Stop comfort eating

Today I binge ate like mad. Its shit. I cant talk to my bf, hes got too many problems of his own. its like i cant talk to anyone. i hate my dad. my mum’s hysterical. my bf’s mum is always pointing out my food habits. in the end i had a massive chinese, so many crackers. so much rice, so much noodles, so much beef coated in sauce, so much shit. i would need to stop eating for a whole month to be back on track. im a mess. i just want to die. hate living at my bf’s parents. i think i should move out but just hav no money. b4 my binge madness. i felt so weak, so weak i couldnt get out of bed. it was such an effort. i got up at 4 30 ish am in this morning. my sense of balance is a complete fuck up and on top of that someone i really care abt treats me like shit. i think thats partly fucking me up/

i guess i need to get some balance. im so anxious. my room’s a mess.
i think if i write down what i eat in my diary i wont feel so shit, and i feel i know what ive eaten and then wont hav th feeling i havent eaten enough because i feel so weak/

at the moment the world feels grey and like its goin to get worse and like theres no exit. i just want to die. i dont want to fck up even more. the closer it gets to my deadline the worse it gets. and i hate fcking up

structure is what i need and completely cut out snacks. i let snacks in and that didnt work, i lost my sense of what i need to eat completely. im goin to revert back to my old diet.

breakfast (300)
lunch (300)
diner(400)
and 200 cals extra for milk

im just worried im goin to binge eat again. i dont want to. and i dont want to lose all my muscle. i hate evrything. i want to go to sleep and not wake up.

see how it goes. i think the problem also is, that im not exercising , so i feel my muscle in my arms is goin. which is why i reverted to crazy binge. because my body is not used to it its goin mad.

structure -get up at 5 am
read until 10:00
Go to gym -exercise -aim to exercise for 45 mins (read whilst on treadmill if can)
come back
12:00

im just worried im goin to binge eat again. i dont want to. and i dont want to lose all my muscle. i hate evrything. i want to go to sleep and not wake up.

nobody likes me, life feels like a deception. i dont fit in and im just som flotsom on the sea, being thrown abt.

Its annoyign i spent a long time writing an entry and it erased it.
anyway i had a lapse today and injested abt 4000 cals

Tomorrow im goin to reintroduce snacks (3 , 50 cals snacks during the day

im so hungry right now. i think its cos im losing track of time, my rooms a mess, havent done anythng and its aready 9: 15 pm

ok so: breakdown of problem.

primary goals:
reading -finish ‘m’ article and ‘j’

screenstretch -find details – 15 minutes

tidy room -15 minutes

sit ups – in btween

music Radiohead the benz

should do more but hey only so much u can do and its ok

Attempt Day 4
Today was horrible, I felt so weak. but yet i havent faltered. however i can feel sometimes the binge mountain building, usually hits once week -friday is the worst day. and the weekend. during the week im busy being in college.

but yes, it has been horrible, ive had so much coffee. i think its the stress triggering. im so stressed with work, with my lack of decisisiveness.

im not sleeping much and not having time for myself

also, the fact that im trying to eat the minimum within the nutritional daily requirements. and i suppose that makes me more hungry.
but i am keeping eating properly. i just need to journal when i feel im going to crack! its so hard

Stop comfort eating (read all 3 entries…)
Attempt Day 2 16 hours ago
This is working so far. Although I havent done any sit ups or running today! The weather is awful outside.
I had 2 cups of coffee (one with triple shots of coffee -not spirits ha ha)
Had 3 square meals. I think if you set yourself that these are goin to be your only food times, ur body probably starts to regulate and doesnt feel hungry outside meal times eventually. Also you dont feel so guilty about eating a normal sized meal because you know thats all your goin to have, and youd have more if you skimped on it and started engaging in snacking.
I think thats what I used to do, Id go to myself, ahh, its alrite, i wont much of that, its alright not that hungry, but then if you start to do that, your body goes crazy after a week or 2 or 3, because it doesnt know when a meal is a meal and a snak is a snak and it all becomes one big jumble of confusion into a binge eating craze of confusion and comfort.
I could have fallen today, and i probably will, but its all about consistency -thats what makes us, not the lows or highs (they’re just bonuses).

Today blabber and thoughts, not necessarily relevant, personal journal on how to deal with the shit of binge eating overtaking my life 2 days ago
I think I will try this. Im just putting so much weight back on because I binge eat because I feel scared and shit and Im overwhelmed with work for my end of year deadline. It makes me feel like shit.
Food just immediately makes you feel better, but then I feel like complete shit because Ive eaten so much and Im just putting more weight on, and becoming fat.
I will now go for a 40 minute run. I dont know how, but I will try, even if I cry and breakdown or get raped. I dont care, i hate being fat. Anything is better than being fat. I hope I dont offend anyone by this, I dont view anyone else as fat.
I hate food, its pointless, it fucks me up and makes me so fat its disgusting. I stuff my face like a greedy pig when I binge eat.
I think I will try listening to the music thing when I feel the urge to eat like crazy at meal times and write stuff down and maybe type it up here.
I really dread this run. Ill write after the run. Maybe starting a blog relating to my struggle with binge eating my help?
Ok will go for a run now. I suppose being positive is also important. Im so negative and that is part of my problem.
One thing about writing on the internet is feel conscious that Im going to piss someone off, but then again, noone knows me, so ha. If you dont like it you dont have to read it