put GOD first

I’ll gladly be the first to admit that Theological debates and Christian apologetics and arguments of any nature really have always been a huge interest of mine. At times, they’ve even been a sort of hobby. I would think of questions people ask about God and I would answer them in my head. Sort of my way of “always being prepared to give an account”.
But I have to admit, this debate I’m dealing with now is really gettin to me. I’ve hit so many walls, it’s a wonder my logic is still conscious. Several times I’ve gotten to the point where I just give up and take a nap. I’ve taken more naps in the past week than in just about any other time in my life. Ok, that might not be true. But I have come, so many times, to a point of throwing my hands up and “washing my hands of this weirdness”. This has never happened to me.
I’ll press on until I can’t any farther, though.

Hmmm….Was this entry foreknown and predestined to be one of the elect unto 43things?

I thought I posted a thought about this on here, but maybe not. I’m sure I wrote it somewhere. God is teaching me to put Him, not first, but ONLY!
He didn’t say, “Serve me and then whatever you want”. No, He said “No man can serve two masters. He will love one and hate the other”. Paul said “Whatever you give yourself to is your master”

This will sound so cheap and so generic-Christian but it’s really one of the hardest things I have to come to terms with. I need to give myself to God. I don’t lay my dreams, my talents, my thoughts, on the alter. I lay my entire life, body, sould, mind, heart, strength on the alter and allow God to rain down fire on it if He so desires.
Don’t serve God first. Serve Him only.

I wish I could leave Masters, leave Rockford, leave Illinois just for 3 days. I wish I could have three days and go somewhere beautiful, by myself, with zero human interaction, and spend time alone with God.
Obviously that’s not what I really need. That wouldn’t actually do me any good. That would obviously be the most beneficial thing for me right now. How do I know? Because if it was, it would happen. It would be possible, everything needed would be provided and it would happen. But since it’s not possible, since I don’t have the opportunity, since nothing is provided, it wont’ happen right away. Right now, I have the opportunity to be in Rockford, at RMC, preparing to run the Target Leadership Conference, surrounded by prying, poking people who really want to know how I’m doing. I don’t want to tell them how I’m doing. I don’t want them to ask why I’m not hyper and happy go lucky at this very moment. Why do they care? Why do I always have to be excited? Why can’t I just be chill and think for a second? Why does everyone care if I’m outwardly happy all the time?
But since I’m in this situation, it is obviously just what I need. It is the best thing for me. There is no other place and time and scenario that could possibly be more beneficial for me. How do I know? Because if there was, I would be there not here. How do I know? Because this God I keep talking about is only looking out for what it best for me. He loves me so much that He puts me in the situations that will most benefit me and give the opportunity to best get close to Him and find Him. How do I know? Well, my friend, we call that faith. We call it the truth of the Word of God accepted by faith.
Do I want to be here right now? No. Do I understand God? No.
So why do I keep complaining…to myself let alone on the internet? Is it because I want attention? Seems like it. Do I really want attention? Not really. Actually I want people to leave me alone for a little bit. But maybe someone else will see what I’m thinking and identify and not feel alone. Because I know that I want people to leave me alone but I don’t want to be alone.
So here’s to you…

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

7 Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.
     Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
8 Then you will have healing for your body
     and strength for your bones.

9 Honor the Lord with your wealth
     and with the best part of everything you produce.
10 Then he will fill your barns with grain,
     and your vats will overflow with good wine.

11 My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline,
     and don’t be upset when he corrects you.
12 For the Lord corrects those he loves,
     just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.[b]

13 Joyful is the person who finds wisdom,
     the one who gains understanding.
14 For wisdom is more profitable than silver,
     and her wages are better than gold.
15 Wisdom is more precious than rubies;
     nothing you desire can compare with her.
16 She offers you long life in her right hand,
     and riches and honor in her left.
17 She will guide you down delightful paths;
     all her ways are satisfying.
18 Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
     happy are those who hold her tightly.

19 By wisdom the Lord founded the earth;
     by understanding he created the heavens.
20 By his knowledge the deep fountains of the earth burst forth,
     and the dew settles beneath the night sky.

21 My child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment.
     Hang on to them,
22 for they will refresh your soul.
     They are like jewels on a necklace.
23 They keep you safe on your way,
     and your feet will not stumble.
24 You can go to bed without fear;
     you will lie down and sleep soundly.
25 You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
     or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,
26 for the Lord is your security.
     He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.

Ok so hear’s the deal. GOD’s really been teaching me how much I need to trust Him. Like, for real. Not just say I trust him. Actually trust Him. Talk is cheap. I’ve been worried about my future lately. Some aspects of it more than others. Really, I’ve been worried. First, I was worried that I wasn’t equipped to do what GOD has called me to do. I felt really incapable. GOD quickly showed me how incredibly stupid it is to think that. I mean really! GOD created me to do a specific job. How retarted(sorry, I hate that in it’s usage here but I use it to make it sound harsh) is it to think that GOD would see a task that needs to be done, create me to do it, then not give me everything I need to accomplish it. I’m created with everything I need to accomplish whatever task the creator sets before me. And who am I to worry about what GOD wants me to do? He knows exactly what He wants me to do. I just need to oblige. I thought how I want to be an instrument of GOD. I thought of it like me being a musical instrument. A trumpet to be specific. If I’m the instrument, GOD is the Master Musician. His lips are on the mouthpiece, His fingers are on the valves, His breathe is flowing through me and His song is being played. He gets to play whatever song He wants, and it’s a good song. It is beautiful.
He’s well on His way of teaching me all the truths I just wrote. He’s helping me to walk in that truth.

There are other things I need to give to GOD though. More aspects of my future. Things that I would very much like to be focusing on and trying to develop right now. Things in my future that I would love to pour into now, but it’s seriously not the time right now. I decided to dedicate 9 months, five left, to purely seeking out GOD and His guiding discipline. Other things, although good, have to be entrusted to GOD for the time being. I can’t take control of things myself and secure my future.
I was going to write an entry called “blind faith” but the topic is brought up now so I’ll put those thoughts here.
The things I still need to entrust to GOD are things that I can’t keep an eye on, things I can’t focus attention, daily prayer(I need to just trust that GOD is taking care of it rather than make sure everyday), or even conversations on these things.I can keep them in mind in learning how to discipline myself, preparing myself for them, just not devote intentional effort to be involved with them. And that scares me. Because I truly have to trust that while I’m not looking, GOD is taking care of it all. “Do not depend on your own understanding”. I could probably take care of some of these things hands on, based on the teachings I’ve received over the years. Things would probably work out ok. But for now, for these remaining 5 months, I have to have blind faith in the sense that I won’t see GOD taking care of it because I can’t be involved right now. I just have to trust completely.
He is good, and His love endures forever.

Matthew6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Luke 12:29–31 “And don’t worry about food—what to eat and drink. Don’t worry whether God will provide it for you. These things dominate the thoughts of most people, but your Father already knows your needs. He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.”(thanks Shelb.)

Seek first...oh man do I need to do this. So much of my deepest worry comes from seeking other things before the kingdom of heaven.
While seeking first His kingdom and righteousness, other things have to be pushed aside a little bit. If I focus my attention of GOD, His kingdom, His righteousness, and therefore not a much attention goes to those ‘other things’, I need to trust that GOD has those ‘things’ in mind. I need to trust that He is taking care of them.

What’s that you say?!? Ethan doesn’t always put GOD first!?
Sadly, it is true. I find my mind being filled with things that, although important and worthy of priority, need to come after my relationship with the Most High. Family, friends, hypothetical relationships and stupid ways to defeat boredom. It’s easy to put GOD first in Masters. Doing it on my own is proving to more than less than easy.