nurture my relationship with my mother in spite of our differences

There’s a lot more difference than nurturing going on at the moment.

Mom and I had a long conversation on Saturday which made me feel rather strange, and I can’t quite put my finger on why. I can’t even remember how it started, but I know at one point I was explaining something to her about how my head works (and being more open with her than I have been in some time, which in itself is a good thing) and I was describing it in terms of which parts were like my dad and which like her, and from there we got to tracing personality types and issues back through the family tree and seeing how the repercussions of my forebears’ issues are still being felt generations later. Mom told lots of anecdotes, and I learned some things about my family I’d never even suspected. Her reminiscent mood outlasted my ability to absorb it, though, and I ended up feeling a bit overwrought and tearful – there was nothing to be upset about really, but you know the way when you have a lot to process, any more just feels like too much of a burden? Overall, though, it was good to talk like that. There isn’t much of a tradition of passing on family history on either side of my family, so it was good to be made more aware of my roots; and also it felt like it deepened the relationship between me and Mom to be aware of all the other ties that bind us besides the main mother-daughter link.

My mom just said she was proud of me. It made me feel wonderful. :o)

I come upstairs and see my mom sitting at the computer in pyjamas and stripy pink fluffy socks, gleefully congratulating herself on making her graphic design program execute a neat trick, and have one of those weird perception shifts where I suddenly see her as an individual, almost a stranger, but a really interesting and fun one with whom I’d like to be friends even if we weren’t related. It’s by no means the first time that’s happened – for years I’ve been enjoying getting to know her as a person rather than just as my mother – but it struck me with some force on Saturday. So I told her she was awesome and that I’m glad she’s my mom, and she was delighted.

I hadn’t had more than occasional brief phone or text contact with my mom for a couple weeks, so yesterday I called her and we had a nice hour-long chat. Nothing heavy, just catching up. I probably should go out and visit her this weekend, since I don’t have any other plans, but I’ve had a very busy few weeks and am really feeling the need for some time to myself, and I don’t want to go visit if it’ll just make me resent the swallowing up of my weekend. I guess I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

is a wonderful woman. We have a lot in common and usually get along really well, and I love her to bits. But we also have some very deep-rooted differences, and a few weeks ago we had a conversation which made it clear that some of these differences are going to be an issue and have the potential to seriously damage our relationship. We ended the conversation without any kind of resolution but with reassurances that we still loved each other, but I discovered afterwards that I was a lot more hurt and angry than I thought I was at the time.

Yesterday was the first time I’ve visited since, though we’d exchanged a few text messages in the meantime. I wasn’t in great form and could have done without it, as I really didn’t want to get into the whole thing again just yet; but as it happened it went quite well. Little Bro was there when I arrived, which prevented Mom and I being plunged into a tete-a-tete, and by the time he left the light tone had been set and was maintained for the rest of the evening.

We will have to talk about these issues again, probably repeatedly as it’s going to be an on-going thing, and it’s definitely going to be difficult and probably hurtful and is very unlikely ever to be satisfactorily resolved; but I want to maintain as much of our relationship as possible – while making sure not to ignore or gloss over the issues – and make sure my mom knows I love her even though there are things on which we’re never going to agree.