking about how I search for people who have heroic qualities. It’s as if I need someone to champion – a person who speaks his/her mind, who makes the right not the easy choice, who resists the temptation to fall into what is expected of them and refuses to compromise his/her soul. I look for someone who will grow and challenge himself/herself, acknowledging that to change one’s mind is not always a sign of giving up one’s beliefs or morals, but is often the bravest and rarest of acts.

I find myself looking deeply and honestly at my friends and have to turn the scrutiny upon my own life. Do I know my own faults? Am I aware of how I treat people and how it affects them? Do I find these qualities in myself?

i just wanted to say that i will miss you. this is the only way i know to communicate with you now that you are gone. you love blogs, creating sites, making them user-friendly and doing it the best way.

it was one moment, a horrible fateful moment where so many things went wrong and you are the one who lost. i’m just not ready to believe it’s true. i woke up this morning and had to convince myself that it wasn’t all a dream. the worst part is that you are in the best shape of your life and the best part is that you live your life doing all the things we list on 43things. you live it as if it was your last day and tuesday – it really was the last day.

i will miss your voice, your laugh, how you always wait until everyone has had one piece of birthday cake until you ask for seconds, how we talk about random stuff over a cup of tea mid-morning, how you get off your bike to walk to the deck with me at night, how you get so excited and ask me to come see the newest video of your grandson – you are so proud of him and it makes me smile to see your eyes light up with joy. i will miss how you challenge me, test me and make me a better and smarter thinker.

you are present tense to me. you cannot be gone when we all know you so well. i know that you will let us know that you are ok – some way, somehow.

my baby brother is graduating from college tomorrow. i love him so much, i feel so proud of the man he is becoming.

he’s my favorite traveling partner, favorite person to play ball with, favorite person to play videos games with, listen to music with, and just do nothing with – and i’m so glad we spent our childhood together.

i know i am lucky that we have a close relationship – and i look forward to the good times and bad we will go through together for the rest of our lives.

why does it feel so good to drive with the windows rolled down on a sunny day, my dog sitting beside me in the passenger seat and me singing my favorite songs loud enough for all to hear? i was going to my parent’s house on Sunday on just such a day and was overwhelmed with how free and alive i felt.

life doesn’t make any sense to me. we spend hours and days and weeks and years working for a paycheck to support families and lifestyles that we have little time to enjoy. and i feel the time – i feel restless, continually fighting to be who i am without wax.

but i love the moments when i am happy to be right where i am. these moments find me in the car, drifting along in a kayak on a river, any time i’m near a body of water, laughing with friends, running on trails, anywhere in the mountains in NC.