be disciplined

This has not been happening to the extent that I would like it to. I guess I’m having a hard time being disciplined in certain areas because I’ve really been calling into question why I want these disciplines. I think a lot of the area where I want to be disciplined are selfishly motivated. Like, I want to be disciplined because I know the things will be good for me. I’ve been doing things solely for my own benefit. I mean, it makes sense! When I look at other people who have these disciplines, they are strong and wise and encouraging and bold and all the things I want to be. But I think I’ve missed something along the lines. I think I’ve missed that fact that people do these things out of love for God and people. And the love God because He GRACIOUSLY loved them. Grace.
This concept of Grace. I can’t grasp it. I don’t think I ever really have. This is where I’m at right now. I’m in a place of total confusion. I don’t understand the very central things of my relationship with God. That’s what He’s teaching me. He bringing me back to the basics. I know a lot of deep things and a lot of theology and a lot of facts and I can explain a lot of concepts. But what about the central things? What about the most central cores of my relationship with The Creator? What about His love for me? What about his grace? What about the fact that he pursues me? What about the fact that my prayer times are a joy to HIM because He gets the desire of HIS heart which is to be with me?
What about that?
I don’t get it. I can explain the formula but I don’t understand the truth of it.
I don’t know what to do to get it.
But all this is allowed by the Father. When I realize these truths…I don’t know how to finish this sentence, so I’ll reword it. I will realize these truths. I will not be confused forever. I will not be confused for long. This time will be short. I will grow. I will be taken from one glory to the next.

I have been SUCKING at this goal lately! What the heck!? Seriously, it’s been bad. I haven’t been being a good steward of time and money. I don’t live up to Masters’ standards let alone my own. I’ve lost focus somewhere. I need to get back on track.
Proverbs 29:18 “When people do not accept divine guidance(Where there is no vision), they run wild(they perish). But whoever obeys the law is happy(blessed, fortunate).”

Lately my schedule has been really relaxed. Homework has been easy. Split off has been easy. Not much has been asked of me. That means I’ve had a lot of free time and I haven’t been using it that wisely. I’m really hoping that this is God’s doing. I hope that I don’t have much responsibility placed on me for a while. I want to learn to discipline myself. Because if people just dump responsibilities on me, that not really learning discipline. That’s learning obedience and servant hood. I really want to be disciplined with my own actions and my own time.
I’m going to set a few more goal up on here to help me with this. Keep track of me and see how I’m doing!

Today we had life lessons. It’s a time where we talk about things that will help us get through life effectively. It’s not so much a time of teaching straight from the word of GOD. More like things people have learned along the way. Today Taka, our director, talked about time management. All the points we covered were spot on. The advice was incredible and I know from the little experience I’ve had, the tactics do work. But the whole time he was talking, something wasn’t sitting right with me. And I think I realized: I want to be nothing like Taka . Or even Jer for that matter. Taka told us a lot about his experience with time management and mostly about his current time management. Literally every minute of his day is in his day-timer. Every aspect of ministry is written into his schedule. There is so much on his plate, that he has to keep a to-do list and check it all the time so he doesn’t forget anything. That’s all well and good but it’s to the point where it’s on his to-do list to spend time with his family, to encourage his wife, to have personal time. I greatly respect the fact that he makes those things priorities. But I never want to get to the point where I am so busy with STUFF that I have to write down “Have personal time” or “encourage the ones I love” so that I won’t forget! That’s ridiculous! I understand all that Taka has to do but I don’t ever want to have to deal with that. I don’t think ministry has to be that complicated. Running a church as we think of it today is, yeah. That’s why I think church needs to be different. Church isn’t a business. It’s not all about marketing and research and development. Church is what happens when a group of people who all live selflessly for the King of the universe come into the same room for the purpose of glorifying and seeking Him. You don’t do church. You don’t go to church. Church flows out the gathering of believers.
I don’t really like being around Taka or Jer. They seem like great people and they’re really smart and wise and say really good things. But it seems like they’re missing something big. To me, it seems like they lack the glow of a passionate, compassionate, love-fuled human being. They’re rock stars who sign autographs. I don’t see anything personal with them. I wonder what it’s like to be their friends. I wonder if they’ve ever thought the same thing. They’re not in ministry for the money. They don’t get that much so they can’t be. But it seems like what they started because they loved GOD and loved people, has turned into a duty for GOD. “I started it now I’m going to make sure I finish it the best I can” seems to be the mindset now. It seems really good. But it lacks love. Lacking love isn’t the best way to put it. It lacks warmth. I wouldn’t be comfortable taking any of my personal problems to them because it would get scheduled in, prayed about then forgot about a few weeks later, because their mind is filled with the numbers of how much this worlds-biggest-banner we just ordered is gonna cost or how cool the ‘life groups’ are gonna be because of our cool catch phrase.
Maybe I’m wrong. Probably. I’ll be in Schaumburg this weekend for our first year retreat. Taka is in my room. We’ll see what I think of him after this.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Whatever you want to be, be a good one”. Those words are wise and inspiring. The idea of being disciplined may seem general but it’s a truly great character trait that I want to have. If I desire to do anything,whether it’s deciding to read more, or be a skilled climber, I want to do it well, which means I have to be disciplined.