let go

About 2 hours ago we put Jarrah down. My sister and brother didn’t c ome, it was just mom, dad and me. Our poor baby. It was so traumatic for all of us. The vet was acting all chirpy and happy and i cracked it at her. We’re just about to put our dog down and she’s acting like it’s just another routine- that may well be the case but it doesn’t take away the fact that we’re hurting to have to do what we’re doing. It was awful. They sedated him first because he was so excited by seeing other pets. Once his heart stopped, he convulsed quite a bit- god that was yuck. RIP sweetie. xx

He’s not actually a puppy technically. He’s 14 years old in human years. His name is Jarrah. He’s a kelpie, an Australian farm dog. He’s beautiful. We called him Jarrah because SADLY none of us could come up with a name that we all could agree on!!! Jarrah is the colour that he is. He also has slight burnt orange fur ontop of his eyes.

So the family went on a short holiday for a week. I stayed home as I couldn’t get all the time off at such short notice, and someone had to look after the pets anyway.

Jarrah has been acting- not strange, just not his usual self recently. He has had soooooo much energy all through his life. Once we had a bad thunderstorm and he ran away. We couldn’t find him for 2 days. Someone called us- our number’s on his tag- and said they’d found him and were looking after him. He’d travelled 69.42 Kilometres- we did the count on the car distance check. So, he’s never had ‘fitness’ issues. But recently he’s been moping. He has a sad look in his eyes- you can see it. And a few nights when i fed him, he didn’t eat. Mom and Dad came back last night and took him to the vet.
The vet said all of his lymph glands were swollen- thus the not eating- his throat was the worst. She also said that he has cancer and it’s quite advanced. We couldn’t understand ‘how’ and why so all of a sudden. Its almost out of the blue. So all we can do is make him comfortble and put anti-inflammatory tablets in his food to eat. And give him mush food, nothing that requires tough chewing…. Then when he starts feeling pain, we’ll have to take him back to the vet one final time.

I haven’t cried yet. I can feel it though- just writing this now. I just got angry at everyone and told them to stop talking about it like he’s going to die now, and ran up to my room. I don’t know why people talk about such touchy topics so freely with one another. It makes me so mad. It hurts so bad and you guys want to talk about it.. Whatever.

I just don’t want my dog to go. I love him so much. He loves us too. He’s a family member. I remember when we got him- mom picked me up from school- i would have been 7 years old, mom said we’ve got a surprise for you and your brother, and the whole trip home i tried guessing what it was. And it was a gorgeous little puppy who jumped and jumped and whose tail wagged like 500 times per second. He’s come on pretty much all of our family holidays with us. He’s made my parents upset just like us kids have! That equals family. And he’s dying.

I received a text message from a “friend”- X saying that she had a huge favour to ask me- which was if I would accompany her to a dinner she was invited to by a guy that she fancies and some of his friends. We’ve sort of drifted and my immediate response was, are you sure you want me to come? To which she replied: yes you’re the only person I trust besides my mom and are always honest with me.
Hmm okay.

I didn’t reply for a while. Really did not want to go.
She sent another message in the meantime that said I could bring along Y (my friend). She must have read my mind. So I asked Y to come along too (to support me LOL) and she said okay. So all was fine, I let X know that we’d both be coming. We bumped into her during the day and confirmed everything there as well.

We arrived. Y and myself got a park and I gave X a quick call to let her know we were there she said okay she’d tell Z. We made our way there, entered and sat down. I pulled out my phone for a second after saying hi to everyone and there was a txt from X that I hadn’t heard go off. I exclaimed to X who was sitting on one side of me – Oh I’ve got a message from you! I started reading it and she grabbed the phone off me and tried to delete it. I snatched it back off her nicely and said I’d do it (smile). Anyway, I caught a glimpse of the message before she took the phone off me and was curious what the rest said.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

The txt message said that “hi. The place is full. Z says sorry, will catch up for coffee later xx.” I felt so weird.
There were still two tables that weren’t even half full. I forwarded it to Y but she said we’re going to stay despite this. So X lied to me.

When I got back from the bathroom, I said quietly to X with an innocent face, so are we technically in someone else’s spot or did you not want us to come anymore? And she could not even look me in the face! She said ‘oh she was just being silly’ and mumbled something else. Didn’t even look me in the face.

Now what was with that? Y reckons it’s cos we seem to get all the attention and she didn’t really. Maybe that’s because she’s so fake. I don’t know if I should just let it go or make a point out of it. This was two nights ago. It’s bugging me.

on ‘letting go?”

If you’re in a bad mood;
you know that you’re in a bad mood;
nothing anyone can possibly do or say can snap you out of this bad mood;
you want to scream and cry your eyes out at the same time;
do not know what to do-how to deal with “yourself” in an “appropriate” manner;
what does one do?

at the moment i’m at work. smiling sweetly at everyone, being courteous, being cheery, being the face everyone wishes they were- happy and cute WHATEVER…..

i DO NOT feel like any of that. i’m dying inside. i’m hopeless. helpless. out of control-yet composed. smiling-yet crying inside. not happy and i don’t know why.

can not let go of this feeling.

The other day my Mum left a note in the kitchen for me to fix the roast for her at about 1500. She’d asked me the previous day but left the note in case I forgot. So, dad gets home at about 1430 and is in the kitchen getting lunch just as I begin preparing the lamb. dad is one that simply must comment on everything so, I’m waiting for it as he’s watching me. Now I wouldn’t mind if the comment was something like, ‘that looks good’ or ‘you’re doing a good job’ or ANYTHING that’s remotely positive. Instead he says “why are you using that knife?” and goes on to tell me (not in a nice way-mind in a: you/don’t/know/anything/you’re/so/dumb way) which knife I ‘should’ be using blah blah blah.

I came home later and asked mum if it was alright- and SHE started telling me about which knife I should have used-obviously dad couldn’t’ leave it alone and complain to mum about it.
Apparently when you’re having roast lamb; you can totally tell which knife was used to stuff the garlic into the lamb in when it’s cooked! Amazing. (How could I be so ignorant of this?)

I guess someone who’s reading this may think that I’m a brat who still lives at home and should quit complaining- fair enough-BUT- in my defence>
Ok my Mum is very involved in her religious ‘organisation’, and just recently my dad started to get more ‘involved’ (WHATEVER) and now he’s got a new ‘holy’ act (this REALLY gets me going-if there’s one thing that gets me mad- it’s hypocrisy). Anyway- MY POINT ;) – the bible says (as I’m constantly reminded) that one should “honour your (their) parents”> regardless of anything they do or say. Well…. what do we think about that? I say respect is earnt- and that is ‘regardless’ of ‘who’ you are and/or related to.

isn’t that fair?

My dad and I have a classic ‘love-hate’ relationship. (Most of the time it’s hate but anyway I’m trying…)

The other day, I walked into the lounge and he and my sister were watching some show. I just came in to watch the dad in the show tell his son that he’s grounded for a week. I ask my sister what the boy did to get grounded, and she says that the boy called his father’s T.V show a ‘joke.’ I said ‘so?’- implying that that’s no big deal. And dad turns to me and tells me to shut up!

My dad doesn’t just say shut up. It incorporates a whole lot more than just telling me to be quiet. He says it in such an aggressive, hateful, resentful tone. That hurts my feelings. You wouldn’t speak that way to ANYBODY let alone your own daughter who you’re ‘supposed’ to love. Some people might say, “Well at least you have a father.” Fine, if you want a father that hates you and treats you terribly and speaks to you terribly and puts down everything you do or say or attempt or conceive. I’d rather have not a father than one who fits that description.

POINT OF THIS ENTIRE ENTRY: I eventually walked away. I went into the kitchen, put some chestnuts on; spoke to mom who witnessed the argument and explained my perception of the situation and how it’s wrong for a parent to speak so awfully to their child REGARDLESS of the circumstances. After I chatted a little with mom, I went up stairs to my room and I felt fine!!! I truly let it go AND I didn’t have the usual awful feeling…

Lots of us appreciate that sometimes in life, its the ‘small’ things that actually mean a lot.
A wink from someone who you thought didn’t really like you; a smile from a predictable; your tomatoes that have ripened beautifully; just a bright sunny day….

In saying that, (for me) it also applies to upset.
That ‘bad hair’ day; the rush hour traffic that you just happen to get stuck in because you spent an extra 15 minutes trying to fix your non-compliant hair; your boss who’s also having a bad day and notices that you’re 20 mins late and gives you an earful on punctuality; oh and that random down-pour of rain on your lunch break- that came from nowhere and caught you without an umbrella…

Experts have said for quite some time now, that stress is a killer. Patients who’ve gone in for major surgery and who have low stress levels almost always, come out far better than ones who have been stressing right up until they’ve been yanked up onto the table and anethetised.

That being the case, wouldn’t you agree that ‘letting go’ – could really be worth a lot more than what it’s usually taken for. So, my mini-goal within this goal is to start trying.

1st- as soon as i ‘feel’ that i’m getting upset, i’m going to count (in my mind of course!) Dave Pelzer used this as an example in his book Moving Forward. When he was a boy and was in an awful situation beyond his control, he used to count slowly. There’s no point in responding to a situation if your thinking is clouded by your emotions and what you’re feeling at the time…. here goes!